Self Discovery, Las Vegas and New Adventures.

  

It’s only after we’ve discovered who we are that we’re able to understand the trials and triumphs that led us to our current position.

When I arrived in Las Vegas nearly 17 years ago, I had no money, I’d recently been kicked out of the house by my father and stepmother and I didn’t have a job.

My big sister and her family took me in, something I can never thank them enough for. If not for them I would have been living on the street, which is something I considered when my father kicked me out of the house.

Vegas, at that time, was booming and skeletons of future hotels lined the strip. 

Jobs were abundant, but only to those who had experience in a casino related field, which I didn’t.

It was before the corporate takeover of Las Vegas, when employees were treated well and they were looked at as people and not a number on a spreadsheet.

Each year I’ve been in Vegas has brought something new.

The first year I married my wife, the second we bought our house, but children, it took us five years until we were blessed with children, but that didn’t come easily either, much like finding work now.

Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, but nearly a year later our son was born.

His life has been filled with all the things he could want, and possibly we’ve been too liberal with buying things, but when our daughter arrived 6 years later we learned how hard parenting could be.

Born 6 weeks early and weighing 3lbs 10 oz, she lived in an incubator for the first month of her life, but unlike some preemies, she’s been healthy otherwise.

Around the time our daughter was born, our life was in shambles. The economy crashed, we lost the house we’d loved, but everything has a silver lining, or so I’m told.

The house we’ve lived in since our daughter’s birth is bigger, but with that there were other things we were unable to do.

Somewhere along the way of being a good father and husband I forget to take care of myself and stopped caring about who I was and worried more about what others thought of me. This became evident last year when I suffered a breakdown and nearly took my own life.

For the past year I’ve been working on me and because of that I’ve tried to be better as a dad and husband.

When we leave Las Vegas I know I’ve made mistakes in the last 17 years, but for the last 16 months I’ve been trying to make up for those.

My journey of discovering who I am has been ongoing  for longer than I can say, but for little over a year I’ve come to grips with where I’ve screwed up and where I’ve prospered.

I’m looking forward to discovering more about who I am and who I’ll never be again. 

I’ll miss parts of our life in Las Vegas, but it’s time to start a new journey, a new life and see where the next adventure goes. 

Brian

The Lie of Chasing Your Dreams

  

Everyone is a creative and everyone dreams. But most people get to a point in their lives where they’re told, either by society, family or themselves, that they have to give up their creative aspirations and get a real job.

Those of us who’ve had this happen, and it should be everyone, have been lied to.

We’ve been told that what we want out of life isn’t as important as what society wants from us.

This lie permeates culture, rots dreams and destroys confidence.

This destruction causes all of us to second guess who we believe ourselves to be and reminds us that society has its own motives.

We must work for the machine. We must strive to make our country better, regardless of th damage it causes to ourselves and who we are.

Never give in to this machine. Be who you are. Create a life for yourself, create and dream.

We need less cogs in the machine and more framers of creativity.

Migraine

It started behind my right ear, dug in deep to the inner cortex and moved towards my frontal lobe, stopping, pushing and holding until I released the pain in a torrent of liquid.

My hearing heightened as if I living in Hell’s Kitchen.

But it didn’t stop, I felt punished and devoid of my thought processes.

My brain, pulsed, ached and pounded within my skull. The force felt like it was splitting through the tissue covering my grey matter, but it didn’t desist, it kept coming, striking and throttling my head .

I lay motionless. My body worn and pushed beneath the surface of who I was.

Each throttling threw my head into my hands as I curled into a fetal position.

I’d regressed until I felt the suddenness of the chemical hit the blood stream.

My hands fell to my sides, my head resting softly against the pillow until my eyes closed and I blacked out.

Living up to your own expectations.

as a child growing up in Utah, my father was overbearing.

He was a big man, at least to me growing up.

When I was a teenager I was thin and constantly was called skinny by bullies and my father.

I always wanted to live up to his expectations so I drank protein drinks which killed my stomach, lifted weights all because I wanted my father to love me.
What I discovered afterward is that he was thin in school and maybe he didn’t want me to be that way.

Later, I joined the military only to be discharged soon after arriving at boot camp.

I felt like I let him down by not being able to finish boot.

In the last year I discovered all the times I was trying to make him love me, I wasn’t loving myself.

I gave up on myself as a child because I wanted my father to love me, but in the last year I discovered I should love myself over anyone else.

Now that I’ve put this in practice for a year I’m finding that my life is better caring about myself and not those around me.

I love my father though I don’t talk to him anymore, but he taught me that the love I have for myself is more important than the love anyone else will have for me.

I no longer worry about living up to his expectations, only my own.

Going Home, Writing and Another Step Closer

Life is about struggle, but with each day we find the passage through and we learn that we’re headed in the right or wrong direction, but that direction is ultimately our choice.

In the next couple months I’ll be making a big change to increase how much time I’m able to spend on writing.

My wife and I have decided to move away from the life we’ve made in Las Vegas and go home.

Both of us were raised in Utah and growing up there we learned to fish, camp and discover the outdoors.

My favorite times as an adult have been when I took my son fishing, camping in my aunt’s backyard with my wife and kids and showing my son the lake where I learned to fish.

I want to give my son the childhood I had, while he’s still young enough to enjoy it but old enough to appreciate it.

We’ve planned this out and, well maybe I’ve planned it out more than she has, but going home will be a great exercise in persistence, fortitude and realizing our strengths as a family.

My wife is nervous, I’m excited as are our kids, but with this move we’ve planned for me to work a minimum of days so I can focus on writing, but as with any plan there may be detours.

I know that life will change, but without change life everything is less fun and more predictable.

Being predictable doesn’t help us grow. Staying in one place doesn’t make us change.

Leaving the only place our kids have known as home will open their eyes to the wonders of the outdoors and the life of living in Utah, which is far better for kids than Las Vegas.

Be it choice or intervention, we’re changing places for the good of our kids, ourselves and it’s one step closer to my dream reality.