Health

I posted this on Medium last month and somehow forgot to post it here.

Three years ago I stood on the ledge of the parking garage where I used to work.

I’d been fighting depression since I saw my father at my grandfather’s funeral. He walked past me as if I weren’t there.

The day I stood on the ledge, a co-worker told me, “No one really cares about you or your bullshit.”

That was my end point. I got through with work, set my things in my car and walked to the ledge.

I saw the back of the hotel, the marquee for the hotel and the rooftop of the casino. A slight wind blew my hair and I remember putting my hands out at as if I could catch it.

I don’t remember how long I stood up there, it could have been five minutes, ten, or two, but I stepped off the ledge and sat in my car and cried for a long time.

I knew I was broken at that point and I had no idea how to put my pieces back together.

I called my wife, the emotion clearly audible as she asked, “what’s the matter?”

I told her, “I need help. I think I’m going to look into that Transcendental Meditation(TM) I’ve been reading about.”

“Whatever you need to do, I’m here.” She said and I drove home, but I don’t remember the drive, I don’t remember the next week. I only remember calling the TM teacher in Las Vegas and scheduling to come in for my introduction.

A week later, I started my practice.

It’s been three years since I started TM and here’s a list of things that have happened that I know wouldn’t have without TM:

  1. I quit a good paying job to write full time.
  2. We moved our kids out an environment that wouldn’t help them grow.
  3. I started writing full time.

I never would’ve had the courage or mental strength to leave my job had I not learned TM. I was a weak person, most of the people around me would attest to that.

I didn’t know what I wanted and I hated not seeing my kids.

Today, I write full time and I’m working on a book that I’ll be submitting in June. I bartend a few times a week, I see my kids more often and I’m able to spend time with my wife.

I know without TM I wouldn’t be alive today.

I still get bouts of depression. I don’t think about suicide as often as I once did and I’m less angry than I was three years ago.

If you’re having trouble, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1–800–273–8255.

If you’re interested in learning more about Transcendental Meditation try TM.org.

Today, my wife and I are both practicing TM and we’re planning on getting our kids taught as well.

Have a great rest of your week.

I’ve been circling the pit lately.

I hear the voices from within its muddy walls and the world stops.

I get those panicked breaths and I wonder what’s brought it on.

Staring down from my cliff, waiting for the tendrils to pull me in I wait on the rim.

I wait for something worse to happen, I wait for a lost job, a tragedy to befall my loved ones where the tendrils pull me back.

I feel the pillow over my face suffocating that smothers the life I want and takes away the life I have.

I stand at the rim looking in, hoping for something to bring me back.

But as the tendrils reach I put words on the page, for that’s my only solace.

The words count at the end of the day and the fight back the monsters.

The words push me away from the rim, away from the tendrils as their claws rip at the muddy precipice of the pit.

Two years ago I had the closest thing to a mental breakdown.

At the time, my grandfather had passed away and I went to Utah for the service.

For most of the previous 15 years, or so one side of my family had abandoned me based on what my biological father had told them about me.

This left me and my wife alone to be ourselves and it is probably the reason I’m more of an extrovert than before those 15 years.

When I went to the service, my aunt who I hadn’t talked to in years offered a place for me to sleep and I took her up on it, though it was hard being around people who had treated me so badly for so long.

I went to the viewing, though there were a few moments I went outside because I saw all the people that I felt had abandoned me, including my sisters, and being in the same room with people who’d done that to me was the hardest thing I’d done.

I walked within five feet of my biological father, but neither of us looked at each other.

For the following month, I slept a lot, missed work and eventually got shingles from all the stress I was feeling as well as the depression.

My family and I went to my aunt’s though my wife was uncomfortable and so was I for the simple reason that my biological father had turned my wife and I into these villains, mostly my wife.

In the months that followed, my spiral swirled to the point in the middle of the following March that I stood on the ledge at the hotel I worked at in Las Vegas and stared at the ground.

I wanted it to be over. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, I didn’t want my wife and kids to see me suffer and most of all I thought the world would be better.

I stepped off the ledge that day, called my wife and told her I needed help, but didn’t tell her about the ledge until later.

A couple of weeks later, I started Transcendental Meditation.

TM helped me deal with things, it isn’t a cure-all, but I’m able to deal with life better since beginning TM.

Today, and mostly this time of the year, I have bouts of depression. I think about who I am and what I’ve done in the last two years, and I’m happy about getting my wife and kids out of Vegas.

I’m excited about my writing and I love myself, though that comes in and goes sometimes.

I’m mostly happy.

We all deal with depression and I’ve lost family to suicide.

Please if yo need help, ask someone, talk to someone and find help. I almost jumped and would have lost the last two years of my life.

Suicide prevention hotline

1-800-273-8255

pablo (17)

My anniversary for my first transcendental meditation session has come and gone and I realized, I haven’t done an update.

Here’s what’s happened in the past two years.

  • My wife started doing TM and it’s greatly improved her bipolar disorder.
  • I quit my job in Las Vegas to pursue my writing. This is something I’d never have had the courage to do otherwise.
  • I write full-time and though there have been challenges along the way, I’d never change anything I’ve done in the last two years.
  • I’ve had numerous people reach out to me on Facebook who had read my articles about TM from TM.org. This one thing has meant more to me than anything else.

I still have depression issues, but they are less than they’ve ever been.

One thing I’ve started doing in my daily routine is exercise. The combination of settling my mind and exercising my body has made a complete difference in my life.

