Tag Archives: reaching your goals

Rewiring my brain.

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I’ve recently converted to outlining. It’s been hard. There haven’t been any knocks on the door about changing, but I’ve been working on fixing the way my brain works.

Having been a pantser, discovery writer, I’ve had to funnel information into my brain differently. I also have to block my brain from yelling, “NO, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG,” which has have been the most difficult.

Once you convert things get hard. I fight myself every day over just doing the way I used to. But it doesn’t work, like I said Monday, maybe it never really has.

I’m down a new rabbit hole. There is nothing but my the other side of my brain telling me, “you can’t go on like this and expect to get where you want to be.”

That voice is the same one I heard on a 9th grade English test. It was supposed to be a story using the spelling words, I forgot to use the words and still got an A on it.

That little voice told me to keep going.

At 23, the voice resurfaced. But I kept writing by the seat of my pants.

It’s 20 years later, and I realized something has to change.

This week I’ve been working through the fantasy book I wrote last December. I’m outlining it, as I should have done.

Trying to wrap my mind around this process after writing another way for 20 years has been difficult, but I know the book will be better this way.

Once I start the drafting process I’ll know how I’ve done.

That I had to change is one of those things you don’t understand at the time, but I know I had to do it.

I’m working my way through the books I have on outlining and beat sheets. I have a few of them. They’re helping.

I’m going through those to find my way to the end.

The point where shit ain’t working.

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I’ve reached critical mass, DEFCON 1, time to pull the holy shit handle…you know all of that.

My writing isn’t working and maybe it hasn’t been working for longer than I’m willing to admit.

The writing itself has been good, but the organization looks like my niece got ahold of crayons and paper.

Shit is all over the place!

I’ve always just written. No outline, rarely a beat sheet and it’s just not working.

I’ve rewritten whole books a couple of times because I was afraid of the outline monster.

I was worried I’d get bogged down in an outline, stop working, and just quit.

But I’m at the point of quitting right now. So why shouldn’t I take a chance on an outline?

I realized my first written draft is my outline, but a 86k+ outline is hardly workable.

It’s daunting as hell and it’s making me hate writing. I used to love sitting in the chair and creating.

Then I noticed a few things.

I was putting out a draft that had no cohesive theme or flow through, not until at least the third draft.

When my wife would ask me questions if flub through it.

The other night she asked what is motivating a certain character, I had no reply.

What the hell am I doing if I don’t know the damn motivation for what my character does?

I’ve only looked at the part where I’m sitting in the chair as the writing part. Not the thinking about the story, drawing maps or staring at screenshots which resembled the world I’d created, and definitely not an outline.

This changed over the weekend.

I thought about all the stories I’ve written. Shorts, novellas, novels and understood that whenever I’m thinking about, drawing about, or outlining, it’s still writing.

I have stories that felt too daunting to create because I didn’t understand their world and didn’t get it about the things I mentioned above.

Now as I hit the button, reset things, and journey into this new creative life, I feel blessed to have a wife who continues to stand by my side as I navigate these waters.

She’s my rock and she’s always there to tell me it’s okay. She makes sure I keep writing in whatever form it takes and I’m the luckiest man to have her.

Now on to the writing.

Alcohol, Confusion, and…Sobriety?

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For the last year sobriety has been on mind.

Maybe it’s because I feel I have a genetic predisposition to alcoholism or that I feel it’s interfered with my writing and family life too much.

Either way, it’s been a detrimental to how I conduct myself.

It’s awfully hard to get words on the page when you’re sick, your skull is pounding and the slightest sound turns you into Thanos, ready to snap the wife and kids into oblivion.

I feel that I’ve been more confused lately about things. They’re not clicking.

I’ve given myself a break from alcohol to see if that’s the cause and it may be. We shall see.

I’ve had moments as a kid when I’d seen family members intoxicated and thought, I’ll never do that.

Then we grow up and it happens. I’m uncomfortable with that.

My kids saw me the way I’ve seen others and it upset the hell out of me.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely abstinent in regards to alcohol but it has moved down the ladder of requirements.

I’ve used it to buffer emotional and physical pain as well as a stress reducer.

Yes I’m a TM(Transcendental Meditation) practitioner and will continue to be so but there are moments that stir things and I reach for a bottle to deal with it.

I know and understand I shouldn’t do this but it’s a reaction I’ve had for most of my adult life.

I’m trying to get to a better place emotionally, physically, and creatively. I don’t feel alcohol is needed for me to do that.

I’ll come out the other side with more understanding of my mental state and my writing.

What we become when we’re not paying attention.

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Life moves pretty fast, right?

It moves faster when we’re not paying attention.

It comes at us like a demon. Striking with fast claws, snarling teeth, and the energy of a bunch of toddlers.

We sit in our comfy chair. Wait for the world to do something for us. The works owes us, isn’t that right?

Bullshit.

The world owes us nothing.

We owe the world a debt we can never repay just for being on this blue mudball, spinning through cosmos.

It took me a while to realize this. I know others who don’t understand what I wrote above.

They’ll never understand that this world is ours. This life is ours and we can do with it what we want. But we should do something that either improves the lives of those around us or the world.

I never used to think of my writing that way. Not until this week.

When I put my story on my Kindle, seeing it the way a reader would, it made pause. I’ve never thought about the reader. I’ve always thought about what I get out of writing.

I’m 50% in on the book and I have to say, it’s really good. I’ve barely touched it since December.

I read a lot of various genres and this one is grimdark fantasy. I love fantasy and this novel is a lot of fun to read. Of course it needs polishing, but for a first draft it’s my best work.

We become the person we feared when we’re not looking. I became the writer that doesn’t care about anything but getting the next story written for myself, when I should think about the endgame, the reader.

Moving to the next writing stage.

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On Monday I wrote about taking time with what I’ve written.

I wrote a book in December(talked about that here), another in May and June. I didn’t write about that second one. I don’t know why.

But I’ve written 7 short stories since then. I’ll be going over those as well as others I wrote after the one from December.

There’s a weird thing about finishing a book for me. I have to write something short afterwards. I tried writing something long after December’s book.

Because I wrote that book quickly, I got sick and had a general feeling of ill health while trying to write it. I quit it and it’s sitting on my hard drive waiting for me to return.

Now I still have a plan for it. It’s the second part of the book I wrote in December.

Here’s where that gets tricky: I have trouble doing read throughs of drafts. Maybe I’m not doing it right, but I have trouble with it.

I know I should do it to figure out what wrong with the draft, but it always feels wrong. Like I should just write another draft.

I am a discovery writer or pantser.

I was telling my wife that maybe that’s the problem. I’ve written 9 books and though one is out being queried, I’ve only written a beat sheet once. I’ve never done an outline because it feels wrong to me. I get bored of the story idea.

I used a beat sheet after I had a first draft done and maybe I need to do that again.

I realize that writing another full draft after the first one is 86,000 is an undertaking but maybe that’s what I should do.

Maybe that’s what I should start doing with every story?

I love writing and I enjoy everything about it. Maybe it’s time I start using a beat sheet/outline.

If it helps me get my writing in the hands of readers who would enjoy it I think that’s what I should do.

I’m moving to a new stage. One where my writing needs more focus and I believe an outline after the first draft of where I’m heading

Happy writing and I’ll talk more on Friday about this. It’s a new idea and I’m trying to bounce it off my head.