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pablo (17)

My anniversary for my first transcendental meditation session has come and gone and I realized, I haven’t done an update.

Here’s what’s happened in the past two years.

  • My wife started doing TM and it’s greatly improved her bipolar disorder.
  • I quit my job in Las Vegas to pursue my writing. This is something I’d never have had the courage to do otherwise.
  • I write full-time and though there have been challenges along the way, I’d never change anything I’ve done in the last two years.
  • I’ve had numerous people reach out to me on Facebook who had read my articles about TM from TM.org. This one thing has meant more to me than anything else.

I still have depression issues, but they are less than they’ve ever been.

One thing I’ve started doing in my daily routine is exercise. The combination of settling my mind and exercising my body has made a complete difference in my life.

I’m more focused in my life than I’ve ever been, I’m not saying things have been perfect, life isn’t perfect for anyone, I know that I’m a better human for doing my TM twice a day for 20 minutes each.

If you’d like more information about TM, follow the link in the article. If you’d like more information about me, connect with my on Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter or Anchor.

 

pablo (4)

Hello,

I know I’ve been away, but I have to tell you why.

It’s been nearly two years since I began my journey with Transcendental Meditation, and recently I started another journey.

While TM helped me with depression, I wasn’t doing other things to help.

I wasn’t exercising, I wasn’t spending time with my family the way I should and I was ignoring little things that led me to more bouts of depression.

TM wasn’t the cure for depression, it was merely a catalyst to get me healthy.Now, I’m working out every day, doing my TM every day, eating better, spending time with my wife and kids and I can honestly tell you, I haven’t had a depression issue since I’ve been incorporating exercise into my daily regimen.

I know there are some of you who will say, but you said TM helped you?

It saved me. I was at the worst part of my life and it was the life preserver.

Without beginning TM I can honestly say, I wouldn’t be alive today.

I love what I’m doing now, I love how it makes my body feel and I still love how my mind feels after the twenty minutes twice a day of TM.

I’ve recovered from depression, for now, it will creep its ugly head into my life again, mental illness is just that way, but I hope everything I’ve written on this page has helped someone, I’m absolutely certain it has. I’ve been contacted by numerous people who’ve read my words on this page or from the articles on TM.org.

Tomorrow, I’ll wake up and do the things I’ve been doing for the last few months and also the TM I’ve been doing for the last two years.

TM made my mind healthy, but the routines I’m doing, they’ve made my body healthy.

I hope you have a great day,

Brian

We only find what we’ve been looking for when we’ve failed at everything else.

A little over a year ago I fell into a deep depression and contemplated suicide. My depression stemmed from a few different things, most of which were caused by external forces and my own head.

But the truth is things had been brewing for years.

It started with my biological dad and I having an argument, being kicked out of the house, arriving in Las Vegas with my big sister and having no idea what I was going to do with my life, which is a recurring theme.

My girlfriend moved down a month after I arrived in Las Vegas, we found an apartment soon after, bought a house and that’s when it started getting interesting!

I started getting migraines in 2004, just after the birth of my son. I went through test after test, to no avail. Doctors not finding anything medically wrong with me made me put off the fact that it was in my head, something I now regret not seeking help for.

When the economy tanked in 2007, along with many others, I lost our house. I say “I” because with the headaches and missed work because of them we were unable to live a life we once had and hence were unable to continue owning our house.

After the loss of our house, our daughter was born, 6 weeks early.

She lived in the N.I.C.U. unit at the hospital for the first month of her life and because she was sick and I was unable to do anything to help her get better, I felt like I had failed at being a father, something which I’ve felt often with my kids and even though my wife argues this point with me, I feel like I’ve failed them by not offering the life I felt the deserved.

I thought of leaving my wife and kids often at that point. I believed they’d be better off with someone who could take care of them in a way I couldn’t.

It was only after the death of my grandfather last year the true force of the depression took hold.

It started small, with an illness, shingles, and went throughout the winter. None of my family had an inkling of what was going on in my head.

Someone dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide will do anything to keep it from the people they care about.

My first thoughts of suicide happened toward the end of February. I planned things out. I knew my family would be better without me. The thought that I was killing myself to be rid of life, never occurred to me. The thought that “everyone will be better off without me” that happened multiple times throughout the day.

Toward the end of March I broke. The well that had been building inside me broke and I felt I either had get fixed or jump from a very tall parking structure, of which there are many in Las Vegas.

The break came after work. I called my wife sobbing, “I need to get help. I can’t do this anymore.”

I’d been looking into Transcendental Meditation earlier in the month and felt that I should try it, because I was out of options.

I went on the website, submitted my information and was contacted the next day via e-mail by my TM teacher Michael.

I called him, or he called me, I can’t remember which.

He was having a group come in the following Tuesday and I told him I’d be there.

I showed up to the meeting nervous, anxious and wondering about all the things that led me to try something I’d only read about in David Lynch’s book “Catching the Big Fish”.

I listened to Michael, watched a video of Maharishi and found myself truly listening.

By the end of the meeting I knew I wanted to do it.

I made an appointment for the next week, brought some flowers and few other things for the small ceremony, sat down, was given my mantra, began reciting it and plunged into a deep pool of consciousness.

At first I was unsure of what was happening, then Michael said, alright it’s been 20 minutes, stop repeating the mantra and begin coming up.

That was 6 months ago and there are many things which have changed in those months.

I still suffer from migraines, though they occur once a month, not the 3 or four a week I used to deal with.

I’ve discovered how wonderful my wife is all over again, how much I love her and how absolutely magical our love is.

I’ve seen people I work with ask me what’s wrong with me, what I’m taking and I’ve seen others become distant because of the new-found respect I have for myself.

There are those who will never understand me, they don’t need to. Throughout the last 6 months I’ve learned to be strong when dealing the adversity, to find out who I am and embrace him.

I’ve begun paying more attention to what is important to my kids and want to know what’s important to them, because the more I know about them the better father I can be.

Throughout all of the last 16 years there is only one person whose faith never wavered. She is my heart, soul and the reason I want to be a better man each day.

When I think of where I’ve been since I was kicked out that house. I’m a better man for not having him in my life, for learning to do things without his help and for my wife being by my side.

When I look at the places my mind has been, I see that everything led me to discover who I was, find my place and without my wife I wouldn’t be here.

 

This will be the last post of Delusions of Ink for the foreseeable future. I’ve enjoyed this blog very much, but it’s time to spend more of my writing time, writing books and doing the things I was too afraid to do before TM.

I leave you with this: If you’re struggling with depression, seek help. Talk to someone.