Things you shouldn’t ask a writer.

I posted this on Medium the other day and wanted to post it here as well.

There are things you can do to be supportive of a writer, there are also things you shouldn’t do. This is will be about the latter.
I’m often asked about what I’m writing, yeah, don’t do that.
“Hey, can I borrow your pen?” Please don’t ever do this.
“So, tell me about your book?” Unless you’re an agent publisher or otherwise related to those I stated, don’t, just don’t. If you’re another writer, piss off.
“What do you listen to while writing?” You want to steal my mojo, and or screw up my writing? Oh, you’re just curious what a writer listens to? I listen to the moans and wails of a thousand screaming angels when I write, sometimes they’re demons, but usually, they’re angels.
“How do you come up with your stories?” I prick a vein, usually a large vein, pull the blood out with my teeth and spit it into a fountain pen, but that’s just me.
“Where do you write? I’d love to come watch.” Right, like its the NHL or another sport? I take my writing time seriously, if you try to interrupt me, you’ll be one of those screaming angels I talked about.
“Where do you find the time?” I actually borrowed the time-turner Hermione used in Harry Potter. It helps me to accomplish my goals better.
“Are you a parent? How do you parent and write?” I’m Superman. I’m able to change a diaper, create a world, help with homework, plot a story and cook dinner.
“Are you published?” If you’re unpublished, this will piss you off to no end. If you’re published, the inevitable, “Where can I find your book?” It’s a book. You find it where you find most books, libraries, bookstores and Amazon.
Remember, these are rules to follow, or else be smote by the wrathful writer gods.
If you break these rules and a writer sends a flock of crows after you, that’s your fault, and you must pay for the crows after they’re done peeling the flesh from your bones.

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