Tag Archives: Delusion

Catching the failure bug

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The problem of being an unpublished writer it there isn’t a metric of comparison. I can’t compare myself to my writing idols, they have something I don’t.

This weekend, after I reconciled with myself about my actions, I thought about my work ethic.

Have I been working hard enough to get published? Am I focusing properly? Is there something more I could be doing?

I realized there are a few things I’m not doing and some I’m not doing enough of. There are streams of sunlight at the end of each storm, but we tend to think of the storm, what it did, how it wrecked us, but we don’t think about the clean up. We’re too focused on the storm.

The storm struck me this past weekend. It made me question my writing, it made me question myself.

For me and my struggles with depression, this is a dangerous road to travel. Much like sandbags along a river, I have to set up markers and ways to stop the progress of doubt and feelings the stop or hinder me.

These markers usually work, but this one, it’s taking things away from me.

I’m working to get through it. I stare at the keys when I’m writing and wonder if I should keep going. I get words, but are they good enough?

I feel my writing is good. I’ve improved greatly over the last eighteen months. But the doubt crept in. The sandbags filled with water and the dam broke.

Life tosses us through the storm, the sandbags break, the water spills over the dam, but we keep going because that’s who we are and that’s what we do.

But sometimes, the dam breaking hurts. It causes us to question where we’re going.

I’m struggling a bit this week. It’s been a while since I have, but putting it on the page for the world to see and for the world to know helps me get through it.

Don’t let anyone distract you!

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There’s a point when you’re an unpublished writer and all of your writer friends aren’t on the same level you feel you’re on.

This isn’t about bragging, narcissism, or vanity.

It’s about focus!

Projects may come along which can divert your attention, take away your focus, shifting it somewhere you don’t want it to go.

These projects are distractions from your goal, they’re mental masturbation.

You might get some joy out of them but they will always take your focus away from your goals.

They’re you telling yourself, it’s okay to do this thing these other people are doing because it “might” make you better. But you have goals to focus on, you have self-imposed deadlines to meet.

When everyone around doesn’t have true, set on paper goals for their writing it doesn’t matter what they’re doing. It’s a distraction. And distractions take you away from your goals.

Don’t let anyone tell you your goals aren’t real, that they aren’t attainable. And never let anyone distract you from those goals.

Finding hope, and the motivation to write…

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I missed posting on Wednesday. There were issues and I had things to deal with.

Life comes at us hard when we’re not expecting it. It will punish us. Make us feel like we’re worthless and keep kicking until we can’t breath.

This punishment can be brought on by our actions, our inactions, or by not paying attention to our own thoughts.

Our own thoughts will beat us worse than 3 rounds in the octagon. It will take what we believe tear it apart and leave us asking how it happened.

Getting through that pain is the hardest thing we will do in our lives.

I’ve dealt with the loss of my brother, my father-in-law, who I felt close to, and the pain my mind inflicted on my felt worse.

Your mind will torture you, call you names, and when you think it’s done, it’s back for another helping of tossing you bullshit to doubt yourself.

That doubt will sink your dreams, your marriage, and any friendships you’ve created.

The only way through is to have a belief in your goals stronger than the bullshit in your head.

That belief will get you past the loss of anything. It will guide you in the darkest night and be the light to lead you.

This week has been one of reevaluation, digging in when I didn’t think I could go deeper, and trusting the process when I wanted to quit.

I really thought about giving up on writing this week. I hate to struggle and I feel like I’m struggling, not with writing but with life. I know it will get better but right now, staring at nearly nine unpublished books, it’s hard to be confident.

I’ll be pushing harder to get things published this summer and I’ll keep you posted but damn, I’m struggling to keep writing and it has nothing to do with the words.

I’m averaging 1500 words a day, reaching g 2700 words or more on some day.

Have to keep going.

Why I Felt Guilty About Following My Dream.

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As a writer you reach a point in your life where you either have to figure a way to keep writing or give up on it.

This often happens when you’re close to reaching your goal of publication, but you’re unaware of that.

Throughout my life I’ve told stories of one manner or another. I told them to people so they’d think I was interesting, to myself so I’d like me and to my parents so they’d think I was a good kid.

I learned through those stories that I love to create characters from nothing and that with them I could do anything, but something stopped me on the way.

I felt insecure about my writing, which happens often to writers. Something Amanda Palmer has called the fraud police.

At some point I thought people would accuse me of not supporting my family in the “traditional way” and this led me to wonder whether I should keep writing.

In my early twenties, a friend who knew that I loved to write said I should write a book. So I did, a horrible, awfully constructed vampire book.

What I learned from that book is that finishing a book was possible and that I really enjoyed it, then the fraud police showed up in the form of someone else and I stopped writing as much.

It was after I started writing again and finished another book I felt the fraud police again, in the same form as the last time.

I stopped writing for a while, again and fell into a deep depression which I’ve talked about here, which led me to transcendental meditation and getting through my depression.

After I began TM I started writing again. Little bits at a time until I was ready to tackle something bigger.

The something bigger is the second novel I finished and I’m now in my third rewrite and fourth draft of it.

When my wife and I moved, with the promise of being able to write full-time and bartend part-time, I felt guilty about writing. Not because I was afraid of the fraud police, but because I wanted to follow my dream.

Following my dream of being a writer is something that’s haunted me for most of my adult life and I only now understand why.

I’m doing something most people can’t or won’t do. Follow their dream.

When we decide to follow our dreams and our life allows that possibility to creep in, we think we’re getting away with something, at least I do.

I see all my friends and I know they have dreams they want to follow, and some of them are, but there are others who I really want to help, but they’re so used to being in the life they have they’ve forgotten about the dreams they once had, and the fact that I’m able to follow my dream, makes me feel guilty.

Now that I’m getting past the guilt of following my dream and embracing it I understand who I once was as a writer and I love him because he allowed me to be who I am and create the worlds I love.

Why We Should Ignore The Rainclouds.

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In our lives we discover there are always doubters.

These people believe that because they didn’t, or couldn’t do it, it’s not possible.

The reason they say these things are they tried and gave up on what they wanted.

They saw it ahead of them, but just before they got there it became too hard. They gave up because their will to be someone better wasn’t stronger than being satisfied with the life they had.

Along your journey through life, you’ll meet a lot of these doubters, and they’ll have good stories, but they always end in, “I couldn’t do it anymore”, and that statement is what makes us different from those who, “couldn’t do it anymore.”

They thought because they were near the end, or what they perceived to be the end, it would get easier.

Has life ever gotten easier when you were trying to do something difficult?

Have you ever sat and thought, “Climbing this mountain is going to be easier than the training?” Why do you think that is?

The training prepared you for getting to that mountain, tasting that cold air, feeling that snow on your face and the rocks under your feet. It never did the work for you, it was only practice.

That’s what every moment of your life has been up to the point where you believe you can do great things, practice.

Sure, you’ll deal with difficulties again, but they’ll be easier than the ones when you started.

If you ever think what you’re doing is easy, you’re doing the wrong things and not trying hard enough.

Living the life you want will be difficult, but it will be worth the moments of staying up late, of staying at the gym late, of trying to improve your life.

Each and every moment of your life until you reach your goal is practice, but once you get there, you’ll need to work harder to stay where you’re at, not because it gets easier, but because once you get there, you’ll never want to leave that life again.