Two years ago I had the closest thing to a mental breakdown.
At the time, my grandfather had passed away and I went to Utah for the service.
For most of the previous 15 years, or so one side of my family had abandoned me based on what my biological father had told them about me.
This left me and my wife alone to be ourselves and it is probably the reason I’m more of an extrovert than before those 15 years.
When I went to the service, my aunt who I hadn’t talked to in years offered a place for me to sleep and I took her up on it, though it was hard being around people who had treated me so badly for so long.
I went to the viewing, though there were a few moments I went outside because I saw all the people that I felt had abandoned me, including my sisters, and being in the same room with people who’d done that to me was the hardest thing I’d done.
I walked within five feet of my biological father, but neither of us looked at each other.
For the following month, I slept a lot, missed work and eventually got shingles from all the stress I was feeling as well as the depression.
My family and I went to my aunt’s though my wife was uncomfortable and so was I for the simple reason that my biological father had turned my wife and I into these villains, mostly my wife.
In the months that followed, my spiral swirled to the point in the middle of the following March that I stood on the ledge at the hotel I worked at in Las Vegas and stared at the ground.
I wanted it to be over. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, I didn’t want my wife and kids to see me suffer and most of all I thought the world would be better.
I stepped off the ledge that day, called my wife and told her I needed help, but didn’t tell her about the ledge until later.
A couple of weeks later, I started Transcendental Meditation.
TM helped me deal with things, it isn’t a cure-all, but I’m able to deal with life better since beginning TM.
Today, and mostly this time of the year, I have bouts of depression. I think about who I am and what I’ve done in the last two years, and I’m happy about getting my wife and kids out of Vegas.
I’m excited about my writing and I love myself, though that comes in and goes sometimes.
I’m mostly happy.
We all deal with depression and I’ve lost family to suicide.
Please if yo need help, ask someone, talk to someone and find help. I almost jumped and would have lost the last two years of my life.
Suicide prevention hotline
Brian B Baker, Writer 