When I contemplated giving up writing, I wondered if the problem was my work ethic.
This is never a question at my day job. It’s never been a question for any job I’ve ever worked, at least not since I grew up, which is a subjective statement.
Each of us grow up differently.
My wife was more mature than I was when we started dating. I am aware that it took me a while to understand a few things. It’s not that I’m not smart, it had to do more with who we are as people. It had to do with our life experiences. My wife went to college straight from high school. I did a year of college and hated it. There are many instances of this in our relationship.
She’s told my I intimidate her because of how my mind works, which makes me uncomfortable. There are other instances, but I digress.
Why do I have this trouble with my writing when it’s not in any other job?
- Imposter syndrome is a big one for me. I often wonder if there’s something else I should be doing. That I don’t owe it to my writing to focus as much as I know I should.
- Not setting work hours. I do that with my current project, but once I’m done for the day I put everything away and do something else. I know this is the wrong approach, but I guess there’s a part of me that has difficulty accepting what I’m doing. It’s the guy part. The part that says I should be working. That I should be making money to support my family. That’s the big one.
- Putting away things that get in the way. This has a bit to do with my day job and how I’m not really happy with it. I feel my day job gets in the way of my writing. It stresses me out more than the writing that’s for certain.
- Exhaustion from working late night events. This is a big one. I am tired as hell some days and pulling myself out of bed at 6:00 am when I got home at 2:30 is difficult. Today was one of those days.
- Telling people no. This relates more to my day job, which is for a bartending service. They send an email or text and ask if I can work. I say yes or no. But there are days when I want to say no because I’d rather be writing.
All of these are difficult when my brain tells me I need to work harder, I wonder if it’s screwing with me.
What this all leads to is starting to set a real schedule. Only doing events after a certain time in the day.
I know my managers don’t look at my writing as a real job, and I guess sometimes I don’t either.
It’s hard to consider something you’re doing a job when you don’t get paid for it.
There are moments of hope during the week, but they’re few and far between.
I have received about $48.00 since I published my collection last year. I know it’s more than I received the previous year for anything, but it’s not much.
I’ll be setting up a real work schedule: Mornings are for new stuff, edits are for after lunch. I’ll be more stingy with what’s important to me. Some of these are folded into others when they’re done.
I’ll start tomorrow.