Rocks, tumbles, and friction.

There’s been a lot of stuff going on in my head lately.

I don’t know how to quantify it.

I’m worried about my writing, my wife, where my head has been and whether I should keep writing.

It all came to head when I broke the other day. I don’t know what caused it but my head felt fractured inside.

It came out of nowhere.

I’ve been trying to focus and I haven’t been able too.

I feel like I’m seeing through a fog and I can’t find my way.

When I sit down and try and work, nothing comes out. The little that does feels forced.

I’ve never had this feeling before and I’m not sure what it’s leading to.

The world is spinning though my mind isn’t on it.

I feel it getting slower until I’m not sure where I’ll get off.

I have to write because it keeps my mind safe and clear. Without the writing I don’t know how to function.

I’ll be okay but right now things feel hard.

Time to buckle down…

Every now and then I see a blog post or tweet from an author where they announce they’ll be mostly absent to finish a certain project.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve considered this as a last resort for myself.

I had issues within my own head to deal with, struggles with writing, and other things.

But I keep coming back to this.

I have this novel to finish by the end of the year, and though I have my bartending job that pays some bills, it’s not where my heart lies.

I also don’t have the exposure, social media following or whatever as these other authors and we’re told to build our brand before publishing, submitting, or the like.

So, I’m going to take a break from the blog and social media to finish this project, get others ready for either publishing or submitting and do what needs to be done.

It may last until the end of the year or not, but I will check in with short posts about how the writing is going, or isn’t, as well as what is going on with the other projects.

I’m not quitting the blog, only refocusing on where it’s more important.

Have a happy next few months.

I found what I was looking for.

Over the last couple of months I’ve been fighting with myself about how I should write.

Should I use and outline? Should I just write?

After two months of barely getting any words, last week I changed to what I was doing before.

I wrote 8 books that way.

So that’s what I’ll be doing from now on.

I’ll also be publishing soon, at least that’s my intention. I may submit the story instead. It’s really good and I feel it’s my best to this point.

I hope you all have a great week. I’m bartending most of this week so I may miss a day on the blog.

Depression and fighting to be myself.

So I’ve been depressed. You may have noticed.

It’s permeated the blog my personal life and my writing.

It started after I had too much to drink in front of my kids and got sick, so since June.

I don’t usually drink to excess like that and it freaked me out. I stopped for almost 3 months.

Wednesday night I had a drink and it felt good to have it and not care who’s going to judge me for it, I’m at the point I don’t care.

What I have done is make up rules for when I drink.

I can’t have a shot because I’m stressed. I have to deal with my shit and what’s causing me stress.

I can’t use it as medication. Which means when I’m at a family function, I won’t be drinking.

In the past, as I mentioned last week, I’ve done this. I’d drink so I could ignore how people have treated me in the past.

Now I won’t drink or I won’t attend those events.

My wife said it was okay that I wanted to drink and it’s not like I drink to get hammered.

That night in June I drank so I could deal with shit. I had people at that event that I’d either not talk to or that if I said what I really wanted too it wouldn’t go over well.

So, since that event, I’ve barely been writing. It’s not that the alcohol fueled my writing it was that my mind wasn’t there.

I was constantly worrying about drinking and how people would look at me if I went back to it.

After discussing this with my wife she said, “Don’t worry what others think. It’s more important what you think.” And that’s why I’ve been married to this amazing woman for 20 years.

She knows me better than I know myself. She understands me.

She gets it!

Since I accepted that it’s more important what I think, I’ve wrote 6,000 words in two days.

Accepting yourself for who you are, not who others want you to be for their convenience, is a breakthrough for me.

I’m having a better week and I hope you are too.

Forgetting, hating, and pushing through.

I’ve been fighting with myself lately, you may have noticed if you’ve been following the blog for a while.

Between my writing, my head, and alcohol, it’s been a constant argument.

The argument goes like this.

Head: “You need to continue to stay sober. Look at all the benefits. Better sleep, great sex(not that it was bad, but it’s been really good since I quit).

Writing: “You haven’t written well since you quit. The writing hasn’t flowed as well.”

Alcohol: “listen to the writing.”

Head: “It has to do with we haven’t been writing for us. We’ve been trying to write someone else’s way. That’s what’s wrong.”

Writing: “Maybe, but what if we put limits on alcohol. We have to have a good reason to drink, and it can’t be to dull or senses, or using it as a medication.”

Alcohol: “Don’t listen to either of them.”

Head: “It’s all about why you’re writing. It has nothing to do with the alcohol. It’s why you’re writing. Why are you writing?”

This is about the time I think, Brian, you’re having a conversation with nonexistent things.

Then I think about what’s going on in my life. I don’t know whether I’ll ever drink again. For now I’m sober and a lot of things are going well, but my writing isn’t one of them.

I think I did an outline because I was too afraid to edit. Too afraid to take time away from writing stories to fix things.

That’s a huge problem.

It’s one I’ll be fixing with the current project.

I’ve gone back to just writing. I have the outline but I know what’s in the story in my head and I’m still publishing something this year. It won’t be perfect, but I will publish.

The above conversation happens a lot.

I don’t know if it will ever go away, but I just want to write.

I hate that the conversation is happening, but it’s been almost three months since my last drink and the last couple of weeks have been the most difficult.

I’m trying to push through but some days I want to see if the alcohol helped with my writing. I know it didn’t but a part of me says it is. Which makes it more difficult.

Other than the writing issues and alcohol cravings, I’m good.

Have a good day.