We only find what we’ve been looking for when we’ve failed at everything else.
A little over a year ago I fell into a deep depression and contemplated suicide. My depression stemmed from a few different things, most of which were caused by external forces and my own head.
But the truth is things had been brewing for years.
It started with my biological dad and I having an argument, being kicked out of the house, arriving in Las Vegas with my big sister and having no idea what I was going to do with my life, which is a recurring theme.
My girlfriend moved down a month after I arrived in Las Vegas, we found an apartment soon after, bought a house and that’s when it started getting interesting!
I started getting migraines in 2004, just after the birth of my son. I went through test after test, to no avail. Doctors not finding anything medically wrong with me made me put off the fact that it was in my head, something I now regret not seeking help for.
When the economy tanked in 2007, along with many others, I lost our house. I say “I” because with the headaches and missed work because of them we were unable to live a life we once had and hence were unable to continue owning our house.
After the loss of our house, our daughter was born, 6 weeks early.
She lived in the N.I.C.U. unit at the hospital for the first month of her life and because she was sick and I was unable to do anything to help her get better, I felt like I had failed at being a father, something which I’ve felt often with my kids and even though my wife argues this point with me, I feel like I’ve failed them by not offering the life I felt the deserved.
I thought of leaving my wife and kids often at that point. I believed they’d be better off with someone who could take care of them in a way I couldn’t.
It was only after the death of my grandfather last year the true force of the depression took hold.
It started small, with an illness, shingles, and went throughout the winter. None of my family had an inkling of what was going on in my head.
Someone dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide will do anything to keep it from the people they care about.
My first thoughts of suicide happened toward the end of February. I planned things out. I knew my family would be better without me. The thought that I was killing myself to be rid of life, never occurred to me. The thought that “everyone will be better off without me” that happened multiple times throughout the day.
Toward the end of March I broke. The well that had been building inside me broke and I felt I either had get fixed or jump from a very tall parking structure, of which there are many in Las Vegas.
The break came after work. I called my wife sobbing, “I need to get help. I can’t do this anymore.”
I’d been looking into Transcendental Meditation earlier in the month and felt that I should try it, because I was out of options.
I went on the website, submitted my information and was contacted the next day via e-mail by my TM teacher Michael.
I called him, or he called me, I can’t remember which.
He was having a group come in the following Tuesday and I told him I’d be there.
I showed up to the meeting nervous, anxious and wondering about all the things that led me to try something I’d only read about in David Lynch’s book “Catching the Big Fish”.
I listened to Michael, watched a video of Maharishi and found myself truly listening.
By the end of the meeting I knew I wanted to do it.
I made an appointment for the next week, brought some flowers and few other things for the small ceremony, sat down, was given my mantra, began reciting it and plunged into a deep pool of consciousness.
At first I was unsure of what was happening, then Michael said, alright it’s been 20 minutes, stop repeating the mantra and begin coming up.
That was 6 months ago and there are many things which have changed in those months.
I still suffer from migraines, though they occur once a month, not the 3 or four a week I used to deal with.
I’ve discovered how wonderful my wife is all over again, how much I love her and how absolutely magical our love is.
I’ve seen people I work with ask me what’s wrong with me, what I’m taking and I’ve seen others become distant because of the new-found respect I have for myself.
There are those who will never understand me, they don’t need to. Throughout the last 6 months I’ve learned to be strong when dealing the adversity, to find out who I am and embrace him.
I’ve begun paying more attention to what is important to my kids and want to know what’s important to them, because the more I know about them the better father I can be.
Throughout all of the last 16 years there is only one person whose faith never wavered. She is my heart, soul and the reason I want to be a better man each day.
When I think of where I’ve been since I was kicked out that house. I’m a better man for not having him in my life, for learning to do things without his help and for my wife being by my side.
When I look at the places my mind has been, I see that everything led me to discover who I was, find my place and without my wife I wouldn’t be here.
This will be the last post of Delusions of Ink for the foreseeable future. I’ve enjoyed this blog very much, but it’s time to spend more of my writing time, writing books and doing the things I was too afraid to do before TM.
I leave you with this: If you’re struggling with depression, seek help. Talk to someone.