Category Archives: Writing

Writing In Denial

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“you can’t get away from yourself by moving from one place to another.”
― Ernest Hemingway

I reached a point of fascination when it came to the macabre early on.

The darker the material, whether it was books or movies, I loved it.

I also knew that this was no accepted, at least when it came to books. I’ve said numerous times that he wouldn’t let me read what I wanted. This was different when it came to movies. I think he wanted to scare me, but it didn’t work. I was fascinated.

This was very evident when we watched Pumpkinhead. He said it would be a good and scary, yes it was scary, but that wore off, replaced with a fascination of the creature. When I found a copy of Fangoria with the details about the makeup and effects in Pumpkinhead it pushed me further to understand why I liked these things.

I don’t understand why I like darker things, and it took me a long time to embrace my love of them. It’s something that I resisted for a very long time.

I resisted it out of being tormented, and wanting to fit in.

As I grew older I found the books I wanted to read as a kid but weren’t allowed to. I watched a lot of horror movies, but the books were what I craved. I read a lot of King, read Barker, and these are two of my favorites, with Clive at the top.

I’ve read so many horror books, watched a lot of movies, oftentimes alone because my wife can only handle some movies.

In the last few years I’ve begun to understand this part of who I am as well as embrace it. I get looks when I talk about the horror books I read, the stories I write, but in being authentic to myself I have to embrace the dark side I’ve put away for a very long time.

This revelation came about while listening to an audio book for the tenth time. I put this part of me away so long that pulling it out is difficult. Letting it run loose is even more difficult.

While I’ve thrown myself into the dark end of the pool in the last couple of years, the pool has called to me since I was 12. Now I’m playing catch up.

I guess it’s time to move forward into the pool and realize it wasn’t dark, not exactly, it was the blood I denied myself.

Playing in this arena with my mind fully there is something I’ve set aside. I did that out of judgment, fear, and for the simple fact that the stories in my mind scared me. It’s these stories I’ll follow down the rabbit hole.

Focus is the issue

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As I sat down to write this morning I’d stop, check Twitter, and maybe go back to the story.

I’ve been doing this for the last week with every story I started.

Yes, what I said on Friday is true. When I’m not enjoying my reading material, I have trouble writing. And I must be reading within the genre I’m writing. I cannot cross the streams.

There it is in all of it’s horrible glory. I have a focus issue. I have Freedom for Mac and I’ve been neglecting using it for a number of reasons, let’s list them:

  1. I don’t want to use it because it feels like a crutch.

2. Using it feels like there’s something wrong with me.

3. I tell myself I don’t need to use it, but when I have this much trouble focusing, something has to change.

4. get interrupted by my kids a lot in the morning for various things. Then I have to stop it or let it run.

Now that they will be returning to in class instruction it will make the mornings easier, but I’ve also written with no problems while they’ve been home for the last year and a half.

It’s right now that things are a bit hectic with them going back, my wife crazy busy, and the bartending is slowing down heading into September.

There’s also one thing that has been on my mind: We’re getting a dog in the near future and planning for that in our house has been interesting. I have to fix cords, put things away and I worry about my book storage. It will be like a having a toddler in the house again.

So, focus is the issue, and the fraud police, as I stated in Friday’s post.

I only have a short story collection published, but I have a novella on submission and a short story. But as I’ve written 11 books, submitted three of them to agents, I find it hard to wonder if I’m doing something wrong.

Are my stories bad? Is there something I’m doing wrong or is my head just screwing with me?

I like to think it’s the latter, but with as many novels, novellas, and short stories I’ve submitted and received rejections, it’s a thing my brain throws at me.

I’ll keep writing because I can’t not write. Right now it’s difficult, but I will persevere, I will continue to write.

I hope you all have a good week.

I have two bartending gigs this week and while I’m masked during them, it’s starting to feel like Survivor: Pandemic Edition. Masks are rarely worn by guests and with the percentage of vaccinated in Utah, I doubt all of them are vaccinated.

But I’ll keep working because my family needs me to.

Lack of motivation is killing me

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For the last week I have had zero motivation to write. I have submitted a story, but I haven’t had motivation to continue anything I’ve started.

I’m not sure why this is. Oftentimes it has something to do with what I’m reading.

I had an idea to start another Grimdark novel, so I started reading Grimdark, but that’s grown boring and I returned to reading “Let The Right One In.”

I’ve seen both versions of the movie, and maybe that’s screwing me up in my reading of the book. If you haven’t watched either movie, they’re both good, and while I like the actors better in the Swedish version, I felt some of the scenes in the American version were better. Either way, you won’t be disappointed, especially if you like vampires.

