Tag Archives: depression

When we know what works and what doesn’t.

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For the last three weeks I’ve been trying to outline.

I’ve read through the books I have on the subject and the ones I have about beat sheets.

This week I reached a point where reality smacked me in the face. I stared at what I had and tried to write from the outline, then it started to go in another direction.

This is what always happened when I was writing into the dark. But I know this story.

I wrote it as a short story last year. I always wanted to turn it into a novel. My writing group didn’t like the story. It was too dark, too disturbing.

I think that’s why I wrote the fantasy novel.

They write fantasy and sci-fi, I’ve said how much I struggle to write in those genres.

But they didn’t get the story, they don’t read horror.

I was trying to placate them, but in doing that I stopped doing what I enjoyed, horror.

But back on track to the point of this.

I’ve tried really hard over the last three weeks to pull this off and the writing is terrible.

It feels stilted and boring. And the biggest thing of all, I haven’t been having fun.

I usually enjoy my time in the chair. The last three weeks felt like torture.

Yesterday, I wanted to try something out.

An experiment if you will.

I started writing, putting the outline away, and I busted out a bunch of words and it was fun.

I understand I write this way for a reason. It feels comfortable and I don’t worry about sticking to an outline.

I know this story, so maybe that’s why I’m having an easier time. I know what happens and when. I know the ending, understand the characters and love the scary parts.

When I get a new idea maybe I’ll outline that, but for now, with this story, I’ll write it like this.

I also realized that it hasn’t been the drafting part I’m horrible at, it’s the editing.

I even asked questions on Reddit about it.

Understanding where my writing fails is important. It gives me something to work towards. It allows me to improve.

I write into the dark, discovery write, or pantsing because that feels most comfortable when I’m drafting a story. But when it comes to editing, I suck.

Now I know the problem and I’ll be working on fixing it.

These last three weeks also took me back into the pit of depression. That’s a place I’ve fought to stay out of.

I’ve been stressed over this outline business more than anything in a long time. Now I’m moving forward, my way, because I have to.q

Have a good weekend and I’ll see you Monday.

Outlining, mental health, and stress.

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Let’s be honest.

I’m really having trouble with this outline stuff.

Having written one way the last 14 years or so, and suddenly trying to write with an outline is fucking hard. Like a lot harder than I expected it to be.

It’s starting to affect my mental health.

Last week I joined a local gym because I like throwing heavy weights around and I didn’t have enough of them in my house.

I’m using it to handle the stress of trying to outline and make the story better.

But truthfully I’m using it because I quit drinking a couple of weeks ago.

I used alcohol as a crutch so many times in my life. I got to the point when things would go south at home I’d reach for a bottle, do a shot, or two and act like I didn’t.

I haven’t written anything new in a couple of weeks as well. I know it doesn’t have to do with the alcohol but more with my overall mental state.

Writing gets things out. It always has. It is my way to comment on life, politics, and the world.

I know that’s what it is more than anything.

I strayed from writing those things because I felt I had to write something else.

I hate that I did that but glad I’m aware of it.

Awareness is important when you’re dealing with stress and your mental state. Sometimes they go hand-in-hand.

I understand outlining is where my writing process needs to go and I’ll go there but it’s on my terms.

And my mental health is more important than a story.

Take care of yourselves. Get some extra rest, do one thing this week that makes enjoy life.

Exercise, Anxiety, and getting my mind right.

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I reached a breaking point.

This happened for a number of reasons. The main on being I haven’t taken care of myself lately.

I stopped working out, I’m not sure why. I wasn’t burnt out. My muscles weren’t sore or my joints, I just stopped.

Exercise, mostly weight training, has always been in my life.

My biological father did bodybuilding when I was younger and when I turned 14 he got me in the weight room.

Initially I didn’t care for it, spending most of my gym time in the pool instead of the weight room. I’ve always loved the water. It’s a Pisces thing.

As long grew older I fell in love with being in the gym. I enjoyed the feeling of the weights, the pump in my muscles and attended the Olympia on a couple of occasions.

Until recently I never associated the gym with my mental wellbeing. It was just something I did.

Then I looked at where my life was when I spent the most time in the gym or my muscles grew the most.

