Tag Archives: depression

Finding Focus after Depression

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When I sat in my car, tears pouring through the crevices between my fingers, I realized how bad my depression had become and I had to climb out.
After I began TM, I discovered who I am and began to make life better for myself, my wife and kids.
This happened gradually, through communication with my wife, listening to my kids and learning to listen to my soul.
There were times when I began TM I’d say something, my wife would look at me her eyes glistening with tears and it was in those moments I started to understand how detached my wife and I had become.
Now when my wife and I have a disagreement, there’s less yelling and more reconciliation.
Now, it’s been 10 months since my first transcendental meditation session and I’ve discovered the person I was before TM wasn’t very nice to those around him.
I’ve tried to repair the relationship with my wife and kids, and we’re doing better than ever.
I’m glad they have me as I am now.
My son will remember the other person, as will my wife.
My hope is others will accept the changes and other relationships will be repaired.
Depression took my away from my family, Transcendental Meditation brought me home.

Brian

2014: Transcendental Meditation and Healing my Soul

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We talk about life-changing moments, but until they happen we’re not truly sure until after the fact.

This past year I said goodbye to my wonderful dog Abbey, held my wife the morning her father died and discovered who I am.

Abbey was with me through my migraine sessions, always laying next to me until they subsided. My father-in-law was one of the most creative, imaginative and caring men I’ve ever met.

Both of these changed who I am, but it was the 20 minutes I took twice a day which healed my soul and saved me from suicide and depression.

My life up until this year felt as though it were a series of mishaps leading me toward the end of my life. By the end of 2013 I felt I’d lived my last full year and would not live through another year.

When I walked in to the TM center in Las Vegas, I discovered that there were others who had dealt with depression, addiction, and stress in the same ways I had.

They’d taken the pills the doctor prescribed, they’d had their share of being “on the wagon.” None of them felt better until they’d tried TM.

Now, I’m the one touting its effectiveness and leading others to learn the technique.

In the next few weeks my wife will be learning the technique. She’s had her father pass away, dealt with depression and bi-polar disorder. But I know TM will work for her. In the next year there will be a few changes on the blog to reflect my involvement with TM and I hope you’ll talk to a teacher or read David Lynch’s book.

2014 and Transcendental Meditation changed my soul. It made me want to live for myself. It made me want to be a better father, husband, son and human. I care more about the lives around me, though they may not know I’m there, I want them to be at peace with who they are, where they’ve been and the life they have.

TM put my soul to rest about my childhood, my parents divorce and the problems I’d had with my father. I love him, and always will, but I know that we’re different people than we were before and there’s a separation between us that will never be healed. I hope he has a good life, enjoys himself and finds TM and begins to learn.

We’re all going through life learning about who we are, but I feel TM makes us understand who we are and embrace that person and not care about the rest.

Happy New Year and I hope you have peaceful 2015.

Brian

 

How Transcendental Meditation Helped Me Live in the Present Moment.

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A soft flurry, like shredded tissue paper from God’s hands fell around me.

I watched the three of them play, one snowball, another.

Their laughter and smiles infectious as they struggled to stay upright on the damp grass.

I stood at the top of the hill, a smile from ear to ear as I watched my wife and kids play and I wondered, “how many of these moments have I missed?”

When I think about the selfish person I was a year ago (and I’m not referring to suicide). I wonder about the times days like the snowballs and laughter happened, but I was too busy worrying about myself?

I could have done more for my wife and kids, I see that now, but then, I couldn’t see anything but my own ambition and ego.

Ambition which had led me astray, ego which had nearly killed my marriage, but now that I’m better and see who I was, I think about moments, small moments that I may have missed because I wasn’t paying attention to the “moment’.

But what thing stands out among everything. The person I was missed some awesome things, things which I’ll never get back, but I’m trying.

I look at my children playing, my son tearing it up on video games, my daughter and her Palace Pets, and I broke a promise to them, one I’ve been working to repair.

For my wife, whose trust and love I often took for granted, I try to make new moments for us. Moments only we know about, whether it’s laughter about me acting out something that happened at work, or doing one of the numerous voices I’m able to do, I’ve begun to find myself in the ego I once held sacred.

