I’ve said that I’ve been dealing with my shit since I quit drinking in January, but boy, this shit is rough.
The title of this post puts it out more cleanly, but it’s still a rough, deep dive into my life.
For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me.
This belief was punctuated by the fact the people kept leaving me. I have severe abandonment issues. My wife will tell you that.
This started when my parents divorced. I was in third grade at the time. Its been a roller coaster since then.
Relationships start, they end and I wonder if there’s something I didn’t do. Something I didn’t do enough of, all of that kind of thing.
Abandonment is the big one for me.
Addiction is another aspect. I’ve been around alcohol for as long as I can remember. I raided my father’s vodka in junior high. I did this because I wanted an escape from the life I had.
Later, alcohol became my way of dealing with everything. Girlfriend leaves, drink. Father is a dick and wants nothing to do with you, drink. Family disowns you, drink.
This has gone on long enough. I reached a point where I couldn’t put myself or my wife and kids through it.
I’ve always pushed things away. Buried them deep.
Maybe that’s why I write horror?
Better than anyone else!
This is the most recent, though it is the hardest to deal with. I gained some perspective on this one recently. I understood where the idea came from.
I watched a family member disown and abandon others. Caring only about themselves. They were the most important. What they wanted mattered. No one else’s feelings were important.
I’ve had to confront this one head on.
For a long time I wasn’t the husband and father I should’ve been.
I was exactly like the person I mentioned.
Today I understand that yes, I am important, but I am not as important as others. I am not that perfect snowflake. I can’t have everything be about me without consequences.
I almost paid the bill on that one with my marriage.
All of us reach a point, okay most of us reach a point where we have to deal with our lives.
We have to learn to understand our childhood. We have to learn that our addictions are harmful and that they will cause further harm to those who matter most to us.
When I set about getting sober, I only thought about not drinking. Then all these things came out that I’d been suppressing. I wanted to drink. They go away then, right?
Nah, they don’t. They’re still out there waiting for us to fuck up.
But I didn’t. I’m staying sober.
The suppression of my feelings about my childhood and about my family is something I’m dealing with daily. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But this blog, and writing this stuff down helps.
It doesn’t matter how many people see it, only that I know I’ve written it down.
Have a good week.