Feeling the pressure…

Featured

It comes at the oddest times and I’m not sure how to deal with it when it does.

The failure mindset.

Maybe because I’m not published that it comes harder.

I’ve submitted novels to 18 agents. 13 said no to one of them. Another said no to a different submission and one wasn’t accepting unsolicited manuscripts.

The others are out currently.

That’s 3 agents with one of my books.

I’m at the point where I could use a win. I guess we all get that way at some point. It’s happened to me a couple of times.

But right now, where things are in life at 43, a win would be good for my head and heart.

I’ll keep writing because I’m better at it than I am anything else but a win or even an agent to ask for a full would be great.

Anyway, have a great rest of your week. I’ll be over here with fingers crossed and hope in my heart.

Sharing stories and locking the writing door.

Featured

I’ve come to the realization that I work better when I shut the world, and sometimes, people off from me.

It’s not about depression or anything else, it’s about reaching a point where aloneness is conducive for the act of writing and creating.

I never noticed that shutting myself away had this effect.

In what I write–horror–finding a hiding spot in the corner of the room, stopping the world from seeing you, talking to you(except for those who are closest)is possibly the most liberating thing.

I have a small group, my wife and kids being it, and they let me write. I’m not restricted by waiting for someone to text or cal that they’re in town. Or whether they’ll see me if they are.

My family lets me do what I need and it’s reassuring that they have my back., especially my wife.

She’s the on I bounce stories off of. The one I talk to when I need to solve a story issue.

Sometimes it helps, sometimes not. But I can always do that.

There are others who I’ve confused in. Let read my stories but they’re not really interested.

They pat me on the head when I would send them things, but they don’t really want to read.

They have lives of their own but my sharing my writing with them meant something.

It meant I trust you with my heart.

When they toss it away, it hurts.

It’s why I only let my wife read my stories.

I will share things on Reddit or writing sites, but they’ve usually gone through a lot revisions

If I share my writing with you, take as I’m sharing a secret. Don’t dispose of it in your email trash.

Tell me you can’t read it or that you’re too busy for it. I’ll get the hint.

Today I’m writing what scares me. I write it because I have to learn more about myself.

Tomorrow I have queries to send off.

I’ll keep you posted and stay warm.

Write for yourself first.

Featured

In Stephen King’s book “On Writing”, he talks about his first reader.

For him it’s his wife Tabitha. I understand why and for him this works.

For the longest time I wrote with someone in mind. Someone I thought would like the book, understand it, and it would scare them.

To go along with my most recent posts, that’s changed.

I feel there is only one person I should write a story for. Myself.

I am the first reader of the story after all and while I may put things in it for certain people. I’ve become aware that some people won’t read what I write anyway so why would I write a story for them?

I put things in on the off chance they would but I’m no longer under delusion the will.

It comes to what terrifies me. What makes me think, “Damn, we skipped some levels.”

Those levels are the places I used to write from.

Living in fear of being judged of the things in my mind. The things I better not put in stories because someone will think there’s something wrong with me.

I no longer live in those levels, neither do my stories.

I have more to submit this week, as I said in other posts.

This week will be one with my wife and kids and it’s snowing as I put these words on the page.

Have a pleasant Thanksgiving and I may put another post up later in the week.

Writing, focus, breaks, and closing up shop.

Featured

In the past week I’ve realized I’m not working hard enough. I haven’t put enough effort into my writing, my editing, and that it’s time to do that.

I have 2 novels, a few short stories and other things that need to be done, and soon.

Somewhere I lost my focus. I’m not sure where it went but I have a plan to get it back.

It’s been involved in other things. It’s kept me from doing what I need to.

So here’s what’s going to happen.

I’m taking a break from the blog. It’s difficult decision since I’ve gained almost 200 blog followers since last March.

I appreciate every one of you. But it’s time for me to get shit done.

I will return in June 2020.

I hate to do this. I’ve found that I need to do what’s best for me and my family.

I’m also disabling my Instagram.

It’s a full stop on social media.

I realized that I’ve been caring too much about what others think about my work and that’s coming to a stop.

Critics don’t scare me anymore, not getting published does.

If I don’t see you…

Continuing, finding me, and the path to where I need to be.

Featured

I find writing more enjoyable when there are other things going on in my head. Let’s take yesterday as an example.

I bartended last night, had writing to finish or continue(not sure which it is day-to-day)and I discovered that I got better, more focused work.

This comes as I’m trying to find a story for compilation I’m submitting to.

I’ve written two and started a third. It doesn’t need to be ready to go until the end of January, but I’m trying to find a story that fits and the best way for me is to write a few until something clicks.

That click hasn’t happened, though I’ve written two short stories, very short. One is under 1,000 the other is just over. I’m trying to get one that’s about 5-6k then I can clean it up in editing.

I’ll keep going, keep on the path and find where I need to be in my writing and life. I’ve found a few things that are working and others that aren’t. It’s all trial and error. But I’ll get there.

Have a good weekend.

The point of no return.

There’s a moment when I’m writing and something sinister comes to my mind about the story.

I could do something really messed up to the characters and they have to deal with it. Or, I could not and it won’t be as much fun.

It’s in this part of the story that I realize I can write some twisted things if I just get past the perceived judgment of others

Most of my family wouldn’t read what I write anyway. They don’t like horror or don’t read books.

I used to wonder what someone would think about the story and I would hold back.

Now I write something and think, “damn, that was sick and twisted” and don’t think about what those people think or what they’d say.

If they read it fine, if it freaks them out, even better. But I won’t stand hand on hip waiting for their opinions of what I write as if it’s a reflection of who I am.

It took me a long time to break that thought process and I won’t go back.

I hope you’re all enjoying NaNoWriMo and getting words on the page.

I’m plotting something for a contest and I have words to write.

Finding the dark and harnessing it.

I’ve been listening to “Relentless” by Tim S. Grover for the last few days. This book is my go to when I’m having issues with life and writing. It’s my centering book.

The thing is, I shouldn’t need to be centered.

I thought a while about his dark side talk.

I think about it every time I listen and I’ve realized what mine is, but I’m not going to get into that.

This thing keeps me going, makes my mind straight and keeps life in perspective as well as keeping my goals centered.

When I listen to it Audible, what he says repairs where my head has been, what has been focusing on and kicks the bullshit to the curb.

It’s all mostly bullshit by the way.

The lack of focus and the way our mind distributes things causes hazards and it’s those hazards that divert our focus.

Come back to your focus. Come back to your goals and use that dark side.

Everyone has one.

We all use it to get through the asshole in line at the grocery store, the fights with family members and we use it to keep our heads straight.

Keep going.