Working to get on track.

This past week blew me up.

I haven’t been able to get any decent words on the page and the stop-start of stories has thrown my mind into a tiff.

I’ve written little bits of story, but nothing substantial and not anything I’d show to anyone, even my wife.

Today, this morning, I’m working on getting things done, because I can’t sit here and not work. I have to do something, even if it’s editing.

I’m stick to what I said on Monday and I’m getting past what I wrote on Wednesday, and it’s hard.

I’ve had to look at myself and my writing in way that I don’t want. Hell, I’m not sure any of us what’s to look at ourselves the way I have in the past week.

This weekend leads into another week and it’s day-by-day.

I keep going because I have to prove something to myself.

This isn’t about getting published anymore.

Its about proving to myself with all the headgames and all the the ways my mind tells me I can’t, that I can.

Have a good weekend and I’ll see you on Monday.

Why you must write for yourself.

I’ve ventured into this conversation before but this time feels different. I’m a different writer than I was the last time I posted a blog with this time of theme.

I’d link to it but I can’t remember how long ago I wrote it. So let’s just dig into why I’m writing this.

Throughout my life there have been things I’ve jumped into and failed. They failed for many reasons; some of them more to do with my work ethic and how much I cared about the topic at the time.

I used to get bored of things easily. I believe that came from immaturity on my part.

But I’d do something then quit when it either got to difficult or I got bored, sometimes both.

With writing, it’s never felt that way. I remember writing in middle school and high school and completely loving every moment of it.

I never thought writing as an avenue I could pursue as a career. This thought was influenced by my biological father’s feelings growing up.

Now that I have someone who supports my writing(thanks Anita)I feel more confident and comfortable doing what I enjoy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been difficult chasing this writing thing, but worth it.

I write every day, unless there is something planned with my wife and kids.

Writing doesn’t feel like those past failures. It feels like something I’m supposed to do.

I learned a lot about myself, and others, from those failures. But the one thing that became life altering, was that whatever your goals, you have to chase them for yourself. Not your spouse, partner, parents, siblings or anyone else who may have an opinion on your life.

Ultimately, it’s your life and you have see yourself in the mirror every day. Would you rather see yourself happy or doing what someone else believes you should do?

The decision is yours but you have to live with that decision, no one else.

Do what you enjoy because it’s your future, your sanity, and your choice.

Happy writing and get some shit done today, and have a great weekend.

A ledge, a death, and finding myself.

:TRIGGER WARNING: Talk of suicide.

Five years ago I stood on a ledge. I mean this literally.

I was in the parking garage of the hotel and casino I worked at in Las Vegas. It was the end of my shift and I didn’t want to live anymore.

Over the previous six months, my grandfather passed away, I stopped considering my biological father as my dad, and I contracted shingles.

All of this is related to why I stood on that ledge.

I remember standing, the dry Vegas air blowing through my clothes, and not caring what anyone would think about me not being here.

I was mostly just tired. I felt like I caused a lot of pain and I was tired of hurting.

Something happened that day that was nearly the deciding factor for my life. A co-worker told me, “No one cares what happens to you. No one wants to listen to you talk about your writing anymore.”

Those words, completely full of venom and hate, led me to standing on the ledge.

I stared down at the pavement. Feeling the wind brush back my hair and rippled my clothes. Then, I don’t know why, but I stepped down and called my wife. I don’t have an explanation as to why I stepped down.

I explained to my wife what happened.

No one, not even her knew how bad my depression was. I didn’t want anyone to know that I’d lost it. I’m not sure if its a guy thing, though I’ve come to believe it had something to do with it.

I talked to her through my Bluetooth on the way home. She had no idea. I know no one I worked with did.

Today, I turned 43. Life got better after we left Las Vegas almost four years ago. I see my kids more, love my wife more, and take care of myself. I enjoy life.

One of the reasons we left was the toxicity of casino work. When we left, I was getting migraines 2-3 times a week. Since we left, I’ve had eight of them.

One of my goals after moving was to write fiction daily. I do that now. I’ve written eight books and I’m planning on publishing a book this summer on Amazon.

If you have thoughts of suicide, please get help. Please tell someone and don’t let some asshole you work with drive you to end things.

I continue to suffer from depression, but after trying Transcendental Meditation after my breakdown, because that’s what it was.

TM has become a daily practice for my wife and I. It changed my life, as well as saving it.

Never too old

  

Tomorrow, I turn 40, while most people freak out, my wife is one of them, I’m proud I made it this far.

A few years ago, I was going through a bad depression. 

