Category Archives: Uncategorized

Writing, Depression and Staying Away from the Cliff.

Posted on by
1

What do you do when the cold runs in. When the snow comes to your shins, or higher, and you think…how did this happen?

I see there are things we have in common. I once felt that the snow, ice, or whatever weather you prefer was rolling in all the time. I felt my life had been switched with a meteorologist on some backwoods station, but alas, it hadn’t.

I’d experienced the cold. Had things happen in my life that I didn’t or couldn’t do anything about, but I’ve also done things where I didn’t accept responsibility for my actions.

There are many reasons for this, the biggest being I wasn’t mature enough to understand my life was in my hands and I should stop making excuses for what I’m doing and stop blaming others for my screw ups.

Well, the cold came, it came in a torrent one year ago. I felt it run down my spine, into my soul and wrap every molecule with its frosty embrace. The truth a year ago was I was afraid to be who I wanted, I knew that who I was wasn’t what everyone wanted.

I wanted to be this free spirit. I wanted to care about the people around me who cared about me and to hell with the rest.

In the last year I’ve been down the drain of depression, felt the exhilaration as I reached the top of the cliff and stared at the little ants, and they had no idea I was standing on the cliff. They didn’t understand the cliff was closer than they thought, and possibly myself as well.

When I was able to step away from the edge, find myself and let everyone know what I’d been through, I felt ashamed that I’d stood on the cliff. I didn’t want anyone to know how close I came, hell most people believed I was the sanest person they knew.

The cliff is still out there, waiting for its chance to surprise me. Indeed it surprises me that I’ve even told my story of depression and coming out of it.

I’ve wanted to be this other person for so long, the one I am now, that trying to be the person I want is harder than I thought it would be.

I want to write as much as possible, but I’m like a dog in forest filled with squirrels.

When I tell myself, “You have to write” something happens, whether it’s a distraction or something else. I find that my time away from the keyboard is one that I don’t often like, but I do it, for the weirdest of reasons. I’m afraid to show some of what I write for fear that it would either make people afraid, or my wife would have me committed.

I see that I’m becoming who I want to be, without the distraction of caring what people think about me or my writing, and I’m finding that living in my world is getting better as long as I don’t climb the mountain and get near the cliff again.

When I Think About The Writer I Could Be…

Posted on by
1

Moon in the sky

Standing in the middle of the room, to my left are people milling about waiting for “him” to come on. On my right are people reading books, one particular book, my book.

I sit down, my hat pulled low across my head, hiding my eyes behind sunglasses, because they give me away every time.

My phone buzzes for an incoming text message.

Agent: Where are you?

Me: Milling about with my fans, why, where are you?

Agent: I’m trying to keep the people backstage under control. They think you’re not going to show. They’re going crazy. They got the food you asked for and the tea. They want you to come backstage.

Me: Alright, I’m on my way.

I exit through the front door–my fans never noticing I’d been sitting next to them–make my way to the rear entrance.

A large man who looks as if he worked for the mafia guards the door.

Mafia guy: They’re waiting for you.

He says in a very strong Scottish accent, which I wasn’t prepared for, open my phone–wondering whether I’m in the right place–look at Google maps and think it’s broken until my agent comes out.

Agent: B, where have you been? They’re losing their minds in here.

Me: It’s fine. I’ll start in a couple of minutes and everything will be alright.

Agent: Very well, I’ll tell them you’re here and that they should start getting the stage ready for your speech.

Me: Thanks. I’m going to use the restroom first.

Agent: Whatever, just be ready to go onstage.

#

The previous story is how I imagine my first signing going, though I haven’t written a published work, I do write every day, and not just blog stuff.

When I think about the writer I am and the things I think about when I’m published it always comes down to this scenario, I’m not sure why.

I’m sure other unpublished writers think about their first foray into signing, readings and speeches, but lately that’s not been on my mind, I’ve just been writing.

When you sit down to just write your mind goes through processes of trying to figure out whether what you’re writing is any good, but that happens when you’ve taken the next day to read through what you’ve read, though I try not to this always happens.

As I write every day, a lot of my thoughts are on the characters I’m writing at the moment and not what comes next.

