The title may be wrong in wording for some, but today, for me, it’s correct.
I’ve been having difficulty parsing my brain with writing, editing, depression, and sobriety.
A couple of those go hand-in-hand(Sobriety and Depression).
But the writing, I don’t know how to deal with it.
I’ve always felt that I must write something new every day. Something on a new project must be written daily.
That’s been my go to for as long as I’ve been writing and maybe that’s part of the problem.
I wonder if the idea that something new has to be written daily destroys my confidence, absconds with my positivity and may actually be pushing my farther into a depression.
The feeling that if I’m not writing something new I’m doing this wrong has permeated my brain since I wrote my first book over ten years ago.
But it hasn’t changed. I continue to feel like something new has to come out of my brain or I’m failing at this writing thing, which is what some people have described it as.
My wife has told me that I need to work for myself. Not for what she expects of me and certainly not what other family members expect.
That last part is another issue which I’ve been dealing with, but won’t get into.
The writing usually makes me feel good. It gives me that needed energy boost, which is why I fall into a depression when I’m not actively writing.
I have over 50 short stories to edit, two novels, but it never feels right when I’m editing. It always feel different.
Let me explain:
Writing isn’t something that I do just for shits and giggles. I’m working to improve daily, but reading fiction, reading books on writing, and my attempting to edit.
But it never feels like other things.
When I quit drinking last fall I buried myself in working out. It was an outlet that I’d always used to cope. It’s always there in the periphery. But I’ve never thrown myself into my writing the way I do with exercise and I don’t understand why.
I can throw myself into a video game, exercise, alcohol, but when it comes to writing, I’ve not been able to accomplish such a thing and its maddening.
I don’t understand why my brain won’t do that.
Maybe it’s fear, possibly its the fear that if I write something really good I won’t be able to deal with the pressure that would come with it. This is a fear I have.
I’m also aware that I have my wife and kids and they’ve been my rock when the landscape is barren.
That my wife and kids are her with me and they back me regardless helps me get through the rough patches, though the patches have been continents lately.
Now I will undertake what I felt was impossible. I will put the effort of other efforts into writing because I can’t live in fear of this anymore.
Some things have to be conquered by straight of grit and determination. The fear that I have for writing and failing is causing me to descend into a depression that could sink me.
I will put forth and effort in my writing which I’m afraid to. I will commit to writing, editing, and improving in whatever way is possible and I will do it to the utmost of my ability as a writer and human.