Category Archives: Writing

Fury, Obsolescence, and Inner Turmoil

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There’s something about the way the mind feels when it’s under duress. It can go from outright calm to sudden bursts of fury and sometimes it’s unknown which way it will go.

The fury within the mind is a chaotic and disturbing thing. It can lead oneself into the unknown.

There’s a struggle between embracing the fury of calm and taking it outright for what it is.

It is your mind trying to trick you or make your anxiety levels rise.

Those parts of your mind are the righteousness and are formidable.

They will make you disavow what you believe should be the correct choice and you’ll feel devoid of the proper choice.

This unconscious thought makes us all a gear in society as well as the irreverent cog.

We must conquer the fury and use it for our own creative purposes.

Whether we find those purposes worthy is another question.

The obsolescence and immaturity of our mind may not allow this but we must pursue it.

Aim for the fury and fire and keep going.

Health, work, chaos…

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Whether you’ve only started to follow me or you’re a long time reader, you may have noticed a few things.

I don’t talk about TM as much. It’s still a part of my every day life, but I don’t bring it up as much as I once did.

I’ve devoted the blog more to writing, mental health, and a few other things.

There are many reasons for this, but the main reasons are that they are what is important to me at the moment.

Writing will always be the focal point of the blog, but mental health as well as my sobriety are important as well.

I’ve taken to writing about these things because I feel mental health and sobriety go hand-in-hand with each other. You can’t deal with one without talking about the other.

My sobriety is something that came about because life changes us. It keeps us going, but we have to find new ways to deal with shit in the interim.

I used alcohol to deal with family. I’d numb myself with it so I wouldn’t say something I really wanted to. I’d use it as family events so I would keep my mouth shut even though my head was screaming for me to say something.

It’s a daily struggle to keep on topic lately with my writing. My mind has been rather chaotic lately and it’s why I write about my mental health.

Keeping my mind fresh, but writing, reading, doing complicated tasks, helps me with the chaos, and keeping the chaos from overwhelming me.

I’ve been enjoying the current project, though it has been a struggle some days to get words. I’m on the turn with it and started a new section, which will help with writing.

I will have something out soon about it, though I’m finding it difficult to put a few things in words on this blog as well as other places I post, Instagram, Twitter, but I promise I’ll keep going with the blog. It keeps me focused in a way that I haven’t been and it gives me a place to vent as well as to keep things focused. It also gives me a schedule to follow, which is becoming more important.

When I don’t follow a schedule, things go off the rails. I’ve missed the gym this week because I’ve been bartending. I need those events, but I also need the structure and regiments of the gym to keep me going. It gives me structure and focus.

But have a great weekend.

Writing, Different Opinions, and Mental Health

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The past week has seen some differing developments.

I’ve been trying to work on the draft, having issues with following the outline(the damn story wants to go in other places), my head has been out of place and though I’ve been working on it it continuously wants to take me to other places.

I was able to have some fun this last weekend with my wife.

We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary by going to a concert. It was the first time I’d been to concert since going sober and it was difficult.

I enjoyed the music, the complexity of the lights, the way the show progressed and being able to see the show without worrying about whether I’d wake up with a hangover.

I’ve been away from the blog for a few days because I needed a mental health break.

I’ve been working on doing a few things to improve things mentally and I had a breakthrough about it.

I wondered about a few things for a while and am still up in the air over them.

My opinions on my writing have changed and although I’ve struggled to get words on the page, most of what I’ve written has been good. Which I’m very happy with.

Life moves through us and we find that things aren’t what they seem. Sometimes we go through things in a way that leads us to where we want to go and other times we have to work at getting there harder than we thought we would.

This week has been one of those situations.

I’m good, just working through some shit. Trying to get my focus back, which has been lacking.

I’m bartending a lot more than usual and I’m trying to focus on my writing at the same time. This is harder than I thought it would be and while my focus has been off, I’ve been trying to get the words on the page so they make sense. I think I’ve done well on that part.

The story has been good and feels personal. I like the MC and where it’s going even if it trails off sometimes.

But I have to get things done before I head off to an event. I have five days this week, which will be great for the bank account.

Have a good mid-week.

Struggling to write and getting my focus back.

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Over the weekend my writing hit a snag.

I did good last week. I hit goals, even after I had to rewrite the opening to chapters.

Those rewrites were needed as the POV changed.

I was early in the drafting process and it felt stilted. I felt like the story wasn’t coming across the way I wanted it too. The MC(Main Character) wasn’t coming through in the ways I wanted him too.

I’d written a few thousand words at that point and decided the story was worth it. So I changed the POV. But that’s not why I hit snag.

The story went off script. I have a good outline but the story decided to go down another path.

There are parts of the story I’d forgotten to put in when I made the outline. Things that happen in the certain situation I’ve put these characters in. I had to go back and put them in the situation. It was a needed thing. I didn’t plan for this in the outline and now I feel like it’s taken on a life of its own.

I’m trying not to get frustrated but I’ve taken the last two days off from writing to think about the story. I have to consider the options in the story.

Do I go down one road, maybe it leads to something good, maybe not? Do I let the story go the direction it wants or do I rein it in?

It is a first draft and there will be a few other drafts afterwards and I think I’ll let the story run for a while. See where it goes. I can always eliminate the direction in a later draft if it takes me to dead end.

I’m tired of dead ends. It’s the reason I wrote a damn outline.

My focus has been on other things and I’m working to get it back on track. I haven’t been reading as much as usual and that leads me to dead ends.

Reading keeps me focused and I’m getting back to that.

Today, I’ll be getting back to those things and working on figuring this thing out.

I’ve also begun to do research reading for one of the topics for the project. It’s taking me in directions I’ve never thought of. It’s also heartbreaking to read some of it.

But I’ll leave that out.

Happy writing

The definition of happiness…

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For a long time I thought happiness meant the car, the house, the good job.

I stopped thinking that way a while ago.

For me happiness is seeing my wife and kids every day, during daylight hours, sitting and talking with my son and goofing off with him.

It’s my daughter telling me about her dolls, My Little Pony, and what she did in school.

It’s enjoying the things I took for granted.

I took my wife for granted. I expected she’d always be there. There were times when I think about it now, that I was an ass with her and if she’d have left I would’ve deserved it.

It’s about enjoying the life I have and not caring what others think about that life.

It’s about not caring what others think about your life. It’s what you think about it.

It’s taken me a long time to understand this.

I would rather have the life I have. The struggle to pay bills while I write. The late nights bartending, and the mornings where I know the day will be a struggle.

My life isn’t perfect but I love everything about it.