Fear

As I said in the last post: when it comes to the narrator’s voice I have a fear of it.

On the surface this fear was founded on show don’t tell and info dumping. In hindsight, there’s more to it and it’s about me personally.

I’ve always had a fear of giving too much away about myself. This led to problems with parents and my wife.

I didn’t want to let a side of me out. We are the narrator of our lives and if we don’t control the narrative others will through lies.

I had this fear of people not understanding who I was, what I wanted out of life or whether I was the type of person who would do horrible things. Then I realized, people will judge me no matter what I say.

When it came to narrating a story, I began to look at it similarly.

If I control the narrative of my life and people think what they want anyway, why should I care what they say? Why should the narrator in my novels and short stories be any different?

I shouldn’t!

Before, I would write a story worried about what someone thought about it. Now, after dealing with the narrator issues, I understood I can’t make someone like what I wrote so I should enjoy the process more.

I began to write better.

I put in better detail and stopped caring whether what someone would think about it.

My writing flourished and I started a new novel in the beginning of December 2018. I destroyed my word count because the fear I had vanished.

How has your writing flourished in the past year? What did you do different to improve? Tell me in the comments.

When you feel life slipping and your goals trying, you have to understand that the world is difficult.

The difficulty of this life is that we have to get through it in any way possible.

Our any way possible can be whatever but our decisions along the road to our goals determines longevity.

I don’t usually think about these decisions but something changed. I’m not sure of the content of the change, but I do know it’s effects.

I’m aware of where my writing is going but there are times I’m unsure. I believe it’s impossible to be completely sure of our course. It’s not something we plan; only what we create.

I’ve written stories which were difficult to write and others I had no idea whether I’d come out the other side intact.

We get to where we need to be by working. There is nothing else.

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A matter of course.

The matter, of course, is the way in which our lives move through the world and the way we see things in the world.

Each course is the culmination in the way the way see the world and the truth of who we are.

The course we pass through is indifferent, and the reality of how we move through the world is indicavit of our choices as we move.

Our movement, though possibly slow is the only way we know how to get into the lives we’ve worked hard enough to enjoy.

Our enjoyment of these lives is the truth, not the reality.

The reality isn’t the way we want it to be, but in the course of our life, it creates, thrives and moves about the world how we couldn’t dream, much less allow ourselves to be.

We allow ourselves to be comfortable in the false reality and neglect the course. We fit ourselves into the world we don’t understand and enable the course to move us instead of the other way around.

Within the course of our lives, we’re the master, but we oftentimes neglect things because we’re unable to separate who we are from who need to be, the course is set and we must follow.

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We morph, that’s all we do.

We change from one person to another throughout our lives until we discover the person we were supposed to be.

For some of us, it’s a religious experience that causes the change, for others, it’s a business experience.

While all of these are possible, the one thing that follows all of these is adversity.

In our lives we reach a certain point where we need change, we either revert who we once were because of the modification or we have an awakening that brings who we should have been in the first place, forward.

This is the advancement of self. It is the advancement of who we used to be that clarifies who we are and distills in us the person we knew we had to be instead of the person someone wants us to be.

Becoming the person you want to be instead of the person others want is hard, but it’s worth the effort.

 

When I decided to leave my job after 15 years, there were those who said, “You’ll be back” or “You won’t make it”.

These people were usually the same ones who lived in fear of something daily.

I didn’t listen to them, obviously.

I Listened to the other people. The ones who applauded me, those who cheered for one of their own doing something they all wish they could do, but for their own reasons (family, job and things out of their control) couldn’t do.

Each time someone made a comment about me leaving, I’d notice their tone, and what they said. I also took what I knew about their lives and considered where their words were coming from.

For the majority of them, they were sincere about wanting my happiness, but there’s always the haters. Those who could leave their life and prosper, but out of fear, they’re unable.

Each of these people had things they wanted out of life, but were unable to do.

And for each I wanted them to have a better life. One filled with the things they wanted, the future they deserved and their family deserved.

I also thought, what made me so special?

