Tag Archives: Fear

Own your screw ups!

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This weekend I went to my niece’s wedding, drank too much, got sick, and didn’t get to do all the things I wanted to with my kids on Father’s Day.

I am totally to blame for this.

There’s this thing I tell myself about taking responsibility for my actions.

I hadn’t drank in a few weeks and I took my eye off my goals to drink. I haven’t done that in a long time.

My goals mean a lot to me and that I took my eye off the prize at the end of this writing journey, pisses me off.

I’m angry at myself for drinking too much. I couldn’t write on Sunday because the effects of the alcohol were still in my system. I don’t write well intoxicated. It comes out forced and horrid.

So I’m holding myself to a goal.

No alcohol for the rest of the summer.

I let myself down by drinking too much and in the process screwed up my writing schedule.

Own your screw ups.

Acknowledge every time you’ve messed up and say you’re sorry to those you’ve hurt.

I drank to excess on Saturday and let myself, my wife, and my kids down.

Have a good week.

Finishing a book is like…

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I’ve always loved the quote for today’s post. I feel Capote captures exactly what finishing a book feels like.

With deference to Mr. Capote, I finished a novel on Monday.

It is the eighth novel I’ve written and after every one I don’t know what to write.

I go through a period of reading a lot with few words on the page. It happens every time.

I try to write short stories but get stuck or they blow up into something bigger.

When this happened with the last book I worked on what I felt my weaknesses are. I’m unsure of what they are right now and that’s making this transition difficult.

I have editing to do, other things to do but when I’m not writing I feel like I’m failing my family and the trust they’ve put in me.

This trust is because part of the reason we left Las Vegas was to give me time to write, which I’ve done.

In the four years since we moved I’ve written six books.

That’s two books a year.

I’ll start querying one book next week and I’m going through another with my writing group. I’ll be querying that one the end of the year.

There are alternative plans for this books as I wrote a month ago.

Either way, I will work through what I’m dealing with and write.

Happy writing!

Finding hope, and the motivation to write…

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I missed posting on Wednesday. There were issues and I had things to deal with.

Life comes at us hard when we’re not expecting it. It will punish us. Make us feel like we’re worthless and keep kicking until we can’t breath.

This punishment can be brought on by our actions, our inactions, or by not paying attention to our own thoughts.

Our own thoughts will beat us worse than 3 rounds in the octagon. It will take what we believe tear it apart and leave us asking how it happened.

Getting through that pain is the hardest thing we will do in our lives.

I’ve dealt with the loss of my brother, my father-in-law, who I felt close to, and the pain my mind inflicted on my felt worse.

Your mind will torture you, call you names, and when you think it’s done, it’s back for another helping of tossing you bullshit to doubt yourself.

That doubt will sink your dreams, your marriage, and any friendships you’ve created.

The only way through is to have a belief in your goals stronger than the bullshit in your head.

That belief will get you past the loss of anything. It will guide you in the darkest night and be the light to lead you.

This week has been one of reevaluation, digging in when I didn’t think I could go deeper, and trusting the process when I wanted to quit.

I really thought about giving up on writing this week. I hate to struggle and I feel like I’m struggling, not with writing but with life. I know it will get better but right now, staring at nearly nine unpublished books, it’s hard to be confident.

I’ll be pushing harder to get things published this summer and I’ll keep you posted but damn, I’m struggling to keep writing and it has nothing to do with the words.

I’m averaging 1500 words a day, reaching g 2700 words or more on some day.

Have to keep going.

Realizing when to give up on a story.

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I hate giving up on a book. I really, really hate it!

I often wonder if I’ve hit a wall? Did I write something that screwed up the story? Did I do something to the characters that doesn’t work?

That’s when I go back and read what I’ve written, trying to find breadcrumbs leading me to the problems.

Sometimes there are no problems and the story ran its course or my brain doesn’t know where the hell to go.

This week the former happened.

The story I’m 22k into stopped. I don’t know why it stopped. I read through the previous sections looking for those breadcrumbs. They were nowhere.

Then I got a little depressed.

I haven’t written a novel yet this year and I keep thinking something is wrong with me or my brain because of it. I mean my creative brain not the literal grey matter.

I got a the place I don’t like being at.

Do I continue with this story, focus on improving parts of my writing by writing short stories or do I try my hand at another long form story?

So I did something I rarely do; I let my wife read a couple of sections.

I only do this on the rarest of stories and only if I really want the story to succeed.

Which I truly want with this story.

She gave me ideas on what to change, things to add and said she thought I had some good writing, which she doesn’t say often. But when she does, it makes me feel better about the story.

So after getting a little depressed I’m continuing with the project.

Why you must write for yourself.

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I’ve ventured into this conversation before but this time feels different. I’m a different writer than I was the last time I posted a blog with this time of theme.

I’d link to it but I can’t remember how long ago I wrote it. So let’s just dig into why I’m writing this.

Throughout my life there have been things I’ve jumped into and failed. They failed for many reasons; some of them more to do with my work ethic and how much I cared about the topic at the time.

I used to get bored of things easily. I believe that came from immaturity on my part.

But I’d do something then quit when it either got to difficult or I got bored, sometimes both.

With writing, it’s never felt that way. I remember writing in middle school and high school and completely loving every moment of it.

I never thought writing as an avenue I could pursue as a career. This thought was influenced by my biological father’s feelings growing up.

Now that I have someone who supports my writing(thanks Anita)I feel more confident and comfortable doing what I enjoy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been difficult chasing this writing thing, but worth it.

I write every day, unless there is something planned with my wife and kids.

Writing doesn’t feel like those past failures. It feels like something I’m supposed to do.

I learned a lot about myself, and others, from those failures. But the one thing that became life altering, was that whatever your goals, you have to chase them for yourself. Not your spouse, partner, parents, siblings or anyone else who may have an opinion on your life.

Ultimately, it’s your life and you have see yourself in the mirror every day. Would you rather see yourself happy or doing what someone else believes you should do?

The decision is yours but you have to live with that decision, no one else.

Do what you enjoy because it’s your future, your sanity, and your choice.

Happy writing and get some shit done today, and have a great weekend.