I look for ways to make up for the person I was, whether that’s my son telling me about school, showing me the details of his new Lego collection, or my daughter explaining the intricacies of which Palace Pet belongs to which Disney Princess.

I listen more to them now. My wife, I truly hear her. I don’t judge her as I once did. I take notice of her more and that’s the one thing I’ve noticed about TM and who I am now, I find myself more in love with my wife than I believe I’ve ever been.

I see the way she fixes her hair to try to hide the grey and the way she looks at me as if I were an alien when I respond to a question in a way my former self wouldn’t have.

I see all these things about my family, and to think, I’m different because of 20 minutes twice a day. That’s all I’ve changed.

The Day I Almost Didn’t See.

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We never think about when our loved ones leave us until it gets closer.

It was 5:37, the phone pierced the early morning silence. Her hands unsteady, my mind racing, I watched her reach for it.

I tried not to listen, but by that time he’d already become another father to me.

I lay there with her in the predawn light, pieces of sun pushing through the blinds, her head on my chest, the tears flowing, hers and mine.

I held her until she had to get up and clear her sinuses.

My chest moist from her tears, her hair damp from mine and as she returned to bed, I realized what we’d been through the last 16 years.

She’d watched two of my grandfathers pass and one grandmother. While I saw her grandmother and that morning her father, but through all of it I never had that moment of clarity which expressed itself that morning.

We’d seen the worst of each other. The worst of our parents and yet we still clung to each other that morning.

I see her today. Her face bright, her multicolored eyes shimmering and I think about a year ago when I nearly took my own life.

I see our kids, their beautiful faces and remember thinking, “they’ll be better.”

But the truth was, I believed it then.

Today I see the life I almost gave up and I hug her tighter because I almost wasn’t there to hold her, to embrace her and wipe the tears away.

The last 8 months has changed me. Transcendental Meditation has changed who I am and I never thought I could feel this happy, but I never believed I’d live this long.

Getting Past Who I Thought I Was

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I’m discovering I wasn’t who I thought I was.

When we reach a certain point in our lives, we find that the person we believe ourselves to be, isn’t the one everyone else sees. This is either by accident or design.

I’ve always thought of myself as shy, reserved, but in my family life that’s not how I was.

During my time with TM, I’ve discovered I’m not the person I thought I was, I was much worse.

I believed myself to be a good husband, father and son, though quite a few times it has been the opposite.

I’d been demanding, belittling and sometimes cruel. I write this because I’m doing my best to be better in all the roles I listed above.

A few weeks after I started doing TM I had a self-realization moment.

I watched myself, how I acted towards my wife, kids and parents, and I didn’t like what I saw.

I’ve put up this facade of who I was, what my family life was like and it’s time to tear it down.

I no longer want to be the person who tells stories about his life, I want to write stories about others lives.

Growing up lies were told to me many times about many things, and I’ve found myself doing that to people I care about, not because it was planned, but because it was something I took as normal and in truth, if you love someone you don’t lie to them.

The lies I was told as a kid grew to shape who I am, and what I believed, but in shaping me they’ve allowed me to create this facade and build a wall around myself which I thought protected me from being hurt by others, which was a constant as a child.

My self-realization moment happened and I sat down with my wife, apologized for the man I’d been and promised that I would be a better man, it was a true awakening moment.

When I realized the things I was doing, I was overcome with emotion and had to think about all the things I’d done to people. It was as close as I can get to make amends for the things I’ve done in my life and the way I’ve hurt people.

That I’ve caused pain to my wife, who’s stood by me through everything and put up with my attitude and being an ass, shows how much she cares for me.

I realized that my wife is the best thing to happen to me. She’s never judged me, or anything I’ve done. She’s loved me for who I am and ignored or tolerated the person I was.

I find myself in a new place, devoid of having people who only want me around for their own means and I’m learning that I have more control of things and who I’ll be in the future than I thought possible.

I say these words often to myself, but they ring true every time. Our life is our own, how we deal with it defines who we are to ourselves and others. Who we choose to be is under our control and no one can tell us who we are but ourselves.