Acceptance and…

You reach a point in your life where you think about who you are, what you’ve done, and where your mind is.

I don’t know if there’s a term for it, but I feel I’ve reached a few of those.

The mind thing is what I’ve been dealing with recently.

The biggest problem is that I want to go to a certain doctor for something but it would cause our health care benefits to cost more, which is a thing in the American health system.

This thing I want to have dealt with has something to do with the mind, but it’s also one of those things you don’t want to mention. The thought of it scares the hell out of me and my wife.

But there in lies the issue.

Some things have to be dealt with or they grow into other things which can consume the host of such thing.

When I think back on the depression I’ve dealt with in my life, this thing correlates to this one thing. I remember certain things that relate to it from childhood, from adolescence, and definitely from early adulthood.

I won’t get into the particulars of it. I’m working on a new project where that thing comes into play in a way that terrifies me.

We come to ourselves at moments where the need is higher than others. We find ourselves determined to push through our mind obstacles. Negating the problems upon the path and following it until we reach the end. This end is hard to get to. It makes our lives more difficult because of what lies beyond it.. It’s the hardest thing I’ve dealt with and yet, it makes sense to me in a way that I don’t understand.

I continue to write, sober, as I’ve been for the last two months. Which in itself is an accomplishment. With this thing I’m dealing with I consider alcohol to disrupt it more and cause more problems. I also got my first vaccine dose which is a weight somewhat lifted off of my shoulders.

There’s this way of going through life and I find it harder. As I continue my sobriety I find myself moving away from wanting to bartend and doing other things. Yes, I am good at it, but the culture of it isn’t conducive to this new way of life I’ve found myself in.

The best thing is my wife’s acceptance of this. Without her I’d be lost.

One last thing before I move on for the day. I won’t answer questions about what this thing is. Which is why I’m as vague as possible. I hope you’ll understand, I’m fairly certain some of you will.

Have a lovely day,

B

Writing your truth…

There are many moments when I wonder what the hell my brain is doing. It’s all over the place.

It wants to do one thing, then another, all the while throwing things in that I can’t control no matter what the circumstances.

That’s why I write.

This gives me focus when I can’t find it. It’s a depository for my thoughts, though there are time when it feels more like a suppository.

When I write there’s clarity, focus, decision, and faith. Faith is a word that didn’t mean something to me, but writing gives me faith in myself. If I can create worlds, I can do anything else during my day.

The faith to create worlds, to drive story, and to maintain my mind are what get me up and keep me going on a daily basis.

The truth is this shit is hard some days. Lately it feels real hard.

I’m sure it’s the pandemic, but lately I feel detached, unavailable, and like there’s another something I’m missing that isn’t in front of me.

I don’t know where this is going some days, but with writing I get clarity in everything else.

I put a story away out of fear last year. That fear has driven me to work on it after the current project is done.

I hope you’re all well, I’ll be here contemplating the evolution of writing and where my head is.

Health, work, chaos…

Whether you’ve only started to follow me or you’re a long time reader, you may have noticed a few things.

I don’t talk about TM as much. It’s still a part of my every day life, but I don’t bring it up as much as I once did.

I’ve devoted the blog more to writing, mental health, and a few other things.

There are many reasons for this, but the main reasons are that they are what is important to me at the moment.

Writing will always be the focal point of the blog, but mental health as well as my sobriety are important as well.

I’ve taken to writing about these things because I feel mental health and sobriety go hand-in-hand with each other. You can’t deal with one without talking about the other.

My sobriety is something that came about because life changes us. It keeps us going, but we have to find new ways to deal with shit in the interim.

I used alcohol to deal with family. I’d numb myself with it so I wouldn’t say something I really wanted to. I’d use it as family events so I would keep my mouth shut even though my head was screaming for me to say something.

It’s a daily struggle to keep on topic lately with my writing. My mind has been rather chaotic lately and it’s why I write about my mental health.

Keeping my mind fresh, but writing, reading, doing complicated tasks, helps me with the chaos, and keeping the chaos from overwhelming me.

I’ve been enjoying the current project, though it has been a struggle some days to get words. I’m on the turn with it and started a new section, which will help with writing.

I will have something out soon about it, though I’m finding it difficult to put a few things in words on this blog as well as other places I post, Instagram, Twitter, but I promise I’ll keep going with the blog. It keeps me focused in a way that I haven’t been and it gives me a place to vent as well as to keep things focused. It also gives me a schedule to follow, which is becoming more important.

When I don’t follow a schedule, things go off the rails. I’ve missed the gym this week because I’ve been bartending. I need those events, but I also need the structure and regiments of the gym to keep me going. It gives me structure and focus.

But have a great weekend.

Writing, Different Opinions, and Mental Health

The past week has seen some differing developments.

I’ve been trying to work on the draft, having issues with following the outline(the damn story wants to go in other places), my head has been out of place and though I’ve been working on it it continuously wants to take me to other places.

I was able to have some fun this last weekend with my wife.

We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary by going to a concert. It was the first time I’d been to concert since going sober and it was difficult.

I enjoyed the music, the complexity of the lights, the way the show progressed and being able to see the show without worrying about whether I’d wake up with a hangover.

I’ve been away from the blog for a few days because I needed a mental health break.

I’ve been working on doing a few things to improve things mentally and I had a breakthrough about it.

I wondered about a few things for a while and am still up in the air over them.

My opinions on my writing have changed and although I’ve struggled to get words on the page, most of what I’ve written has been good. Which I’m very happy with.

Life moves through us and we find that things aren’t what they seem. Sometimes we go through things in a way that leads us to where we want to go and other times we have to work at getting there harder than we thought we would.

This week has been one of those situations.

I’m good, just working through some shit. Trying to get my focus back, which has been lacking.

I’m bartending a lot more than usual and I’m trying to focus on my writing at the same time. This is harder than I thought it would be and while my focus has been off, I’ve been trying to get the words on the page so they make sense. I think I’ve done well on that part.

The story has been good and feels personal. I like the MC and where it’s going even if it trails off sometimes.

But I have to get things done before I head off to an event. I have five days this week, which will be great for the bank account.

Have a good mid-week.

When we chase the light…

Sometimes we hit a rough patch.

And like all rough patches, they feel longer than they are.

We find ourselves traveling roads no one’s been. It feels harder, the terrain more difficult.

With each passing spray of dirt, we right ourselves. The correction may be difficult but it’s worth the effort.

Then we’re out off the rough patch, onto the main road and following until we reach our destination.

Sometimes the destination feels farther away than we first realized. We can see the light illuminating its top and we want to quit. We want to give up.

But when we’re traveling and hitting rough spots we’re still moving forward. We’re still traveling towards the light.

When we get stuck in the mud our faith in ourselves and our journey falters.

The mud covers our tires, buries them and then we’re only spinning.

Those are the times we look for someone who can help.

We have to find those people to get out of the mud. We’ll stand on the side of the road, hope they’re around the curve, wish for them to come around and sometimes they will.

Other times, we need to get a stick, place it under the tires or wrap a rope around a tree and pull ourselves out.

When we pull ourselves out its more difficult but the reward of doing ourselves feels better.

We won’t always have that person to pull us out of the mud. Finding a way out without needing someone to help us gives us hope. Hope that next time, we’ll do it again.

Living with constant depression is a battle each day.

There are moments where we get out of the mud, pull onto the main road, hit the gas and get closer.

Those days seem like their far apart some days, weeks, months but they are there.

We must reach the light on the hill.

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