Twice a year, my ego screws with me. This comes in any manner of way, but lately, as I see other writers kicking ass, getting contracts, and generally doing better than I am, my ego is questioning what the hell is going on.
I know it’s my ego, that little bastard doesn’t shut up long enough to let me take a breath, much less acknowledge why and where I’m failing in my writing.
The thing is, I’ve been working. I’ve been writing and I know that I’m not sending things out all of the time, but I can’t. I have a life outside of writing. I have my wife and kids, and a bartending gig I do.
The bartending gig is something that pays the bills, but I’d rather be doing anything that bartending. That’s probably to do with how people are treating those of us in the food service industry. People became horrible in the last year and maybe they were always that, but something else has triggered them into believing it’s okay to act this way, but that’s another blog post.
I’d like to push things out of the way and get to writing, but I worry about neglecting my wife and kids. That’s something I did when I lived in Las Vegas and can’t to that route. I also worry about asking for things from people because, well, I’m not certain my writing is very good.
Ego is kicking me in the ass, envy is kicking me in the balls, and I’m sore as hell about it all.
I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. I’d like to take a break from bartending to focus on writing, but it’s the busy season for catering and it’s impossible to do that.
If I could find a crossroads that would work, I’d use that.
I’m so bent right now that I’m unsure of everything.
Am I writing well? Am I doing what I need to get noticed? Is there something I’m not doing?
All of this comes down to pushing things away and dealing with my mental issues.
I have to knock those back sometimes in order to gain some semblance of who I am.
The ego kicks my ass, but my mental issues do more damage.
Depression sucks, and I’ve tried to use it as a motivator, but I’m at place where my ego and the envy I have for others knocks me on my ass.
I guess I’ll keep going with this writing, but I wish I didn’t have to do these events sometimes.
The mental focus it takes to do these events and not scream at the top of my lungs as some half-wit berates me or my staff about how rich they are or that it’s their house and they can do what they want in their house makes me want to scream.
Some people are just assholes.
My ego is screwing with me and I’m working on getting it under control.
I’m planning on getting to this blog more often. I get stuck on things and then I try to get away and it just gets worse.
Anyway, have a good weekend.