There are days when life strikes, and writing becomes secondary.
When these moments happen, I close my eyes and take care of it.
A few years ago, I wasn’t as bold. When confronted by adversity, I would hide away.
I wouldn’t discuss what was going on with me. I didn’t want the world to know I couldn’t handle life.
As a male, this is what we’re taught.
I was never told not to cry by my parents, but when something went wrong, I would have to “grow up.”
The majority of this came from my father.
He’d use words he thought were motivating when in fact they were emasculating. As a teenager, I had poor self-esteem because of the things he said.
I didn’t understand that a father behaving that way wasn’t normal. Until I had my own son and realized the harm words like, skinny, wimp, and many others were.
A few years ago, I was stuck. I hated who I was. I hated how I treated my wife, kids, and myself.
I woke up one day and realized the horrible person I was to my wife and decided to change.
I knew it would be difficult, but I had to do it.
I couldn’t turn into my father.
I didn’t want my kids to look at me the way I looked at my father.
I grew up in fear of him.
Now, nearly twenty years after we went our separate ways. I’m a better man and a better husband and father for not having him in our lives.
At the beginning of my choice to change, I had to think through every interaction with people.
I had to consciously acknowledge my failings.
Becoming aware of who you are, how you’ve reacted to situations and people, makes you hate yourself.
It also is an eye-opening experience that shatters all the notions of self.
You realize you’re not a wonderful person. You think about all the times you screwed up and blamed others.
The offender stares at you every morning when you look in the mirror. Even today, I see him.
I know that person is still there. It will always be there and I’ll always fight it.
Change is difficult.
Understanding who you are and what needs to change makes all the difference.
The sudden realization that you’re not the good person you show the rest of the world changes you.
Today, I’m a better person than I was a few years ago because I decided to change who I am.
Its been a difficult road, but every day I look in the mirror I feel more confident in who I’ve become.