What made me it possible for me to get out?

You could say it was timing, and you’d be partially right, But still, why am I able to live the life I want, and the one I want for my family?

I didn’t fear the repercussions of my actions.

I didn’t think past the next step in my life.

I knew what I wanted and I went after it.

I reached a point when I faced the fear of uncertainty. I chose to ignore it and do what my heart wanted.

I still get those who applaud me for following my heart, and as for the others, their curiously silent.

We talk about life-changing moments, but until they happen we’re not truly sure until after the fact.

This past year I said goodbye to my wonderful dog Abbey, held my wife the morning her father died and discovered who I am.

Abbey was with me through my migraine sessions, always laying next to me until they subsided. My father-in-law was one of the most creative, imaginative and caring men I’ve ever met.

Both of these changed who I am, but it was the 20 minutes I took twice a day which healed my soul and saved me from suicide and depression.

My life up until this year felt as though it were a series of mishaps leading me toward the end of my life. By the end of 2013 I felt I’d lived my last full year and would not live through another year.

When I walked in to the TM center in Las Vegas, I discovered that there were others who had dealt with depression, addiction, and stress in the same ways I had.

They’d taken the pills the doctor prescribed, they’d had their share of being “on the wagon.” None of them felt better until they’d tried TM.

Now, I’m the one touting its effectiveness and leading others to learn the technique.

In the next few weeks my wife will be learning the technique. She’s had her father pass away, dealt with depression and bi-polar disorder. But I know TM will work for her. In the next year there will be a few changes on the blog to reflect my involvement with TM and I hope you’ll talk to a teacher or read David Lynch’s book.

2014 and Transcendental Meditation changed my soul. It made me want to live for myself. It made me want to be a better father, husband, son and human. I care more about the lives around me, though they may not know I’m there, I want them to be at peace with who they are, where they’ve been and the life they have.

TM put my soul to rest about my childhood, my parents divorce and the problems I’d had with my father. I love him, and always will, but I know that we’re different people than we were before and there’s a separation between us that will never be healed. I hope he has a good life, enjoys himself and finds TM and begins to learn.

We’re all going through life learning about who we are, but I feel TM makes us understand who we are and embrace that person and not care about the rest.

Happy New Year and I hope you have peaceful 2015.

Brian

 

Each day we’re stuck living someone else’s dream.

We go to a job where oftentimes, we’re creating something for someone else, because it pays the bills.

What if we decided to live our dream, pay the bills and still keep people happy?

This was something I thought about the other day when I was writing.

I work a day job, which I had considered my main job, obviously neglecting my writing and anything creative in the process.

That was until this past week, when I was struck with something, I’m not a writer. I’m pretending to be a writer.

What I realized in that “moment of clarity” is that I’ve been looking at my writing as a second job, sure it doesn’t pay the bills right now, but as long as I treat my writing as the second job and not the first, it will always suffer.

In this realization I thought, “Damn, if I think this way, others do as well.”

What do we do about it?

We rethink our creative side, redo the way we look at our day and come up with ways to put our creative efforts first, and other things second.

I say this as a husband and father, “If your creative side isn’t in first place, it will never win.

I have obligations, it’s not like I’m going to quit my day job, not right now. I see the time coming when that will happen, but it’s not right now.

The thing is, we all have things we want to do, but we put them in second place out of fear, shame or other reasons.

Fear of rejection, fear of someone not understanding and the fear of failure. And shame, damn, shame is the worst. When we look at the things we’ve failed at there could be a big list, and because we failed at those the shame and fear of it happening again makes us not want to try, not want to do it again.

But, when we come to the realization, as I did, that what we wake up for in the morning should be first. That the thing we want to do most in our life should be first, then, and only then will we discover the will to do it.

I’m not going to lie, it’s going to be hard. There will be people who say you can’t do it, there will be that damn voice in your head and when the voice in your head talks, tell it to F off.

The only way you’re going to do what you want with your life is to put your creative pursuits first and anything else second.

We live someone else’s dream every day, isn’t it about time we live our dream?