Those were emotional times.

In high school I used my weight training class to deal with my teenage anxiety. Never understanding then what I was doing.

In my early twenties I used it to deal with loneliness and that I was an awkward shy person.

I found comfort in the weight room. It was something I could do where my effort determined the results.

In my late twenties I used it to deal with our first miscarriage. Then in my early thirties to deal with my daughter’s early birth and first month in the NICU.

As I moved up on age I never noticed this, until now.

Most recently, I used it to deal with the death of my big brother.

When I struggle most I return to the weight room. That’s what I’m beginning again.

It’s another way to deal with anxiety, my writing frustrations, and just with every day life issues.

It has never failed in getting my mind right. It never failed in adjusting my attitude or my mindset.

TM keeps my mind in good shape, but with the combination of TM and exercise everything fires on all cylinders.

I’m back in the gym because I realized it keeps my mind more focused when I do it.

I may not thank my biological father for much, but a love of the weight room will always be one of them.

Have a good weekend.

Get shit done, have some fun, and keep going.

Alcohol, Confusion, and…Sobriety?

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For the last year sobriety has been on mind.

Maybe it’s because I feel I have a genetic predisposition to alcoholism or that I feel it’s interfered with my writing and family life too much.

Either way, it’s been a detrimental to how I conduct myself.

It’s awfully hard to get words on the page when you’re sick, your skull is pounding and the slightest sound turns you into Thanos, ready to snap the wife and kids into oblivion.

I feel that I’ve been more confused lately about things. They’re not clicking.

I’ve given myself a break from alcohol to see if that’s the cause and it may be. We shall see.

I’ve had moments as a kid when I’d seen family members intoxicated and thought, I’ll never do that.

Then we grow up and it happens. I’m uncomfortable with that.

My kids saw me the way I’ve seen others and it upset the hell out of me.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely abstinent in regards to alcohol but it has moved down the ladder of requirements.

I’ve used it to buffer emotional and physical pain as well as a stress reducer.

Yes I’m a TM(Transcendental Meditation) practitioner and will continue to be so but there are moments that stir things and I reach for a bottle to deal with it.

I know and understand I shouldn’t do this but it’s a reaction I’ve had for most of my adult life.

I’m trying to get to a better place emotionally, physically, and creatively. I don’t feel alcohol is needed for me to do that.

I’ll come out the other side with more understanding of my mental state and my writing.

Frustration, Anxiety, and Writing.

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There are few things that ruffle my feathers more than trying to figure out my writing.

But hey, that’s where I’m at.

I have a book in the cosmos being queried, another with problems I’m trying to solve and I’m wondering if I’m doing this wrong.

Did I do something wrong in the writing and it’s frying circuits? Is there some magically gibbon or deity I’m not praying to?

I doubt any of that but I also know when it comes time to edit, I get really fucking nervous. I get severe anxiety from editing and revising.

It’s bad enough that right now my hands are shaking and my brain feels like it could explode out of my head. Left to float in the ether for all time.

I know those thoughts are bad and my wife tells me I have to get through them. I can’t keep rewriting the stories. That doesn’t solve the issues with the story it only prolongs those issues and at some point I’ll have to deal with them. But I really don’t want to.

I’m a discovery writer and I’ve written all but 1 of 9 books without a beat sheet or outline. I’m wondering if I may have to deal with that, bite the metaphorical bullet and do an outline for every project.

I see other writers take a few months to do an outline. For me, taking two months away from writing to work on an outline for a story I could be writing freaks me out.

I’m frustrated. I don’t know what to do so I’m throwing this out there even if I look at it a couple of months down the road when I’ve figured this shit out and laugh.

But I honestly feel stuck, frustrated, and bewildered by the lack of traction I’m getting.

I’ve thought about shutting down the blog for a while but it’s felt like an online confessional lately.

I guess I need that.

I’m trying to figure this shit out but damn, right now I don’t know.

I’ve thought about quitting a lot lately. More that I have in a long time.

I feel like it’s not going anywhere and I don’t know why.

I like the jazzed feeling of writing but right now I don’t know what to do.

Anyway, happy Monday. Kick some ass, take some names, and get shit done.