The way through…

There are moments in life when we’re taking our time, creating things, and something from our past rears its ugly head.

This happened the other day.

I’ve written since middle school. It’s only been in the last five years I decided to take my writing seriously. The main reason I decided to pursue my writing full-time is that of my wife’s encouragement.

Before that time I’d only done it on the side and never considered my writing worthy of publication.

Then, something happened. Someone told me I’d never be a writer.  That I’d never do what I love doing. It was a hard blow. Afterward, I contemplated a lot of things, suicide one of them.

Then, I realized something. That person didn’t know who I was and had no interest in discovering the person I was.

It wasn’t that they said those words, it was more that I took it to heart. I believed them. I felt like they were right about me.

Today, life is different. I understand that person didn’t know me and never cared to.

Without my wife’s encouragement, I’m not sure I would have continued to write.

I’m at a crossroads with my writing. Do I keep going, take a chance, and struggle a little more or do I quit?

After all, I’ve done in my life I only have a couple of things I’m proud of: My wife, my kids, and my writing.

I’ve written seven novels, over a hundred short stories but I haven’t published any of them. Maybe that person’s words influenced my thinking for a few years afterward. Now, I don’t feel that way.

The road used to be cluttered with doubt and fear. Today, I that same road is full of possibilities.

I’ve found the way through. I found it on my own and now it’s time to crush it.

When we chase the light…

Sometimes we hit a rough patch.

And like all rough patches, they feel longer than they are.

We find ourselves traveling roads no one’s been. It feels harder, the terrain more difficult.

With each passing spray of dirt, we right ourselves. The correction may be difficult but it’s worth the effort.

Then we’re out off the rough patch, onto the main road and following until we reach our destination.

Sometimes the destination feels farther away than we first realized. We can see the light illuminating its top and we want to quit. We want to give up.

But when we’re traveling and hitting rough spots we’re still moving forward. We’re still traveling towards the light.

When we get stuck in the mud our faith in ourselves and our journey falters.

The mud covers our tires, buries them and then we’re only spinning.

Those are the times we look for someone who can help.

We have to find those people to get out of the mud. We’ll stand on the side of the road, hope they’re around the curve, wish for them to come around and sometimes they will.

Other times, we need to get a stick, place it under the tires or wrap a rope around a tree and pull ourselves out.

When we pull ourselves out its more difficult but the reward of doing ourselves feels better.

We won’t always have that person to pull us out of the mud. Finding a way out without needing someone to help us gives us hope. Hope that next time, we’ll do it again.

Living with constant depression is a battle each day.

There are moments where we get out of the mud, pull onto the main road, hit the gas and get closer.

Those days seem like their far apart some days, weeks, months but they are there.

We must reach the light on the hill.

Being a Force of Nature

There is a fierceness that comes with the pain we endure.

It doesn’t have a name.

We can find it and harness it when we need it most.

The destruction we go through discovering ourselves is only the slightest movement in this direction.

It is the wind pushing us through the tumultuous fire of discovery that makes our lives worth it.

This wind can guide us like a summer breeze or destroy us like a hurricane.

We are molded by this wind, no matter its strength.

When we get to the path of discovery we’re led there by the wind.

We’ve become the force of nature we’ve always desired and needed in our lives.

We are the storm, the strength we need in the darkest of times.

Without the storm, we never would have been molded into the person we are.

We are a force of nature.

Finding purpose in a minefield​.

When the world feels like its crumbling around you, look for things that make your life better.

Each day we consider what others think about is, we’re stepping in a minefield.

The minefield is littered with crushed dreams, faded photographs and the loss of peace of mind.

The minefield is bigger than we believe it to be.

It looks like only a few yards, but it goes on for years. Those years are lost to the judgment of self, loss of productivity and an absence of who we are.

Who we are is the most important of these.

It is what we believe ourselves to be that defines us.

It carries us through a forest of thorns, a no man’s land of pain and sometimes that no man’s land is littered with our lost dreams.

We only fail in our dreams if we stop following and the lost dreams in no man’s land will never have their second coming. They will never have that resurrection we desire for them.

We have to move past those lost dreams at some point.

When we discover that the minefield is an illusion and the words that others say don’t matter, we move into a new realm of who we are.

This realm is ripe with purpose.

