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Writing Through Darkness

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“At the midpoint on the journey of life, I found myself in a dark forest, for the clear path was lost.” Canto I, Dante Alighieri

Last week I missed a post for the first time since I started this blog, it has given me something to write about, something that has been plaguing me for most of my adult life.

You’re not told there’s anything wrong with you. People wonder if you’re okay, they ask you questions like, “What’s wrong?” or “Are you okay?”

The truth is I haven’t been okay and there has been something wrong.

Any writer who’s read anything about Hemingway knows he suffered from severe depression and is possibly the reason he took his own life.

Depression and mental disorders run rampant in writers and all creatives, it’s one of the things which make us creative, but if you believe that bullshit, then I want to send you to the moon on a cannon courtesy of Jules Verne.

The truth is depression and mental issues give us something to write about, they make us who we are and along with things we may use to cope with our depression and mental issues–drugs, alcohol, video games, meditation–we have to find a way past the drugs and alcohol and into a place that is safe for us, our family and friends.

I’ve been in a very dark place for the last few months, and though I’ve been writing, it’s been very dark subject matter.

My depression started the end of November, at least that’s what I believe, though it could have begun when my grandfather passed away in September..

His presence when I was a kid and going fishing with him and my cousin are my favorite childhood memories.

Though I’ve reconciled with most of that side of my family. My dad’s reaction to my presence was not as heartwarming as I’d have liked considering the circumstances.

Depression of some sort has been a staple in my life, especially in adolescence. Writing and books were always may way through my depression, though recently my writing has become a subject of my depression– I’m a writer and I believe my writing sucks regardless of what everyone else tells me–these things have caused me to second guess what I write as well as if I should be writing at all.

Though I love writing and enjoy every moment of story creation, depression has been causing me such problems lately that I’ve contemplated quitting writing altogether.

I won’t let depression beat me and I won’t quit writing because it’s become who I am over the last few years and I won’t change who I am for anything or anyone.

The Writer’s best friend.

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Tomorrow is the anniversary date for when my wife and I started dating.  It’s been 16 years and I never thought I’d have someone support me as much as she has.

For writers and anyone creative, having support for your art is what we need most. Having a person who–no matter what–puts their faith in your creative abilities has been the deciding factor in pursuit of my writing goals.

When I’m stuck she offers encouragement. When I have editing issues she does a read through to help.

These people who stand by our sides, guiding us, helping us and enlightening us to story problems we’d never see without them.

They’re our shoulder to cry one when we get rejection slips our party buddy when we get an acceptance letter and they’re the first we’ll run a story by if we think it’s good.

They’re our parents, siblings, spouse, partner and children. They’re always there when we need them and they never gripe about you not being published, they’re just happy to see you happy following your dream.

When you look at this person remember, they may be giving up their own dreams to let you follow yours. This is true with me and I know a lot of writers whose spouse or partner have given up their dreams–even if for a little while–so you could chase yours.

Thank them regularly.

You may not know their dreams, or you just have an inkling of what their dreams are, but their dream is on the horizon and when you get the chance you should let them follow that dream.

Not because they let you follow yours, but because they stood by and watched you chase the rabbit down the hole with every book, short story or poem and they waited patiently for you to return from Neverland a new you and a new perspective on who you are.

Writing the story that makes you vulnerable.

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Sometimes your life ends. Not for any other reason than it does.

My life felt this way for a long time. I never understood myself the way I thought I did.
Ending is inevitable; but how do we want to go out.

I’d think about this when I was stuck on a particular piece of writing, forget about it then it would creep in, the wanting of “The One”.

I’d sit at my desk waiting for “That Story’ the one!

First, chasing the one has nothing to do with writing ability; it’s all will.

The will to write the hard story is one of the toughest things about being a writer. It’s like life laughing in your face, fate screaming your name from a well-walled, distant room.

That one story will resonate with anyone who reads it, or maybe a select few that will love it and love you for it.

The problem with this story, vulnerability.

As creatives, writers are already prone to confidence issues, we don’t need to have anyone or anything else telling us we’re doing something wrong.

The story may come from childhood, teenage years, early adulthood or anywhere else. The worse thing about this story is it opens things up we’ve kept hidden from the world.

Things we’d rather not have opened. Wounds we thought had been closed, but that story comes in, masquerading like a savior to our writing.

If only you could write it!

But you’re afraid to write it. You don’t want to seem vulnerable to others. You don’t want others to see you afraid of yourself and the person you are, were or could be.

The truth is, these people you are, were or could be, they need you to write that story.

They need that closure, they desire it more than anything. I could list the reasons, but there’s not enough space in a post.

Every writer has the story they’re afraid to write. They don’t want the judgement. The fear of being vulnerable keeps us from writing those stories.

The fear keeps us from proving to ourselves who we are, and it always stands up when we’re stuck with another story.

It sits there, the one that got away.

Writing the First Draft: Fast and Frenetic

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Our first draft is always furious and frenetic. It comes out like storm gathering on a plateau and when it’s ready, it pours out of us like a massive supercell destroying what we thought we were capable of and making us think twice about why we write, but in a good way.

We’re sometimes not prepared for the strength pouring from our fingers and it can frazzle our minds and make us drink more coffee or maybe something stronger.

The best part of writing is the first draft, the pace seems impossible to sustain, the breadth of the story amazes us and the characters and their lives remind us why we love to write.

Pacing of the story isn’t our worry in a first draft or spelling, grammar or whether we get the characters names correct, it’s all about the discovery.

Each story happens this way and we keep writing because we love how much our beautiful stories fascinate us.

From the opening sentence to The End, we’re mesmerized by the story.

Finding ourselves wrapped up in the writing, ignoring everything but discovering who these characters are and why they’ve been in our head is the best part of the first draft.

We never have a greater time than the frenetic courtship of the first draft.

Are you chasing the White Rabbit?

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I don’t like the idea that I’m not in control of my life. ~ Neo

In life we’re the controller of our destiny; regardless of your feelings on fate.

Each one of us decides to wake up, go to work or school and go through our day, oblivious to what goes on around us.

Last week I talked about the time we have left, the minutes ticking away our lives.

It’s what we’re doing with the minutes we have left that matter. The used minutes are like hanging up the phone, you just talked to the person, but there’s no longer the conversation, it’s just dead air.

Your used minutes are like the phone call, used minutes. They’re in the past, they don’t matter.

The minutes you have left are the future phone calls or text message you have yet to send.

The idea of fate tells us that what we’re doing is meant to be, but if you believe that why are there so many people not doing what they’re capable of?

The fear that fate is real stops people from doing other things. It stops the potential of so many artists because they think, “I’m living the life I should be.”

But what if you do as Neo does, jump down the rabbit hole and see where it goes?

Your motivation should be doing what you want,  not what you believe fate has thrown at you. Fate is the same thing as fear.

IF you believe you’re living the life you should be, then you’ve found your calling, but if there’s that slightest bit of hesitation that you could live better, do something meaningful, then you should tumble down the rabbit hole.

The hesitation in your thoughts marks a change in what you believe you should be doing. It is that little voice saying, “No, you’ve tried this, and it’s not working.”

That voice is one you should listen to; it’s your creative side trying to get out.

It’s the same voice my 9 year old hears when he makes something new with his Legos or my 4 year when she creates a new story for her toys.

It just takes some tapping into before we know it’s there.

Are you chasing the White Rabbit? Answer in the comments.