But having scene both versions, I know too much about the story and when that happens the reading gets boring. I think the writing is great, however, I feel that having scene both movies, the story is too well known to me and I won’t be finishing it. Which I want to, but won’t. I’ve found it’s not worth forcing yourself through a story you’re reading just to have it listed on Goodreads as something you’ve read. I learned that from reading House of Leaves.

I have numerous books, some from my Nightworms subscription and others that I’ve purchased.

This lack of motivation crept its way into my bartending gig and the lack of motivation to deal with rich, entitled people and their weddings during Covid has reached its zenith and I find myself wanting to take a break from doing events but am financially unable to do so.

When you work catering events you’re going to deal with people who have more money than sense. There were 160 people at the event and the probability that they were all vaccinated in these United States is not good.

The event last night felt like one I did last summer, with a similar guest count. It was soon after that we stopped doing events with a large guest count.

I don’t want to say this summer is feeling like early last summer, but that’s how it feels. I like doing events. I like bartending, but I loath the people withe more money than sense.

But I digress.

I will change my reading material to something else because Let The Right One In is not doing it for me because I know the story so well.

I need to get back on track. When I’m lost like this those old thoughts come back. The feelings of I’m not good enough. The idea that someone will come and tell me I’m not good enough and I should stop submitting creep in.

I hate those feelings. They make me feel worthless!

But on to other things, better things. I have a couple of events this weekend and I’m hoping they go better than the last one.

I took some time away…and

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I stepped away from social media, only checking things on my computer. The only social app on my phone is TikTok, and it’s for comic relief purposes.

This break from social media led me to reevaluate how much time I spend on Twitter and Instagram.

Instagram has pretty pictures and Twitter, well it has as much drama as Facebook, or at least that’s how it’s felt lately so I’ve taken myself off from there, only logging in every other day. I may miss a few things but my mental state was getting bad prior to leaving.

This time away let me solve the issues I had with the story I was working on and finally finish the first draft.

I know what I want to write next, but I may take some time to read, while I let the story percolate a bit longer. It’s not something I always do and I feel that’s caused problem.

The story will also need some help from a family member and I need to find the correct questions to ask her. The story is similar to the others roaming in my brain. The political/military thriller x horror is where I’m heading with my current stuff, and this one will need a bit of help with it to make it good.

This time away led to progress with the story and it’s helped me navigate my mental issues.

My ego is messing with me.

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Twice a year, my ego screws with me. This comes in any manner of way, but lately, as I see other writers kicking ass, getting contracts, and generally doing better than I am, my ego is questioning what the hell is going on.

I know it’s my ego, that little bastard doesn’t shut up long enough to let me take a breath, much less acknowledge why and where I’m failing in my writing.

The thing is, I’ve been working. I’ve been writing and I know that I’m not sending things out all of the time, but I can’t. I have a life outside of writing. I have my wife and kids, and a bartending gig I do.

The bartending gig is something that pays the bills, but I’d rather be doing anything that bartending. That’s probably to do with how people are treating those of us in the food service industry. People became horrible in the last year and maybe they were always that, but something else has triggered them into believing it’s okay to act this way, but that’s another blog post.

I’d like to push things out of the way and get to writing, but I worry about neglecting my wife and kids. That’s something I did when I lived in Las Vegas and can’t to that route. I also worry about asking for things from people because, well, I’m not certain my writing is very good.

Ego is kicking me in the ass, envy is kicking me in the balls, and I’m sore as hell about it all.

I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. I’d like to take a break from bartending to focus on writing, but it’s the busy season for catering and it’s impossible to do that.

If I could find a crossroads that would work, I’d use that.

I’m so bent right now that I’m unsure of everything.

Am I writing well? Am I doing what I need to get noticed? Is there something I’m not doing?

All of this comes down to pushing things away and dealing with my mental issues.

I have to knock those back sometimes in order to gain some semblance of who I am.

The ego kicks my ass, but my mental issues do more damage.

Depression sucks, and I’ve tried to use it as a motivator, but I’m at place where my ego and the envy I have for others knocks me on my ass.

I guess I’ll keep going with this writing, but I wish I didn’t have to do these events sometimes.

The mental focus it takes to do these events and not scream at the top of my lungs as some half-wit berates me or my staff about how rich they are or that it’s their house and they can do what they want in their house makes me want to scream.

Some people are just assholes.

My ego is screwing with me and I’m working on getting it under control.

I’m planning on getting to this blog more often. I get stuck on things and then I try to get away and it just gets worse.

Anyway, have a good weekend.