It answers the questions of we thought we were and gives us guidance.

How Transcendental Meditation Helped Me Find What I Was Looking For.

We only find what we’ve been looking for when we’ve failed at everything else.

A little over a year ago I fell into a deep depression and contemplated suicide. My depression stemmed from a few different things, most of which were caused by external forces and my own head.

But the truth is things had been brewing for years.

It started with my biological dad and I having an argument, being kicked out of the house, arriving in Las Vegas with my big sister and having no idea what I was going to do with my life, which is a recurring theme.

My girlfriend moved down a month after I arrived in Las Vegas, we found an apartment soon after, bought a house and that’s when it started getting interesting!

I started getting migraines in 2004, just after the birth of my son. I went through test after test, to no avail. Doctors not finding anything medically wrong with me made me put off the fact that it was in my head, something I now regret not seeking help for.

When the economy tanked in 2007, along with many others, I lost our house. I say “I” because with the headaches and missed work because of them we were unable to live a life we once had and hence were unable to continue owning our house.

After the loss of our house, our daughter was born, 6 weeks early.

She lived in the N.I.C.U. unit at the hospital for the first month of her life and because she was sick and I was unable to do anything to help her get better, I felt like I had failed at being a father, something which I’ve felt often with my kids and even though my wife argues this point with me, I feel like I’ve failed them by not offering the life I felt the deserved.

I thought of leaving my wife and kids often at that point. I believed they’d be better off with someone who could take care of them in a way I couldn’t.

It was only after the death of my grandfather last year the true force of the depression took hold.

It started small, with an illness, shingles, and went throughout the winter. None of my family had an inkling of what was going on in my head.

Someone dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide will do anything to keep it from the people they care about.

My first thoughts of suicide happened toward the end of February. I planned things out. I knew my family would be better without me. The thought that I was killing myself to be rid of life, never occurred to me. The thought that “everyone will be better off without me” that happened multiple times throughout the day.

Toward the end of March I broke. The well that had been building inside me broke and I felt I either had get fixed or jump from a very tall parking structure, of which there are many in Las Vegas.

The break came after work. I called my wife sobbing, “I need to get help. I can’t do this anymore.”

I’d been looking into Transcendental Meditation earlier in the month and felt that I should try it, because I was out of options.

I went on the website, submitted my information and was contacted the next day via e-mail by my TM teacher Michael.

I called him, or he called me, I can’t remember which.

He was having a group come in the following Tuesday and I told him I’d be there.

I showed up to the meeting nervous, anxious and wondering about all the things that led me to try something I’d only read about in David Lynch’s book “Catching the Big Fish”.

I listened to Michael, watched a video of Maharishi and found myself truly listening.

By the end of the meeting I knew I wanted to do it.

I made an appointment for the next week, brought some flowers and few other things for the small ceremony, sat down, was given my mantra, began reciting it and plunged into a deep pool of consciousness.

At first I was unsure of what was happening, then Michael said, alright it’s been 20 minutes, stop repeating the mantra and begin coming up.

That was 6 months ago and there are many things which have changed in those months.

I still suffer from migraines, though they occur once a month, not the 3 or four a week I used to deal with.

I’ve discovered how wonderful my wife is all over again, how much I love her and how absolutely magical our love is.

I’ve seen people I work with ask me what’s wrong with me, what I’m taking and I’ve seen others become distant because of the new-found respect I have for myself.

There are those who will never understand me, they don’t need to. Throughout the last 6 months I’ve learned to be strong when dealing the adversity, to find out who I am and embrace him.

I’ve begun paying more attention to what is important to my kids and want to know what’s important to them, because the more I know about them the better father I can be.

Throughout all of the last 16 years there is only one person whose faith never wavered. She is my heart, soul and the reason I want to be a better man each day.

When I think of where I’ve been since I was kicked out that house. I’m a better man for not having him in my life, for learning to do things without his help and for my wife being by my side.

When I look at the places my mind has been, I see that everything led me to discover who I was, find my place and without my wife I wouldn’t be here.

 

This will be the last post of Delusions of Ink for the foreseeable future. I’ve enjoyed this blog very much, but it’s time to spend more of my writing time, writing books and doing the things I was too afraid to do before TM.

I leave you with this: If you’re struggling with depression, seek help. Talk to someone.