Tag Archives: inspiration

Alcohol, Confusion, and…Sobriety?

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For the last year sobriety has been on mind.

Maybe it’s because I feel I have a genetic predisposition to alcoholism or that I feel it’s interfered with my writing and family life too much.

Either way, it’s been a detrimental to how I conduct myself.

It’s awfully hard to get words on the page when you’re sick, your skull is pounding and the slightest sound turns you into Thanos, ready to snap the wife and kids into oblivion.

I feel that I’ve been more confused lately about things. They’re not clicking.

I’ve given myself a break from alcohol to see if that’s the cause and it may be. We shall see.

I’ve had moments as a kid when I’d seen family members intoxicated and thought, I’ll never do that.

Then we grow up and it happens. I’m uncomfortable with that.

My kids saw me the way I’ve seen others and it upset the hell out of me.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely abstinent in regards to alcohol but it has moved down the ladder of requirements.

I’ve used it to buffer emotional and physical pain as well as a stress reducer.

Yes I’m a TM(Transcendental Meditation) practitioner and will continue to be so but there are moments that stir things and I reach for a bottle to deal with it.

I know and understand I shouldn’t do this but it’s a reaction I’ve had for most of my adult life.

I’m trying to get to a better place emotionally, physically, and creatively. I don’t feel alcohol is needed for me to do that.

I’ll come out the other side with more understanding of my mental state and my writing.

Frustration, Anxiety, and Writing.

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There are few things that ruffle my feathers more than trying to figure out my writing.

But hey, that’s where I’m at.

I have a book in the cosmos being queried, another with problems I’m trying to solve and I’m wondering if I’m doing this wrong.

Did I do something wrong in the writing and it’s frying circuits? Is there some magically gibbon or deity I’m not praying to?

I doubt any of that but I also know when it comes time to edit, I get really fucking nervous. I get severe anxiety from editing and revising.

It’s bad enough that right now my hands are shaking and my brain feels like it could explode out of my head. Left to float in the ether for all time.

I know those thoughts are bad and my wife tells me I have to get through them. I can’t keep rewriting the stories. That doesn’t solve the issues with the story it only prolongs those issues and at some point I’ll have to deal with them. But I really don’t want to.

I’m a discovery writer and I’ve written all but 1 of 9 books without a beat sheet or outline. I’m wondering if I may have to deal with that, bite the metaphorical bullet and do an outline for every project.

I see other writers take a few months to do an outline. For me, taking two months away from writing to work on an outline for a story I could be writing freaks me out.

I’m frustrated. I don’t know what to do so I’m throwing this out there even if I look at it a couple of months down the road when I’ve figured this shit out and laugh.

But I honestly feel stuck, frustrated, and bewildered by the lack of traction I’m getting.

I’ve thought about shutting down the blog for a while but it’s felt like an online confessional lately.

I guess I need that.

I’m trying to figure this shit out but damn, right now I don’t know.

I’ve thought about quitting a lot lately. More that I have in a long time.

I feel like it’s not going anywhere and I don’t know why.

I like the jazzed feeling of writing but right now I don’t know what to do.

Anyway, happy Monday. Kick some ass, take some names, and get shit done.

Nothing scares me…

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I’ve watched horror movies since I was 6.

The first one was a movie called “The Boogens” its a horrible movie, but it was my introduction to real horror.

Then came the original Halloween and Children of the Corn.

Everything that came after scared me and made me enjoy horror. Hellraiser will always be at the top of my list not because it’s scary but it’s just cool.

Now the horrible part. Nothing I read or watch truly scares me anymore.

I watched the recent Annabelle movie the other day, eh. It was okay. The second was good. It goes this way with a lot of movies for me, books too.

I have a difficult time finding books that scare me. I’m currently reading Wanderers by Chuck Wending, it doesn’t scare me it’s just so on the nose for our society that it’s unsettling.

It’s been a while since I read or watched something that truly scares me. And that’s why as a horror and fantasy writer I’m having a trouble writing something.

Yes I’m writing, but it’s not as scary as I want it to be. I believe this is because I’m having a hard time being scared anymore.

My wife and I talked about it and she said the same thing, “Nothing really scares you.”

Now I don’t know if this is a phase, I hope so, but I’d like find a movie or book that would scare me. I have Rosemary’s Baby up next on my tbr.

I’m hoping that one does it. If all else fails go with a classic.

Any suggestions would be wonderful.

Happy Friday and have a great weekend.

What we become when we’re not paying attention.

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Life moves pretty fast, right?

It moves faster when we’re not paying attention.

It comes at us like a demon. Striking with fast claws, snarling teeth, and the energy of a bunch of toddlers.

We sit in our comfy chair. Wait for the world to do something for us. The works owes us, isn’t that right?

Bullshit.

The world owes us nothing.

We owe the world a debt we can never repay just for being on this blue mudball, spinning through cosmos.

It took me a while to realize this. I know others who don’t understand what I wrote above.

They’ll never understand that this world is ours. This life is ours and we can do with it what we want. But we should do something that either improves the lives of those around us or the world.

I never used to think of my writing that way. Not until this week.

When I put my story on my Kindle, seeing it the way a reader would, it made pause. I’ve never thought about the reader. I’ve always thought about what I get out of writing.

I’m 50% in on the book and I have to say, it’s really good. I’ve barely touched it since December.

I read a lot of various genres and this one is grimdark fantasy. I love fantasy and this novel is a lot of fun to read. Of course it needs polishing, but for a first draft it’s my best work.

We become the person we feared when we’re not looking. I became the writer that doesn’t care about anything but getting the next story written for myself, when I should think about the endgame, the reader.

Happiness in the small things.

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The words came out this week and I made decisions on things I should’ve dealt with, but it was the small things that brought me peace.

I was able to pay attention to my writing yesterday. I noticed the small words, the good sentences, and how the words flowed well.

Everything came together. My mind felt more clear than it has in a few weeks, not sure why.

I took my time. Finding the correct words. Resulting in great flow and better form.

These little things gave me confidence. It’s been lacking, you may have noticed that. I feel better about my writing. It’s getting better.

I have a better plan.

I knew what I wanted to do but after talking to my wife I set a blueprint.

I’ve laid it out and the edges are brushing up against what I’m doing next year. But it’s all good.

It’s about finding happiness in the little things and I’m doing that.