Category Archives: Life

How Transcendental Meditation Helped Me Find What I Was Looking For.

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We only find what we’ve been looking for when we’ve failed at everything else.

A little over a year ago I fell into a deep depression and contemplated suicide. My depression stemmed from a few different things, most of which were caused by external forces and my own head.

But the truth is things had been brewing for years.

It started with my biological dad and I having an argument, being kicked out of the house, arriving in Las Vegas with my big sister and having no idea what I was going to do with my life, which is a recurring theme.

My girlfriend moved down a month after I arrived in Las Vegas, we found an apartment soon after, bought a house and that’s when it started getting interesting!

I started getting migraines in 2004, just after the birth of my son. I went through test after test, to no avail. Doctors not finding anything medically wrong with me made me put off the fact that it was in my head, something I now regret not seeking help for.

When the economy tanked in 2007, along with many others, I lost our house. I say “I” because with the headaches and missed work because of them we were unable to live a life we once had and hence were unable to continue owning our house.

After the loss of our house, our daughter was born, 6 weeks early.

She lived in the N.I.C.U. unit at the hospital for the first month of her life and because she was sick and I was unable to do anything to help her get better, I felt like I had failed at being a father, something which I’ve felt often with my kids and even though my wife argues this point with me, I feel like I’ve failed them by not offering the life I felt the deserved.

I thought of leaving my wife and kids often at that point. I believed they’d be better off with someone who could take care of them in a way I couldn’t.

It was only after the death of my grandfather last year the true force of the depression took hold.

It started small, with an illness, shingles, and went throughout the winter. None of my family had an inkling of what was going on in my head.

Someone dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide will do anything to keep it from the people they care about.

My first thoughts of suicide happened toward the end of February. I planned things out. I knew my family would be better without me. The thought that I was killing myself to be rid of life, never occurred to me. The thought that “everyone will be better off without me” that happened multiple times throughout the day.

Toward the end of March I broke. The well that had been building inside me broke and I felt I either had get fixed or jump from a very tall parking structure, of which there are many in Las Vegas.

The break came after work. I called my wife sobbing, “I need to get help. I can’t do this anymore.”

I’d been looking into Transcendental Meditation earlier in the month and felt that I should try it, because I was out of options.

I went on the website, submitted my information and was contacted the next day via e-mail by my TM teacher Michael.

I called him, or he called me, I can’t remember which.

He was having a group come in the following Tuesday and I told him I’d be there.

I showed up to the meeting nervous, anxious and wondering about all the things that led me to try something I’d only read about in David Lynch’s book “Catching the Big Fish”.

I listened to Michael, watched a video of Maharishi and found myself truly listening.

By the end of the meeting I knew I wanted to do it.

I made an appointment for the next week, brought some flowers and few other things for the small ceremony, sat down, was given my mantra, began reciting it and plunged into a deep pool of consciousness.

At first I was unsure of what was happening, then Michael said, alright it’s been 20 minutes, stop repeating the mantra and begin coming up.

That was 6 months ago and there are many things which have changed in those months.

I still suffer from migraines, though they occur once a month, not the 3 or four a week I used to deal with.

I’ve discovered how wonderful my wife is all over again, how much I love her and how absolutely magical our love is.

I’ve seen people I work with ask me what’s wrong with me, what I’m taking and I’ve seen others become distant because of the new-found respect I have for myself.

There are those who will never understand me, they don’t need to. Throughout the last 6 months I’ve learned to be strong when dealing the adversity, to find out who I am and embrace him.

I’ve begun paying more attention to what is important to my kids and want to know what’s important to them, because the more I know about them the better father I can be.

Throughout all of the last 16 years there is only one person whose faith never wavered. She is my heart, soul and the reason I want to be a better man each day.

When I think of where I’ve been since I was kicked out that house. I’m a better man for not having him in my life, for learning to do things without his help and for my wife being by my side.

When I look at the places my mind has been, I see that everything led me to discover who I was, find my place and without my wife I wouldn’t be here.

 

This will be the last post of Delusions of Ink for the foreseeable future. I’ve enjoyed this blog very much, but it’s time to spend more of my writing time, writing books and doing the things I was too afraid to do before TM.

I leave you with this: If you’re struggling with depression, seek help. Talk to someone.

 

Why Finding Your Self is The Best Thing You’ll Do

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A year ago I was dealing with not being enough for my biological dad.

I had no idea that being enough for myself was a possibility, or that I should even consider being enough for myself.

When I look back on how I dealt with things in the aftermath of the events which would send me in a spiral of depression, alcohol and self-loathing, I understand why they happened, and why finding myself became the most important thing I’ve ever done for myself.

When our life spirals we try to blame others, anything but dealing with the face in the mirror or the voices in our head telling us we’re not good enough.

When I sat down and looked at who I was, what my life was like and how I let someone else take my confidence, happiness and self-respect, I realize I didn’t know who I was then.

I felt like I was this person created from all the things my biological dad wanted me to be as a kid or teenager. I knew that I had to get past the things he believed I was and become the person I knew I could be.

Even though he hasn’t been my dad for 16 years, his voice echoes in my head, because it’s the voice I heard telling me I wasn’t good enough, I couldn’t do it or I was too skinny.

His voice, unlike my own, filled my head with bullshit that kept me from being me.

We reach a point when the voice in our head is telling us lies. Whether your voice is a parent, sibling or something else, listen to your voice, listen to your heart and do what it says.

NO ONE knows you like you do. NO ONE will ever know you the way you know yourself.

I’ve had my voice in my head for the last 6 months. It’s been telling me I can do anything I want, and I want to be a writer. I’m no longer satisfied with being anything but.

