Writing In Denial

“you can’t get away from yourself by moving from one place to another.”
― Ernest Hemingway

I reached a point of fascination when it came to the macabre early on.

The darker the material, whether it was books or movies, I loved it.

I also knew that this was no accepted, at least when it came to books. I’ve said numerous times that he wouldn’t let me read what I wanted. This was different when it came to movies. I think he wanted to scare me, but it didn’t work. I was fascinated.

This was very evident when we watched Pumpkinhead. He said it would be a good and scary, yes it was scary, but that wore off, replaced with a fascination of the creature. When I found a copy of Fangoria with the details about the makeup and effects in Pumpkinhead it pushed me further to understand why I liked these things.

I don’t understand why I like darker things, and it took me a long time to embrace my love of them. It’s something that I resisted for a very long time.

I resisted it out of being tormented, and wanting to fit in.

As I grew older I found the books I wanted to read as a kid but weren’t allowed to. I watched a lot of horror movies, but the books were what I craved. I read a lot of King, read Barker, and these are two of my favorites, with Clive at the top.

I’ve read so many horror books, watched a lot of movies, oftentimes alone because my wife can only handle some movies.

In the last few years I’ve begun to understand this part of who I am as well as embrace it. I get looks when I talk about the horror books I read, the stories I write, but in being authentic to myself I have to embrace the dark side I’ve put away for a very long time.

This revelation came about while listening to an audio book for the tenth time. I put this part of me away so long that pulling it out is difficult. Letting it run loose is even more difficult.

While I’ve thrown myself into the dark end of the pool in the last couple of years, the pool has called to me since I was 12. Now I’m playing catch up.

I guess it’s time to move forward into the pool and realize it wasn’t dark, not exactly, it was the blood I denied myself.

Playing in this arena with my mind fully there is something I’ve set aside. I did that out of judgment, fear, and for the simple fact that the stories in my mind scared me. It’s these stories I’ll follow down the rabbit hole.


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