This year is about change and doing new things. It’s about adventure and moving forward. On that note, I am testing the waters on Substack at https://brianbbaker.substack.com.
I’ll see how it goes but I’ve seen a lot of writers moving things over there. I’ve had this account since 2005 or so. If you like what I write here it’s going to be a lot of the same, but I’ll be doing book and movie reviews of the horror genre over there as well.
I’ll hope you’ll check it out.
Brian
There have been times in my writing life when I wanted to stop. I thought, fuck this, I’m done.
It’s happened a lot recently. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m tired of trying so hard and getting nowhere or if I think I’m trying hard but I’m really not.
I have two books out. One is a collection of horror stories, the other a novel. But to say they’ve done well is a lie. They’ve done poorly and I think it’s me. I think it’s because I’m in the horror community, albeit an X or Z-level player, but I’m there. People who follow me didn’t know how to react to Disunion By Force. That’s my fault. I own that.
I don’t understand my disappearance from regular conversations with other writers.
I’m deciding whether to take all of my stories off of their places and shelve them for a while. I’ve talked to my wife about this and she’s cool with it. I have a collection of Travel Horror stories I’ll be putting out this year. I’m working on creating my own LLC for publishing. That will happen later this year before I publish the collection.
I would like to take a year off from my regular day job and write. I also am spending a lot of time playing World of Warcraft. It gives me the mental break I need.
I am considering getting rid of this blog as well. This year is about change and new starts. I’m doing a lot of that in my personal life. I plan to do it with my writing life as well.
I don’t want to quit. I enjoy coming to the page almost every day. The ones I don’t enjoy make the others more difficult.
That’s it for now.
I’ve dealt with my stomach issues over the last few months, but that’s not what this post is about.
After I had my initial visit with my doctor, I asked to be put on anti-depressant/anxiety medication. If you’ve read this blog for a while you understand my reasons for that; now I’ve run into a problem.
I started taking the medicine in November and I haven’t written a word since. I don’t feel like writing, reading, or watching anything with my wife. A malaise settled in over my life. One that I’m not comfortable with. Writing and books are where I get the most enjoyment. They’ve always been my safe space. Not writing feels worse than depression.
I’m not cured of depression. That doesn’t happen. I understand that the medicine takes away the depression and the lows in causes. It’s also taking away my desire to work. I get to my desk every morning and stare at a blank screen. I may write something but I delete it later because I’m not interested in what I’ve put down.
I usually start exercising to help with my depression issues. I don’t want to do that either.
I’m going off the medication to see if that fixes this. I can’t live without writing. It’s causing me more mental issues than it’s solving.
I had wanted to publish this year. I don’t desire that either. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t posted here.
Anyway, I’ll let you know how it goes.
I’ve fought with my stomach, my mind, and my temper over the last week. I’m winning the battles, but the war continues.
I started writing a new story today. I don’t know where it came from, as I often never do, but it’s words, and I’m grateful for them. I’ve barely written since my time in the hospital and while I’m working to get better I’m also struggling to maintain my writing.
I took a hit to my mind, my body, and a bit of fear crept in. I’ve never spent time in the hospital. It was a new experience for me and I didn’t much care for it. I’ve always been relatively healthy and spending 48 hours in the hospital, mostly alone, did some damage. You can only watch so much bullshit TV without wanting to pluck your eyes from you school. I’m just glad they gave my plastic spoons for my meals.
Writing post-hospital is difficult. I’m on some new medication for depression and anxiety. It’s something I’ve needed to do for a while, but held off. I reached a point of needing that help while in the hospital. It wasn’t an epiphany, but a realization of sorts.
I’ve struggled with depression most of life and getting better is part of our journey as humans. I have to get better for me. That started with taking something for my anxiety and depression. I’m moving onto the next part, stay with me.
Writing horror is challenging for me. I grew up watching horror. I read a little bit growing up, but I mostly read Tom Clancy style thrillers. Which is why my most recent novel is a thriller in that vein.
Horror feels difficult to me. Maybe it’s because I watched more than I read growing up. I’ve worked to fix that as I grew older. I’m working on a few projects and I’ll put them up in the next couple of months.
I hope you’ll follow along as I make my way and get better.
Brian B Baker, Writer 