Depression and fighting to be myself.

So I’ve been depressed. You may have noticed.

It’s permeated the blog my personal life and my writing.

It started after I had too much to drink in front of my kids and got sick, so since June.

I don’t usually drink to excess like that and it freaked me out. I stopped for almost 3 months.

Wednesday night I had a drink and it felt good to have it and not care who’s going to judge me for it, I’m at the point I don’t care.

What I have done is make up rules for when I drink.

I can’t have a shot because I’m stressed. I have to deal with my shit and what’s causing me stress.

I can’t use it as medication. Which means when I’m at a family function, I won’t be drinking.

In the past, as I mentioned last week, I’ve done this. I’d drink so I could ignore how people have treated me in the past.

Now I won’t drink or I won’t attend those events.

My wife said it was okay that I wanted to drink and it’s not like I drink to get hammered.

That night in June I drank so I could deal with shit. I had people at that event that I’d either not talk to or that if I said what I really wanted too it wouldn’t go over well.

So, since that event, I’ve barely been writing. It’s not that the alcohol fueled my writing it was that my mind wasn’t there.

I was constantly worrying about drinking and how people would look at me if I went back to it.

After discussing this with my wife she said, “Don’t worry what others think. It’s more important what you think.” And that’s why I’ve been married to this amazing woman for 20 years.

She knows me better than I know myself. She understands me.

She gets it!

Since I accepted that it’s more important what I think, I’ve wrote 6,000 words in two days.

Accepting yourself for who you are, not who others want you to be for their convenience, is a breakthrough for me.

I’m having a better week and I hope you are too.

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Getting comfortable

I have a tendency to stop just before things happen.

With my writing I’ll be doing good, then I back off. I don’t know why but I do.

I get into a comfortable mindset and forget that I’m supposed to be working. I’m supposed to be writing.

I told myself it wouldn’t happen again, and it hasn’t.

Something else has.

I’ve hit a point in my writing where the world I’m creating feels lived in. Feels real and it scares the hell out of me.

It’s the opposite of being comfortable, maybe.

There’s no fear but an absence of worry. I know I’ll get the project done on time. I understand where it needs to go and I’m finally comfortable with it.

I write these stories because the premise intrigues me.

I keep going with them because I made myself a promise to do it.

When I left Las Vegas four years ago I gave myself 5 years to publish a book. At the time it felt realistic.

In the next two months I’ll be doing exactly that.

The book isn’t perfect but I enjoyed writing it and I hope you enjoy reading it.

I’ll have more about that soon. But it will be wide and I hope you enjoy it.

Fury, Obsolescence, and Inner Turmoil

There’s something about the way the mind feels when it’s under duress. It can go from outright calm to sudden bursts of fury and sometimes it’s unknown which way it will go.

The fury within the mind is a chaotic and disturbing thing. It can lead oneself into the unknown.

There’s a struggle between embracing the fury of calm and taking it outright for what it is.

It is your mind trying to trick you or make your anxiety levels rise.

Those parts of your mind are the righteousness and are formidable.

They will make you disavow what you believe should be the correct choice and you’ll feel devoid of the proper choice.

This unconscious thought makes us all a gear in society as well as the irreverent cog.

We must conquer the fury and use it for our own creative purposes.

Whether we find those purposes worthy is another question.

The obsolescence and immaturity of our mind may not allow this but we must pursue it.

Aim for the fury and fire and keep going.

The definition of happiness…

For a long time I thought happiness meant the car, the house, the good job.

I stopped thinking that way a while ago.

For me happiness is seeing my wife and kids every day, during daylight hours, sitting and talking with my son and goofing off with him.

It’s my daughter telling me about her dolls, My Little Pony, and what she did in school.

It’s enjoying the things I took for granted.

I took my wife for granted. I expected she’d always be there. There were times when I think about it now, that I was an ass with her and if she’d have left I would’ve deserved it.

It’s about enjoying the life I have and not caring what others think about that life.

It’s about not caring what others think about your life. It’s what you think about it.

It’s taken me a long time to understand this.

I would rather have the life I have. The struggle to pay bills while I write. The late nights bartending, and the mornings where I know the day will be a struggle.

My life isn’t perfect but I love everything about it.

Fear and what it does to us.

I was talking to my wife the other night as we lay in bed.

We want to go to London and Edinburgh with our kids next summer and I said, “well if we go there at least we won’t get shot at.”

This is what we’ve come to.

My kids go back to school in two weeks and then it’s stress time.

Any time the sound of siren passes down the street we wonder. Is that going to their school?

It’s a horrible place to be in as a human and a parent to think this way, but it’s the only way I can think.

We’ve reached a point where we cower in fear at the sound of siren, a car backfiring, and fireworks going off.

It’s not normal to act this but unfortunately it’s the point we’ve reached.

I’ve talked to other parents who react the same way and it’s terrifying.

I don’t look at this as a political issue, it’s a human rights issue.

My kids and everyone else’s kids deserve to attend school without having lockdown drills.

Myself and other parents deserve to not worry about a shooting but whether their kid is enjoying school.

I’ve reached the point where I’d rather travel overseas with my family than in the country of my birth.

My family has roots going to the 1600’s in this country. It’s about what’s right and decent not about what’s politically popular.