Feeling the pressure…

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It comes at the oddest times and I’m not sure how to deal with it when it does.

The failure mindset.

Maybe because I’m not published that it comes harder.

I’ve submitted novels to 18 agents. 13 said no to one of them. Another said no to a different submission and one wasn’t accepting unsolicited manuscripts.

The others are out currently.

That’s 3 agents with one of my books.

I’m at the point where I could use a win. I guess we all get that way at some point. It’s happened to me a couple of times.

But right now, where things are in life at 43, a win would be good for my head and heart.

I’ll keep writing because I’m better at it than I am anything else but a win or even an agent to ask for a full would be great.

Anyway, have a great rest of your week. I’ll be over here with fingers crossed and hope in my heart.

How do you measure two years?

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In the last two years I’ve submitted to at least 20 agents, written four novels and at least forty short stories.

Of those novels, one is out with agents currently.

I’m writing another and will complete the first draft by the end of the year.

These last couple of weeks I’ve thought about the last two years and what I’ve done.

Have I loved? Have I taken risks? Have I done things I wouldn’t normally do?

It’s a yes to all of that.

I know that tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I’ll be spending it with my wife and kids.

What I won’t be doing is trying to recover or make up for things I did prior to those two years.

Yes I made mistakes but as I said the other day, I have to move forward.

That forward thinking has led me to great places in my writing. Rewarding places in my life and I won’t let a day go by without working to get better at my craft.

I’ve had to eliminate things lately but with those things gone I have better focus.

Moving forward is not about forgetting, it’s about being who I am for me.

Enjoy your holiday and don’t let a day go by without being thankful for what you have, who cares about you, and trying to secure your goals.

Move forward son, move forward.

Rocks, tumbles, and friction.

There’s been a lot of stuff going on in my head lately.

I don’t know how to quantify it.

I’m worried about my writing, my wife, where my head has been and whether I should keep writing.

It all came to head when I broke the other day. I don’t know what caused it but my head felt fractured inside.

It came out of nowhere.

I’ve been trying to focus and I haven’t been able too.

I feel like I’m seeing through a fog and I can’t find my way.

When I sit down and try and work, nothing comes out. The little that does feels forced.

I’ve never had this feeling before and I’m not sure what it’s leading to.

The world is spinning though my mind isn’t on it.

I feel it getting slower until I’m not sure where I’ll get off.

I have to write because it keeps my mind safe and clear. Without the writing I don’t know how to function.

I’ll be okay but right now things feel hard.

One thing after another…

So, I intended to take a break from social media, the blog, and a few other things and work on the current project.

After much debate with myself over the project, snags(laptop battery issues, what feels like constant OS updates, numerous random glitches)I’m putting the story away for now.

It feels like something doesn’t want me to write this story.

I’ve written two version, almost three, and though I love the story and there’s some scary shit in it, I feel it’s time after too many starts and stops that it needs to be put away.

I hate having to do this with a story that I really enjoy writing, but sometimes there are signs a story won’t go further, I’ve seen numerous signs.

But I’m not just quitting. NaNoWriMo starts on Friday, so I’ll be brainstorming for the next day or so over writing something. If nothing comes, that’s fine too. But I need to get something done. I haven’t finished a long form story since May.

I’ve done a few shorts, and maybe I’ll tinker with them. I also have a contest that I need to write a story for. That one needs to be done by the end of January.

It sucks when a story doesn’t come together the way you want. Especially after putting months of outlines, weeks of writing, and frustration into it.

I’m not sure where I’ll be going, but I will keep working.

I hate not working. It’s one of the reasons we left Las Vegas and I feel that if I’m not writing I’m failing my family in some way.

My wife has told me that’s not true, but it feels that way.

Either way, the very cool project I’d been working on for the last few months is being shelved.

I learned a lot from writing parts of it and there is some great writing in it but sometimes that’s not enough and I’ll step away from it to work on something else.

Happy writing and have a Happy Halloween!

I found what I was looking for.

Over the last couple of months I’ve been fighting with myself about how I should write.

Should I use and outline? Should I just write?

After two months of barely getting any words, last week I changed to what I was doing before.

I wrote 8 books that way.

So that’s what I’ll be doing from now on.

I’ll also be publishing soon, at least that’s my intention. I may submit the story instead. It’s really good and I feel it’s my best to this point.

I hope you all have a great week. I’m bartending most of this week so I may miss a day on the blog.