I’ve been sober for a month and some people don’t understand that. They see me and think, “he doesn’t have a problem”.
Maybe not, maybe yes.
I drink often enough and think about my next drink when I’m not drinking. That’s why I stopped.
I can’t go to AA because I lost any belief in a higher power 20 years ago.
I believe when we die that’s it. The lights go out. I do believe in fate however.
I believe we’re destined to follow a certain path. We reach the larger arc of those paths through waypoints. Little things that trigger butterflies at the moment of decision.
It’s that fork in the road moment. We can take one path or another. It’s these waypoints that create our lives.
I’ve hit a few waypoints that changes the direction of my life, for good or not so good.
I don’t feel I’ve reached a waypoint in my life in a long time.
Our move from Las Vegas was a natural progression of where we wanted to raise our kids. It wasn’t a waypoint moment.
In my writing, I’ve never felt it and maybe that’s why I’ve struggled so much. I want that butterflies in the stomach feeling. That I haven’t reached that stage in my writing is distracting.
Sobriety feels like a waypoint. Maybe it’s a step towards a better understanding of my writing? I’m not sure. But a month in, it feels different than when I stopped last fall.
I’d like to get that feeling with my work. I want to be excited about it. Don’t get me wrong, a new project excites me but I rarely get that butterflies in the stomach feeling with it.
Maybe I’m trying to hard. Maybe I haven’t hit that magic point.
But I think I’m more involved with finding a waypoint than working.