I’m more focused in my life than I’ve ever been, I’m not saying things have been perfect, life isn’t perfect for anyone, I know that I’m a better human for doing my TM twice a day for 20 minutes each.

If you’d like more information about TM, follow the link in the article. If you’d like more information about me, connect with my on Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter or Anchor.

 

pablo (4)

Hello,

I know I’ve been away, but I have to tell you why.

It’s been nearly two years since I began my journey with Transcendental Meditation, and recently I started another journey.

While TM helped me with depression, I wasn’t doing other things to help.

I wasn’t exercising, I wasn’t spending time with my family the way I should and I was ignoring little things that led me to more bouts of depression.

TM wasn’t the cure for depression, it was merely a catalyst to get me healthy.Now, I’m working out every day, doing my TM every day, eating better, spending time with my wife and kids and I can honestly tell you, I haven’t had a depression issue since I’ve been incorporating exercise into my daily regimen.

I know there are some of you who will say, but you said TM helped you?

It saved me. I was at the worst part of my life and it was the life preserver.

Without beginning TM I can honestly say, I wouldn’t be alive today.

I love what I’m doing now, I love how it makes my body feel and I still love how my mind feels after the twenty minutes twice a day of TM.

I’ve recovered from depression, for now, it will creep its ugly head into my life again, mental illness is just that way, but I hope everything I’ve written on this page has helped someone, I’m absolutely certain it has. I’ve been contacted by numerous people who’ve read my words on this page or from the articles on TM.org.

Tomorrow, I’ll wake up and do the things I’ve been doing for the last few months and also the TM I’ve been doing for the last two years.

TM made my mind healthy, but the routines I’m doing, they’ve made my body healthy.

I hope you have a great day,

Brian

  

Tomorrow, I turn 40, while most people freak out, my wife is one of them, I’m proud I made it this far.

A few years ago, I was going through a bad depression. 

I had thought of suicide at the time and had stood on a ledge at my old job in Las Vegas.I can’t tell you why I didn’t jump, only that I felt there was more for me to do in life.
I have two kids whom I adore, a beautiful wife and everyone thought my life was perfect.
No one has a perfect life, not even the millionaires. We all deal with something we wish we didn’t have to.
A little while after I climbed off the ledge, I started meditating. 
It all started by working on my mental and psychological issues. 
Today, those issues pop up every so often, so I started another part of fixing myself.
I began working on my physical health. And to say that I feel better would be an understatement.
Today, I’m able to fit into clothes I haven’t worn in years; I have more energy to do things with my wife and kids, and I’m able to live a life that others indeed would envy.
I have time to write (my true creative love), have time to work the business I” ve been building, have time to read, and time to do the things my old job never afforded me.
How did I do those things?
I took control of my life through being an online fitness coach.
I talk about that, and people are like, yeah, bullshit, well…it’s the truth. 
Here’s how it happened:
My friend, she’d been coaching for a while, and knew it would be something that would interest me. 
She knew I wanted more time to write and spend with my family.
Today, I work my business for an hour a day and do the other things that matter to me.
Right now, there’s a program that I’ll be starting Monday. 
If you’ve ever wanted to go through a boot camp style workout, do it in your home with no one watching you screw up the moves. And no one to judge how you look. but if you want to coach, like I do and have more time to yourself or with family, all for less than a gym membership, comment at the end of this post.
Peace, 

Brian 

It was a warm September day, even for Las Vegas.

I’d taken the day off so I could take my wife to her fetal monitoring appointment.

I’d missed all of them to that point because of work and I refused to miss that one.

We were a little more than a month from our due date. Our daughter was scheduled to arrive October 27th, but things changed that day.

I’d dropped our son off at Kindergarten and was able to sit with my wife for a few hours before we had to be at the appointment.

I don’t remember what we talked about, only that she looked beautiful.

We left the house a early because we didn’t want to be late and we both commented on how warm it was.

Once they hooked her up to the machine there was a flurry of activity around us, which got us in a panic.

We’d already had a miscarriage and other complications prior to this pregnancy and were fearful of anything going wrong.

The doctor came in and told us, “Your baby’s heartbeat is low and there’s little fluid in there with her. We’re sending you to hospital. You’re having her today.”

It was 6 weeks from our due date and I immediately called my mom to make sure she could get our son from school.

We arrived at the hospital, the Vegas sun beating down, my wife sweating, my stressing and they wheeled her up to the maternity ward.

My mom was able to get our son, and they arrived a while later.

My wife was hooked up, given her epidural we were ready to roll, then our little girl’s heart rate began to drop.

We were sent in for an emergency C-Section, which scared the hell out of both of us.

They started her and told me not to film them doing the surgery, which if you’ve never seen a C-Section, it’s surgery.

They pulled our girl out, she screamed, but it was labored.

Walking across the delivery/operating room, they were poking and prodding her and took her out of the room quickly.

When we got back to my wife’s room, they told us the bad news.

Our little girl’s lungs weren’t fully developed and they’d be watching her closely.

That night was one of the hardest nights I’ve had as a parent.

I couldn’t sleep and our little girl was in the Neonatal Infant Care Unit or N.I.C.U., a place she’d be staying for the next month.

Over the following month we watched our little girl fight with the feroctiy of grizzly, which is why I call her my little bear.

We were finally able to take her home from the hospital on her due date.

She was and is a strong willed little girl.

Today she turns six and is every bit the strong little bear she was in the hospital.

Happy Birthday my little bear.