When I think about where I was a year ago and the lessons I learned from being that person, I’ll never go back to listening to that voice or fail myself the way I did a year ago.

I’ve found I’m more important to myself than I believed and I now understand how to believe in myself like I never have before. I’ve become someone else in the last 6 months and he’s tired of the bullshit and ready to do the things he’s put off because of one little voice.

I wouldn’t have found my own voice without hearing his, but not hearing his voice in my head anymore has led me to discover how beautiful the world is, my family is and that I don’t have to put up with the bullshit anymore.

 

Getting Past the Reality of Writing

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The reality of writing is that sometimes we put ourselves into our stories.

I recently sat down with a past story, read through it and saw more things about who I was, what I was and where my mind set was at the time I wrote it.

Whether you’re putting bits and pieces, or entire sections of your life in your story, you may not realize it until after you’ve finished it.

When I read I try not to know too much about the author, but this is sometimes problematic with my favorite authors. I know what they were going through in their lives at the time and I see that in the story when I’m reading and it can get in the way of the reading.

I haven’t finished a novel in a while. I’ve written shorts, blog articles and poetry, but I haven’t finished a story in over a year.

I believe my mind needed a break, and that now that I understand where my writing was going before, I understand how to get it better now and how to put this new journey into the writing.

The one thing I’ve realized is that I have less fear about what I write. I no longer worry about people reading what I write and wondering, “He’s crazy”, that doesn’t cross my mind as often.

When I write, I try to find something in what I’ve learned about things that make it easier to get through the day and discover new things in the writing.

Without trying to make our writing better, what’s the point?

I’ve found that having no fear, has led to discovering new characters, story ideas and ways I could have solved issues with past stories.

Getting Past Who I Thought I Was

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I’m discovering I wasn’t who I thought I was.

When we reach a certain point in our lives, we find that the person we believe ourselves to be, isn’t the one everyone else sees. This is either by accident or design.

I’ve always thought of myself as shy, reserved, but in my family life that’s not how I was.

During my time with TM, I’ve discovered I’m not the person I thought I was, I was much worse.

I believed myself to be a good husband, father and son, though quite a few times it has been the opposite.

I’d been demanding, belittling and sometimes cruel. I write this because I’m doing my best to be better in all the roles I listed above.

A few weeks after I started doing TM I had a self-realization moment.

I watched myself, how I acted towards my wife, kids and parents, and I didn’t like what I saw.

I’ve put up this facade of who I was, what my family life was like and it’s time to tear it down.

I no longer want to be the person who tells stories about his life, I want to write stories about others lives.

Growing up lies were told to me many times about many things, and I’ve found myself doing that to people I care about, not because it was planned, but because it was something I took as normal and in truth, if you love someone you don’t lie to them.

The lies I was told as a kid grew to shape who I am, and what I believed, but in shaping me they’ve allowed me to create this facade and build a wall around myself which I thought protected me from being hurt by others, which was a constant as a child.

My self-realization moment happened and I sat down with my wife, apologized for the man I’d been and promised that I would be a better man, it was a true awakening moment.

When I realized the things I was doing, I was overcome with emotion and had to think about all the things I’d done to people. It was as close as I can get to make amends for the things I’ve done in my life and the way I’ve hurt people.

That I’ve caused pain to my wife, who’s stood by me through everything and put up with my attitude and being an ass, shows how much she cares for me.

I realized that my wife is the best thing to happen to me. She’s never judged me, or anything I’ve done. She’s loved me for who I am and ignored or tolerated the person I was.

I find myself in a new place, devoid of having people who only want me around for their own means and I’m learning that I have more control of things and who I’ll be in the future than I thought possible.

I say these words often to myself, but they ring true every time. Our life is our own, how we deal with it defines who we are to ourselves and others. Who we choose to be is under our control and no one can tell us who we are but ourselves.

 

When you Stand in a NICU…

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When you stand in a NICU you try not to listen to other parents, at least that’s what I did. I tried not to make eye contact.

I knew they were there for the same reason I was, their child had been born early and though they had other obligations, they needed to be there to watch their child get better or huddle in the corner with their spouse, doctor or nurse to hear they wouldn’t be able to take their child home.

It’s been nearly five years since I stood in that room, the sound of alarms going off as a silent prayer comes from my lips, please don’t be her.

I remember the month she was in the hospital after her birth. The first few days were the worst. We were told her lungs were underdeveloped and that she may not make it.

I remember the feeling of absolute despair that day, it was the same I’d felt when my son came into the world. His little body was stronger than hers and he was out of the NICU and into the nursery in a matter of hours.

The memory of her being in the NICU is one of the strongest I have of my kids. The sound of the machines, the little tubes and wires coming from her skin, each doing something I didn’t know, I only wished for them to keep her alive so I could hold her.

When we took her home a month after her birth, she wasn’t near the weight of most infants and I worried constantly that she’d have to go back to the hospital for some reason.

She’s only been in the hospital once since then for MRSA, which scared the hell out of us, but she pulled through.

Every time I kiss her goodnight I think about that month where she was my little girl, but she wasn’t mine to take home.

When I see her face in the morning I think about the future and the things I want to protect her from and I worry I won’t be able to protect her from everything, but I’ll do my best to always be there for her as I tried to be when she was in the plastic box covered in tubes and wires.

She’s getting bigger, smarter and has a quick wit like me, but there are times I wish the world wasn’t there to change her. I like her curiosity and the way she asks about things.

I wait for the days of dates and I hope she knows I’ll walk her through the things she doesn’t understand and I’ll help her become the woman she wants to be.