I write the first draft just full-blown, the second draft starts after my first read-through when I get an idea about what the story is about, who my MC is and what will happen when I clean everything up when I do an outline, which is what comes after my read-through.

I only start the second draft after I understand what’s going on, and why. After my characters are thoroughly in my head, and not leaving there. I set out to discover what my characters are truly like, but thinking like them, talking like them–which is often fun but can scare my kids–and making choices the way they would.

After all this is finished and I have a better idea of things, I start the second draft, it wasn’t always like this.

When I decided to write a novel, I’d start then stop, just to get the opening right. I’ve written two books in ten years and I’ve recently had my eyes opened to a different way of doing things.

This eye-opening wasn’t just induced by meditation, but by reading more subjects and listening to books on tape. Listening to books on tape by a great narrator can help you understand dialogue better.

When I found myself reading books just to see where the story originated or where the MC first chose their path.

These little things have changed the way I write, the way I rewrite and how I perform my day job as well.

Keeping track of the small changes in your writing makes a huge difference in how well you understand your writing and how much you understand your characters and what they want in the story.

On a side not to this post. I’ll be giving away three books the end of September. Catching the Big Fish by David Lynch, On Writing by Stephen King and Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. These books have helped me either learn about TM or helped me with my writing and I’ll be giving them away.

I’ll do this on my last post of the month, so you have plenty of time to get your entry in. Either comment on the blog, share on Twitter with the hashtag #delusionsofink. Share on Facebook and tag the blog. Here is a link to the blog’s Facebook page, the link for my Twitter profile is here.

Thanks for enjoying the blog and good luck.

How Transcendental Meditation Changed Why I Write.

Posted on by
Reply

Last year I started this blog, my third, I wanted to write things that I cared about. The blogs which came before this felt more like they were catering to people or like I wanted to be noticed.

Delusions of Ink seemed like a perfect title since I was under the delusion the ink I put on the page would be seen by people.

At first I thought it may be like the others, boring, forced and uneventful.

This changed around the time my grandfather died last year. I began to write things which were risky. Things which I wanted to write for the sake of getting my mind clear, but still keeping to a formula that the blog should be about writing.

I kept to that formula until April of this year when my life changed and I found the voice and the will to write what I needed to put on the page.

I knew after I sat for my first transcendental meditation session I wouldn’t be the same. But I honestly didn’t think anything would happen, how could it, it’s simply sitting and thinking of a word or producing a sound a word makes.

After my session I felt alive in a way I’d never felt before, I also felt more confidence than I’d felt since I was a little boy.

A week after I’d written my first transcendental meditation themed post, TM.org asked if they could post it on their page, happily and honored, I said yes.

I’ve been told that articles have done well on their page and that a lot of people who have read my articles have asked for more information about TM, which makes writing them worth it. If my articles can help anyone who is where I once was, then I’m ecstatic.

My confidence in my writing has grown with each week since starting TM and my offline writing has improved in ways I never thought possible.

I see the story better, the characters have better voices and I feel a better grasp of the craft.

There are many days, I wake up, stare in the mirror and think, where did this person come from? Where has he been hiding?

Then I realize, I was always here I just needed to open my eyes, clear my soul and find myself.

I’ve never felt better about where my writing is headed, where the blog is headed and most importantly, I understand why my writing was horrible.

I wasn’t truly here to write. I was trying to perform for people. I was out to prove certain people wrong about who I was and why I wrote, and that’s not the true way to write.

The only true way I’ve seen to write, is to let your voice, that one deep inside of you that you’re afraid to let out, let it free. It will create for you a life which is more meaningful and will create a place in your soul where your heart is full.

I’m no longer under the delusion that Delusions of Ink is for people. It’s for me.

 

How Transcendental Meditation Has Rewired Who I Am.

Posted on by
1
Problems will disappear as darkness disappears with the onset of light. ~ Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

We discover we’ve found what we’re looking for in life when it falls on us from the sky. This is how TM has been, but I didn’t know how much TM had changed me until recently.

I’ve always dealt with challenges badly.

Things which didn’t go the way I wanted them to, or when something happened which wasn’t in my control, these things always made me lash out at whomever I believed was responsible.

