Category Archives: Health

6 and Counting

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It was a warm September day, even for Las Vegas.

I’d taken the day off so I could take my wife to her fetal monitoring appointment.

I’d missed all of them to that point because of work and I refused to miss that one.

We were a little more than a month from our due date. Our daughter was scheduled to arrive October 27th, but things changed that day.

I’d dropped our son off at Kindergarten and was able to sit with my wife for a few hours before we had to be at the appointment.

I don’t remember what we talked about, only that she looked beautiful.

We left the house a early because we didn’t want to be late and we both commented on how warm it was.

Once they hooked her up to the machine there was a flurry of activity around us, which got us in a panic.

We’d already had a miscarriage and other complications prior to this pregnancy and were fearful of anything going wrong.

The doctor came in and told us, “Your baby’s heartbeat is low and there’s little fluid in there with her. We’re sending you to hospital. You’re having her today.”

It was 6 weeks from our due date and I immediately called my mom to make sure she could get our son from school.

We arrived at the hospital, the Vegas sun beating down, my wife sweating, my stressing and they wheeled her up to the maternity ward.

My mom was able to get our son, and they arrived a while later.

My wife was hooked up, given her epidural we were ready to roll, then our little girl’s heart rate began to drop.

We were sent in for an emergency C-Section, which scared the hell out of both of us.

They started her and told me not to film them doing the surgery, which if you’ve never seen a C-Section, it’s surgery.

They pulled our girl out, she screamed, but it was labored.

Walking across the delivery/operating room, they were poking and prodding her and took her out of the room quickly.

When we got back to my wife’s room, they told us the bad news.

Our little girl’s lungs weren’t fully developed and they’d be watching her closely.

That night was one of the hardest nights I’ve had as a parent.

I couldn’t sleep and our little girl was in the Neonatal Infant Care Unit or N.I.C.U., a place she’d be staying for the next month.

Over the following month we watched our little girl fight with the feroctiy of grizzly, which is why I call her my little bear.

We were finally able to take her home from the hospital on her due date.

She was and is a strong willed little girl.

Today she turns six and is every bit the strong little bear she was in the hospital.

Happy Birthday my little bear.

5 Things I Learned About Myself While Battling Depression

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There are little things that happen when you begin to live.

They’re small to others but to those of us who struggle with depression, they’re profound.

Throughout my battle with depression I’ve had things that kept me going, though at a few points they didn’t feel like they were enough.

  1. I’m able understand my children better.
  2. I don’t get angry as often at little things.
  3. I understand my life and how I got to this point.
  4. My wife understands me better.
  5. I know where my limits are and how to manage things better.

In hindsight I should have told my wife or someone how bad things were, but the shame of being male and dealing with depression scared me into being quiet.

Men and boys are told to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves and to never let anyone know we’re hurting.

This causes problems for us and our families.

Oftentimes resulting in tragedy.

Getting through my depression I’ve learned to listen to my body and have it guide me in the direction I need to go.

Depression is one of those things that never truly leaves us. It’s part of who we are and knowing that helps us understand ourselves us better.

Why I Chose Uncertainty Over Fear.

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When I decided to leave my job after 15 years, there were those who said, “You’ll be back” or “You won’t make it”.

These people were usually the same ones who lived in fear of something daily.

I didn’t listen to them, obviously.

I Listened to the other people. The ones who applauded me, those who cheered for one of their own doing something they all wish they could do, but for their own reasons (family, job and things out of their control) couldn’t do.

Each time someone made a comment about me leaving, I’d notice their tone, and what they said. I also took what I knew about their lives and considered where their words were coming from.

For the majority of them, they were sincere about wanting my happiness, but there’s always the haters. Those who could leave their life and prosper, but out of fear, they’re unable.

Each of these people had things they wanted out of life, but were unable to do.

And for each I wanted them to have a better life. One filled with the things they wanted, the future they deserved and their family deserved.

I also thought, what made me so special?

What made me it possible for me to get out?

You could say it was timing, and you’d be partially right, But still, why am I able to live the life I want, and the one I want for my family?

I didn’t fear the repercussions of my actions.

I didn’t think past the next step in my life.

I knew what I wanted and I went after it.

I reached a point when I faced the fear of uncertainty. I chose to ignore it and do what my heart wanted.

I still get those who applaud me for following my heart, and as for the others, their curiously silent.

Migraine

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It started behind my right ear, dug in deep to the inner cortex and moved towards my frontal lobe, stopping, pushing and holding until I released the pain in a torrent of liquid.

My hearing heightened as if I living in Hell’s Kitchen.

But it didn’t stop, I felt punished and devoid of my thought processes.

My brain, pulsed, ached and pounded within my skull. The force felt like it was splitting through the tissue covering my grey matter, but it didn’t desist, it kept coming, striking and throttling my head .

I lay motionless. My body worn and pushed beneath the surface of who I was.

Each throttling threw my head into my hands as I curled into a fetal position.

I’d regressed until I felt the suddenness of the chemical hit the blood stream.

My hands fell to my sides, my head resting softly against the pillow until my eyes closed and I blacked out.

Struggle, Depression and Climbing from the Rabbit Hole.

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Our struggle to survive is equaled by whether we feel we should.

At times of great struggle we’re bent in half, struggling to discover why we’re in a dark place, why we hate ourselves and how to get out of the darkness.

The struggle is helped only by having people around us who understand what we’re going through, otherwise we’re left to our own meager defenses.

These defenses, though sometimes great, are no match for the darkness which proceeds to swallow us whole. This entire struggle, seems determines to sink who we are, take away our lives and leave us asking why.

The why of the struggle is the greatest determiner for how we got to that point. We don’t see the small things, the little pieces of who we are and only see the larger pieces, the big things which led us to this point.

But, it’s the smaller pieces. The moments of struggle which have led us farther down the rabbit hole and have left us scrambling to crawl from the rabbit hole, scathed, broken and scarred.

The scars of the struggle, physical of mental could last for months, possibly forever, but getting through the fight, standing at the opening of the hole and being alive, that is the greatest struggle.

Getting to that point of the struggle leads us to salvation and to getting better, but we often must seek help to get better.

Seeking help doesn’t mean we’re weak, it only means we couldn’t go the path alone any longer.

Good luck, and have a great week.

Bri