Tag Archives: inspiration

Rocks, tumbles, and friction.

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There’s been a lot of stuff going on in my head lately.

I don’t know how to quantify it.

I’m worried about my writing, my wife, where my head has been and whether I should keep writing.

It all came to head when I broke the other day. I don’t know what caused it but my head felt fractured inside.

It came out of nowhere.

I’ve been trying to focus and I haven’t been able too.

I feel like I’m seeing through a fog and I can’t find my way.

When I sit down and try and work, nothing comes out. The little that does feels forced.

I’ve never had this feeling before and I’m not sure what it’s leading to.

The world is spinning though my mind isn’t on it.

I feel it getting slower until I’m not sure where I’ll get off.

I have to write because it keeps my mind safe and clear. Without the writing I don’t know how to function.

I’ll be okay but right now things feel hard.

One thing after another…

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So, I intended to take a break from social media, the blog, and a few other things and work on the current project.

After much debate with myself over the project, snags(laptop battery issues, what feels like constant OS updates, numerous random glitches)I’m putting the story away for now.

It feels like something doesn’t want me to write this story.

I’ve written two version, almost three, and though I love the story and there’s some scary shit in it, I feel it’s time after too many starts and stops that it needs to be put away.

I hate having to do this with a story that I really enjoy writing, but sometimes there are signs a story won’t go further, I’ve seen numerous signs.

But I’m not just quitting. NaNoWriMo starts on Friday, so I’ll be brainstorming for the next day or so over writing something. If nothing comes, that’s fine too. But I need to get something done. I haven’t finished a long form story since May.

I’ve done a few shorts, and maybe I’ll tinker with them. I also have a contest that I need to write a story for. That one needs to be done by the end of January.

It sucks when a story doesn’t come together the way you want. Especially after putting months of outlines, weeks of writing, and frustration into it.

I’m not sure where I’ll be going, but I will keep working.

I hate not working. It’s one of the reasons we left Las Vegas and I feel that if I’m not writing I’m failing my family in some way.

My wife has told me that’s not true, but it feels that way.

Either way, the very cool project I’d been working on for the last few months is being shelved.

I learned a lot from writing parts of it and there is some great writing in it but sometimes that’s not enough and I’ll step away from it to work on something else.

Happy writing and have a Happy Halloween!

Time to buckle down…

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Every now and then I see a blog post or tweet from an author where they announce they’ll be mostly absent to finish a certain project.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve considered this as a last resort for myself.

I had issues within my own head to deal with, struggles with writing, and other things.

But I keep coming back to this.

I have this novel to finish by the end of the year, and though I have my bartending job that pays some bills, it’s not where my heart lies.

I also don’t have the exposure, social media following or whatever as these other authors and we’re told to build our brand before publishing, submitting, or the like.

So, I’m going to take a break from the blog and social media to finish this project, get others ready for either publishing or submitting and do what needs to be done.

It may last until the end of the year or not, but I will check in with short posts about how the writing is going, or isn’t, as well as what is going on with the other projects.

I’m not quitting the blog, only refocusing on where it’s more important.

Have a happy next few months.

I found what I was looking for.

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Over the last couple of months I’ve been fighting with myself about how I should write.

Should I use and outline? Should I just write?

After two months of barely getting any words, last week I changed to what I was doing before.

I wrote 8 books that way.

So that’s what I’ll be doing from now on.

I’ll also be publishing soon, at least that’s my intention. I may submit the story instead. It’s really good and I feel it’s my best to this point.

I hope you all have a great week. I’m bartending most of this week so I may miss a day on the blog.

Depression and fighting to be myself.

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So I’ve been depressed. You may have noticed.

It’s permeated the blog my personal life and my writing.

It started after I had too much to drink in front of my kids and got sick, so since June.

I don’t usually drink to excess like that and it freaked me out. I stopped for almost 3 months.

Wednesday night I had a drink and it felt good to have it and not care who’s going to judge me for it, I’m at the point I don’t care.

What I have done is make up rules for when I drink.

I can’t have a shot because I’m stressed. I have to deal with my shit and what’s causing me stress.

I can’t use it as medication. Which means when I’m at a family function, I won’t be drinking.

In the past, as I mentioned last week, I’ve done this. I’d drink so I could ignore how people have treated me in the past.

Now I won’t drink or I won’t attend those events.

My wife said it was okay that I wanted to drink and it’s not like I drink to get hammered.

That night in June I drank so I could deal with shit. I had people at that event that I’d either not talk to or that if I said what I really wanted too it wouldn’t go over well.

So, since that event, I’ve barely been writing. It’s not that the alcohol fueled my writing it was that my mind wasn’t there.

I was constantly worrying about drinking and how people would look at me if I went back to it.

After discussing this with my wife she said, “Don’t worry what others think. It’s more important what you think.” And that’s why I’ve been married to this amazing woman for 20 years.

She knows me better than I know myself. She understands me.

She gets it!

Since I accepted that it’s more important what I think, I’ve wrote 6,000 words in two days.

Accepting yourself for who you are, not who others want you to be for their convenience, is a breakthrough for me.

I’m having a better week and I hope you are too.