A lot of the times it has been my wife. This happened not because of her, but because I wasn’t in control. I’ve never hit her, but words are worse than fists, as I know from my childhood.

We’ve had a storage unit for a long time, longer than we wanted, but that’s what happens when you have kids, get older and don’t want to throw stuff away.

We kept our Christmas stuff, childhood toys and a few other things in there, but we’d always paid it…

A couple of weeks ago, I was looking through our banks statements and noticed the money for the unit hadn’t come out in a while.

My wife checked on it, and it hadn’t been paid in a long time.

My wife called me at work, needing to talk to me about it.

Never have I felt like TM had changed me so much as when I talked to her on the phone that night.

She explained what happened, my response, “It’s just stuff, we can replace stuff. Are you okay?”

Before TM, I would have yelled screamed and might not have come home.

We’ve talked about it since and we both agree, I would never have been as calm without TM.

All of the things we collect in life are just stuff. There’s nothing more important than the people sharing your life.

Remember when you get angry to take a step back and think, “How will this effect our relationship?”

When you look at who you are; are you happy with how you act towards others? Do you find joy when you’re discussing your life with others? And most important, Are you happy with who you are?

Five months ago I would say no to each of those. Today, I find more peace in talking to people, but nothing gets me upset, not like before TM.

I’ve found my happy place. I’ve discovered where I’m supposed to be and what I should be doing with my life.

TM has rewired who I am, and I no longer worry about my temper, because it’s no longer there.

When you Find the Strength to Continue…

Posted on by
2

Strength, physical or mental has always been something I’ve dealt with.

When I was in ninth grade I weighed 75 lbs, and worried every day about being bullied. There were days I’d want to give up, and though most don’t know it I use to scratch myself, it’s called cutting now, but I never did it very deep, it was always a way for me to control something.

I couldn’t gain weight, much to me dad’s dismay. I didn’t do well in school and there were many times I’d wish the world would go away. Most of those times I’d sit in my room with a small knife and rub it against my arm, sometimes I’d bleed, others not, but it’s been a long time since I last cut, and I’m finally happy with where my life is.

We reach the darkest places in our lives when we no one is listening, watching or otherwise paying attention.

No one knew I cut, I’m sure my parents had no idea, probably still don’t.

I got through the hardest parts of my childhood by keeping things inside. I’d never tell anyone what was really wrong. I feared they’d throw me in the white padded room wearing a hug-me jacket.

The things I kept inside were the hate I had for myself and the guilt I felt for things in my life. I knew I wasn’t a great person at the time, I knew that cutting was wrong, but I didn’t care, it gave me comfort when I felt there was none.

The truth was, I felt that if my parents had stayed married, I would have been a different person.

When they divorced I was outgoing and liked who I was, I was eight, but still. I knew these things then.

Afterwards, not so much. I hated my life and wished I was anything but who I was. That went on for a long time, longer than I thought, especially as I’ve been rather reflective of my teenage years lately I’ve found that life isn’t fair, for anyone.

We live, die and move on, but in the middle of it all we have to find time to live, truly live. If we don’t live the life we want, why are we trying so hard to live?

Each year since my parents divorced I hated the start of the school year, except when I became a dad. I’ve learned when the kids go back to school it’s not about me, it’s about them, and they’ll always matter more than I do.

As my kids have grown I’ve discovered my parents did right by me for getting divorced. I know it was the only option they had at the moment and now that I’ve been married nearly 15 years, I know how hard it is to keep things going, and they’d just had enough.

I don’t blame them, fault them or have any bad feelings about coming from divorced parents. I’m proud they discovered they weren’t compatible anymore and decided it was for the best they not live in the same house.

Now I’m five months into TM and I can reflect on who I was for most of my life, I’m not happy with how I treated others, but most of all I’m not happy with how I treated myself. I’ve learned my life is under my control and any mistakes are my own and it’s time to own up for things I’ve done.

To all those I’ve wronged in one way or another, I’m sorry.

To be in control of oneself is a different feeling, and it’s something I plan to keep doing. Transcendental Meditation has been the greatest blessing I’ve ever been given and will continue for the rest of my life, I just want others to discover it and finally be comfortable with themselves.

Bri