Tag Archives: self-improvement

When working through it isn’t enough.

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If you’ve read the last few posts you know last week was a low point.

I had too much to drink one night which spiraled until I found myself unable to write.

I didn’t work through it, because you don’t work through depression. It’s a battle that will never be won. It comes back again and again.

With last week I took a step back at what I was doing in my life in writing and my focus was off.

I hadn’t decided what to improve.

I knew there were things in my writing but I didn’t sit down and go through them.

Last week I started reading the Harry Bosch books by Michael Connelly. I read books 1-5 and the first book in the Renee Ballard series.

Connelly makes you like his main characters. They have flaws but they’re valid flaws for who they are. These types of characters are what I needed to focus on, which I why I read so many of them.

I’m taking a break from Hieronymus for a little while. I love Bosch but reading that fast made my head spin.

It’s the characters that make the book interesting, not the story or plot. It’s taken me too long to understand that.

It’s the characters stupid.

Catching the failure bug

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The problem of being an unpublished writer it there isn’t a metric of comparison. I can’t compare myself to my writing idols, they have something I don’t.

This weekend, after I reconciled with myself about my actions, I thought about my work ethic.

Have I been working hard enough to get published? Am I focusing properly? Is there something more I could be doing?

I realized there are a few things I’m not doing and some I’m not doing enough of. There are streams of sunlight at the end of each storm, but we tend to think of the storm, what it did, how it wrecked us, but we don’t think about the clean up. We’re too focused on the storm.

The storm struck me this past weekend. It made me question my writing, it made me question myself.

For me and my struggles with depression, this is a dangerous road to travel. Much like sandbags along a river, I have to set up markers and ways to stop the progress of doubt and feelings the stop or hinder me.

These markers usually work, but this one, it’s taking things away from me.

I’m working to get through it. I stare at the keys when I’m writing and wonder if I should keep going. I get words, but are they good enough?

I feel my writing is good. I’ve improved greatly over the last eighteen months. But the doubt crept in. The sandbags filled with water and the dam broke.

Life tosses us through the storm, the sandbags break, the water spills over the dam, but we keep going because that’s who we are and that’s what we do.

But sometimes, the dam breaking hurts. It causes us to question where we’re going.

I’m struggling a bit this week. It’s been a while since I have, but putting it on the page for the world to see and for the world to know helps me get through it.

Own your screw ups!

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This weekend I went to my niece’s wedding, drank too much, got sick, and didn’t get to do all the things I wanted to with my kids on Father’s Day.

I am totally to blame for this.

There’s this thing I tell myself about taking responsibility for my actions.

I hadn’t drank in a few weeks and I took my eye off my goals to drink. I haven’t done that in a long time.

My goals mean a lot to me and that I took my eye off the prize at the end of this writing journey, pisses me off.

I’m angry at myself for drinking too much. I couldn’t write on Sunday because the effects of the alcohol were still in my system. I don’t write well intoxicated. It comes out forced and horrid.

So I’m holding myself to a goal.

No alcohol for the rest of the summer.

I let myself down by drinking too much and in the process screwed up my writing schedule.

Own your screw ups.

Acknowledge every time you’ve messed up and say you’re sorry to those you’ve hurt.

I drank to excess on Saturday and let myself, my wife, and my kids down.

Have a good week.

When people you don’t know support you…

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During my bartending event on Wednesday night I had someone I’d only met tell me, “Keep going with that writing and stay focused on it.”

I don’t get that kind of support from family and here was this guy, I’d only met an hour ago, telling me this.

There are people in this world who get it. They understand what you’re trying to do, and why.

Sometimes they are few and far between but they are there.

Now that we’re at The halfway point of the year I can look back and say I’ve done some great things to improve my self and my writing.

The former is supposed to spelled that way.

I have worked on avoiding anger, people who disrupt my work, and those who see what I’m doing as a dream that will never happen.

I work hard on writing, my self, and who I want to be.

This man saw that and I thanked him for it.

Have a great weekend, I’ll be spending it watching my amazing niece get married.

How I stay focused through rejections.

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With social media accounts and the continuous clamor for attention from all of them, not to mention politics and that headache, we are being pulled everywhere.

If you throw on trying to get published into all of that, it turns into a big damn pain in the ass.

But it’s also when your goals are either broken or you bust through and work harder.

I understand my situation is special. I have 2-3 hours of writing time every morning, bartend a few days a week and having an amazing wife supporting my writing and our family is incredible, but it wasn’t always like this. Which is why I work so hard every day on my writing.

I received 13 rejections on a book last summer, have received other for short stories. But I don’t stop and it has a lot to do with my wife and kids.

I understand what we gave up moving away so I could have writing time. My wife knew I couldn’t stay in Las Vegas any longer. It wasn’t conducive to my mental health.

My wife pays most of the bills, but I take care of the house and help out with 2-3 days a week of bartending. Sometimes it’s more. This time of year it’s more.

But I get through the rejections because I can’t let my wife and kids down, or myself.

I’ve wanted to write stories since I was a kid. I’m writing my ninth book and I’ll continue until I get published.

I do have a plan for self-publishing, which I’ve mentioned before. But I’m keeping that to myself until that book is ready.

I keep writing, ignoring rejections, and enjoying and hating it, especially when I get stuck. But I’m finding my way and I see a lot of improvement in the last couple of novels. Having a writing group helps immensely.

Anyway, have a good week. Keep writing, keep submitting, and I’ll talk to you about bartending on Wednesday.