I had thought of suicide at the time and had stood on a ledge at my old job in Las Vegas.I can’t tell you why I didn’t jump, only that I felt there was more for me to do in life.
I have two kids whom I adore, a beautiful wife and everyone thought my life was perfect.
No one has a perfect life, not even the millionaires. We all deal with something we wish we didn’t have to.
A little while after I climbed off the ledge, I started meditating. 
It all started by working on my mental and psychological issues. 
Today, those issues pop up every so often, so I started another part of fixing myself.
I began working on my physical health. And to say that I feel better would be an understatement.
Today, I’m able to fit into clothes I haven’t worn in years; I have more energy to do things with my wife and kids, and I’m able to live a life that others indeed would envy.
I have time to write (my true creative love), have time to work the business I” ve been building, have time to read, and time to do the things my old job never afforded me.
How did I do those things?
I took control of my life through being an online fitness coach.
I talk about that, and people are like, yeah, bullshit, well…it’s the truth. 
Here’s how it happened:
My friend, she’d been coaching for a while, and knew it would be something that would interest me. 
She knew I wanted more time to write and spend with my family.
Today, I work my business for an hour a day and do the other things that matter to me.
Right now, there’s a program that I’ll be starting Monday. 
If you’ve ever wanted to go through a boot camp style workout, do it in your home with no one watching you screw up the moves. And no one to judge how you look. but if you want to coach, like I do and have more time to yourself or with family, all for less than a gym membership, comment at the end of this post.
Peace, 

Brian 

Struggle, Depression and Climbing from the Rabbit Hole.

Our struggle to survive is equaled by whether we feel we should.

At times of great struggle we’re bent in half, struggling to discover why we’re in a dark place, why we hate ourselves and how to get out of the darkness.

The struggle is helped only by having people around us who understand what we’re going through, otherwise we’re left to our own meager defenses.

These defenses, though sometimes great, are no match for the darkness which proceeds to swallow us whole. This entire struggle, seems determines to sink who we are, take away our lives and leave us asking why.

The why of the struggle is the greatest determiner for how we got to that point. We don’t see the small things, the little pieces of who we are and only see the larger pieces, the big things which led us to this point.

But, it’s the smaller pieces. The moments of struggle which have led us farther down the rabbit hole and have left us scrambling to crawl from the rabbit hole, scathed, broken and scarred.

The scars of the struggle, physical of mental could last for months, possibly forever, but getting through the fight, standing at the opening of the hole and being alive, that is the greatest struggle.

Getting to that point of the struggle leads us to salvation and to getting better, but we often must seek help to get better.

Seeking help doesn’t mean we’re weak, it only means we couldn’t go the path alone any longer.

Good luck, and have a great week.

Bri

Deniability, Transcendental Meditation and Discovering Yourself.

It fell from the truck, rolling, flipping and resting on the edge of the water. It lay there against the shore, the water pushing it lightly against the bank until the rush of new water pushed it into the stream.

It floated down the river, its shape changed mildly by the water until it drifted below the surface.

Walking through life, we get caught in the pull of things which aren’t under our control and they push us and pull us against other forces until we see the pull of one thing as our life’s purpose.

I always believed I should write, but I never knew I’d write something which people would read the way Delusions of Ink has.

I fell from the highest I’d been. A new child, a great wife, but I wasn’t the person I believed myself to be. I was only pretending to be that person. My facade was I was great husband and father, though I’ve learned that I was much harsher than I should have been.

When we discover we’re not the person we’ve been telling ourselves we slip from the bank of life, slide into the roaring river and float until we’ve become waterlogged and slip under the rising tide.

When I slipped under I didn’t know how to get to the surface. I was afraid of becoming someone other than I believed myself to be and I felt that changing who I was wasn’t the problem, everyone else should change to accommodate me.

When I began TM, I wasn’t aware yet. I wasn’t functioning the way I am today.

I was depressed, suicidal and I wanted my wife and kids to be happy. I felt they weren’t happy with me and suicide would fix that. I believed they’d be better without me.

Nearly a year after I wanted to end my life, I’m reaching people through the blog and through what I write. I’ve had confirmation of this and to have someone say you’d helped them is the greatest gift I could receive this holiday season.

The holidays are when suicides spike. So, when you see someone who doesn’t seem like themselves, please ask them if their okay.

If you have a friend who’s recently divorced, broken up with partner or someone who has no one, invite them to your party, they’ll be grateful and you may save a life.

If you’re having trouble this holiday please call the suicide hotline – 1(800) 273-8255

Have a safe Holiday season and Happy New Year.

Brian

The Day I Almost Didn’t See.

We never think about when our loved ones leave us until it gets closer.

It was 5:37, the phone pierced the early morning silence. Her hands unsteady, my mind racing, I watched her reach for it.

I tried not to listen, but by that time he’d already become another father to me.

I lay there with her in the predawn light, pieces of sun pushing through the blinds, her head on my chest, the tears flowing, hers and mine.

I held her until she had to get up and clear her sinuses.

My chest moist from her tears, her hair damp from mine and as she returned to bed, I realized what we’d been through the last 16 years.

She’d watched two of my grandfathers pass and one grandmother. While I saw her grandmother and that morning her father, but through all of it I never had that moment of clarity which expressed itself that morning.

We’d seen the worst of each other. The worst of our parents and yet we still clung to each other that morning.

I see her today. Her face bright, her multicolored eyes shimmering and I think about a year ago when I nearly took my own life.

I see our kids, their beautiful faces and remember thinking, “they’ll be better.”

But the truth was, I believed it then.

Today I see the life I almost gave up and I hug her tighter because I almost wasn’t there to hold her, to embrace her and wipe the tears away.

The last 8 months has changed me. Transcendental Meditation has changed who I am and I never thought I could feel this happy, but I never believed I’d live this long.