I’m discovering I wasn’t who I thought I was.
When we reach a certain point in our lives, we find that the person we believe ourselves to be, isn’t the one everyone else sees. This is either by accident or design.
I’ve always thought of myself as shy, reserved, but in my family life that’s not how I was.
During my time with TM, I’ve discovered I’m not the person I thought I was, I was much worse.
I believed myself to be a good husband, father and son, though quite a few times it has been the opposite.
I’d been demanding, belittling and sometimes cruel. I write this because I’m doing my best to be better in all the roles I listed above.
A few weeks after I started doing TM I had a self-realization moment.
I watched myself, how I acted towards my wife, kids and parents, and I didn’t like what I saw.
I’ve put up this facade of who I was, what my family life was like and it’s time to tear it down.
I no longer want to be the person who tells stories about his life, I want to write stories about others lives.
Growing up lies were told to me many times about many things, and I’ve found myself doing that to people I care about, not because it was planned, but because it was something I took as normal and in truth, if you love someone you don’t lie to them.
The lies I was told as a kid grew to shape who I am, and what I believed, but in shaping me they’ve allowed me to create this facade and build a wall around myself which I thought protected me from being hurt by others, which was a constant as a child.
My self-realization moment happened and I sat down with my wife, apologized for the man I’d been and promised that I would be a better man, it was a true awakening moment.
When I realized the things I was doing, I was overcome with emotion and had to think about all the things I’d done to people. It was as close as I can get to make amends for the things I’ve done in my life and the way I’ve hurt people.
That I’ve caused pain to my wife, who’s stood by me through everything and put up with my attitude and being an ass, shows how much she cares for me.
I realized that my wife is the best thing to happen to me. She’s never judged me, or anything I’ve done. She’s loved me for who I am and ignored or tolerated the person I was.
I find myself in a new place, devoid of having people who only want me around for their own means and I’m learning that I have more control of things and who I’ll be in the future than I thought possible.
I say these words often to myself, but they ring true every time. Our life is our own, how we deal with it defines who we are to ourselves and others. Who we choose to be is under our control and no one can tell us who we are but ourselves.