Category Archives: Health

Health, work, chaos…

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Whether you’ve only started to follow me or you’re a long time reader, you may have noticed a few things.

I don’t talk about TM as much. It’s still a part of my every day life, but I don’t bring it up as much as I once did.

I’ve devoted the blog more to writing, mental health, and a few other things.

There are many reasons for this, but the main reasons are that they are what is important to me at the moment.

Writing will always be the focal point of the blog, but mental health as well as my sobriety are important as well.

I’ve taken to writing about these things because I feel mental health and sobriety go hand-in-hand with each other. You can’t deal with one without talking about the other.

My sobriety is something that came about because life changes us. It keeps us going, but we have to find new ways to deal with shit in the interim.

I used alcohol to deal with family. I’d numb myself with it so I wouldn’t say something I really wanted to. I’d use it as family events so I would keep my mouth shut even though my head was screaming for me to say something.

It’s a daily struggle to keep on topic lately with my writing. My mind has been rather chaotic lately and it’s why I write about my mental health.

Keeping my mind fresh, but writing, reading, doing complicated tasks, helps me with the chaos, and keeping the chaos from overwhelming me.

I’ve been enjoying the current project, though it has been a struggle some days to get words. I’m on the turn with it and started a new section, which will help with writing.

I will have something out soon about it, though I’m finding it difficult to put a few things in words on this blog as well as other places I post, Instagram, Twitter, but I promise I’ll keep going with the blog. It keeps me focused in a way that I haven’t been and it gives me a place to vent as well as to keep things focused. It also gives me a schedule to follow, which is becoming more important.

When I don’t follow a schedule, things go off the rails. I’ve missed the gym this week because I’ve been bartending. I need those events, but I also need the structure and regiments of the gym to keep me going. It gives me structure and focus.

But have a great weekend.

Writing, Different Opinions, and Mental Health

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The past week has seen some differing developments.

I’ve been trying to work on the draft, having issues with following the outline(the damn story wants to go in other places), my head has been out of place and though I’ve been working on it it continuously wants to take me to other places.

I was able to have some fun this last weekend with my wife.

We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary by going to a concert. It was the first time I’d been to concert since going sober and it was difficult.

I enjoyed the music, the complexity of the lights, the way the show progressed and being able to see the show without worrying about whether I’d wake up with a hangover.

I’ve been away from the blog for a few days because I needed a mental health break.

I’ve been working on doing a few things to improve things mentally and I had a breakthrough about it.

I wondered about a few things for a while and am still up in the air over them.

My opinions on my writing have changed and although I’ve struggled to get words on the page, most of what I’ve written has been good. Which I’m very happy with.

Life moves through us and we find that things aren’t what they seem. Sometimes we go through things in a way that leads us to where we want to go and other times we have to work at getting there harder than we thought we would.

This week has been one of those situations.

I’m good, just working through some shit. Trying to get my focus back, which has been lacking.

I’m bartending a lot more than usual and I’m trying to focus on my writing at the same time. This is harder than I thought it would be and while my focus has been off, I’ve been trying to get the words on the page so they make sense. I think I’ve done well on that part.

The story has been good and feels personal. I like the MC and where it’s going even if it trails off sometimes.

But I have to get things done before I head off to an event. I have five days this week, which will be great for the bank account.

Have a good mid-week.

Sobriety, writing, and finding yourself.

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A year ago, maybe earlier, I read Doctor Sleep by Stephen King. It woke something in me.

Before that book I’d never considered getting sober, or that I may have a problem.

I’d always thought, that happens to other people. I can handle my alcohol. But that’s what we say when we have a problem.

I haven’t been sober for longer than a couple of days in a long time.

I thought I had it under control.

After reading Doctor Sleep, I noticed similarities between how I drank, why I drank, and whether I got any enjoyment out of it.

Secretly, I started looking at AA. I never told anyone because I was afraid of judgement. I didn’t want the possibility that I could have a drinking problem to be leaked to anyone.

In my family, we drink for a lot of reasons. For celebrations, weddings, birthdays, and a lot of other things.

But when have these things I felt like I couldn’t be me. I had to drink to numb certain pains of being around some family members.

I drank when things at home got too out of hand and my head hurt. If me and my wife got in an argument, I’d do a shot, or two, or three.

It was my coping mechanism.

In my early twenties I drank to deal with rejection. I drank to fit in because I didn’t like who I was.

It’s odd to think of this now, but I did. I drank because I felt I had to in order to fit in.

I also believed it would help my writing. It did for Hemingway.

I fell under that spell. The one where a writer or creative must drink in order to be creative. I fell for that hard.

Now, after being sober for a month. I’m nearly done with the edits of the book I wrote in the spring. I’ll finish those later today.

I’m learning that I have find other ways to cope with things. I have to talk to myself more, I have to talk myself down from things, and when my irrational mind starts acting up, I don’t reach for a bottle.

The last month has been difficult. Not because I got sober; but because I learned I can get through life without alcohol. I can have fun with my wife without needing to drink.

As of this writing I’ve been sober for 1 month.

I feel more focused. Food tastes different, which is weird. My stomach doesn’t hurt as often as it once did. I feel a better connection to my wife and kids, and that’s the big one for me.

It hasn’t been all rainbows and unicorns but it’s a hell of a lot better than my last drunk.

Drafting, sobriety, and exercise issues.

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I’m on week 2 of drafting. Week 3 of my new workout routine and started week four of being sober.

There have been hiccups in the drafting, that’s normal.

My new workout has kicked my ass and I’m not sure how long I can sustain its intensity levels.

The sobriety thing has been good. Sleeping better, mind clearer. You’d think that would help with my drafting but nope. At least not now.

I’m working on what I have in my head and what isn’t there has been the difficult part.

I wrote down what happens but I still have to write it.

I’m also going through the book I finished in June.

It’s been a pleasant and enjoyable surprise.

Have a good midweek.

Fear and what it does to us.

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I was talking to my wife the other night as we lay in bed.

We want to go to London and Edinburgh with our kids next summer and I said, “well if we go there at least we won’t get shot at.”

This is what we’ve come to.

My kids go back to school in two weeks and then it’s stress time.

Any time the sound of siren passes down the street we wonder. Is that going to their school?

It’s a horrible place to be in as a human and a parent to think this way, but it’s the only way I can think.

We’ve reached a point where we cower in fear at the sound of siren, a car backfiring, and fireworks going off.

It’s not normal to act this but unfortunately it’s the point we’ve reached.

I’ve talked to other parents who react the same way and it’s terrifying.

I don’t look at this as a political issue, it’s a human rights issue.

My kids and everyone else’s kids deserve to attend school without having lockdown drills.

Myself and other parents deserve to not worry about a shooting but whether their kid is enjoying school.

I’ve reached the point where I’d rather travel overseas with my family than in the country of my birth.

My family has roots going to the 1600’s in this country. It’s about what’s right and decent not about what’s politically popular.